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weekend

Definitely depressed today, Sunday. I am exhausted by work, and then I end up resting and doing the basic chores, and don’t make the further effort of doing anything special. But when you always want to lie down, it’s tough to push for things.

I’m not sure what’s going on with me. Yesterday I cooked dinner for a friend. It was quite satisfying to be the one giving, instead of having someone cook for me. It was hard being social though, even just with her. She seems to be going through a rough time herself, and hinted at being down, but she doesn’t like to discuss her problems. At least, not the big ones. I know she is pining for a boyfriend and feels sad about her life as a single woman.

I am relieved I am not pining for a boyfriend. Yes, I would like one, but mostly, I don’t think about this. There’s no one specific anyway. And, I had more than my fill of a partner who was destructive and whom I wished gone for a long long time before I finally was able to leave.

She asked me about my therapy, just casually, and asked if it would ever be over? I said who knows…..It is one of my anxieties, that this therapy process is so open ended. On the other hand, if I don’t go, I’ll still have the same issues, just without a therapist. I’ll still be me. This friend doesn’t ‘believe’ in therapy, though she doesn’t go so far as to tell me not to go. She just doesn’t understand it.

Anyway. I did get my back balcony planted. It’s kind of artistic, if I do say so myself.

I should have gone to visit my son and didn’t. I don’t think I’m much good to him depressed like this.

My session last week was good. It didn’t seem a chore to go – I was eager to see Ron. We had a low-key, companionable type session. We talked about how I might get more people in my life. I’d been trying with an ACA group and with church, but have given those up for now. They took a lot of my limited energy and I didn’t end up with much social contact out of it. Ron wondered if those situations, because they focus on the person, make me even more self-conscious, and if an activity based group would be better.

I liked how Ron was trying to help me think of what concretely I could do. I’m kind of assuming that once in social situations more, I would make pals. I seem to be doing OK at work – I enjoy the cameraderie there that comes from just sitting together at a table. I feel like I’m having companionship even if we’re not best friends.

Activities might work, assuming there’s nothing terribly wrong with how I speak to people or how I’m being perceived. I kind of think there isn’t, really. That if I had people around, I would make friends.

This was all OK. Towards the end of the session, I brought up a visit to my family the previous weekend that had not gone well as usual. I tried to explain to Ron what had been bad. It’s hard to explain about my family. I don’t want to get into it here – this is likely the cause of my depression. I get the strong feeling they blame me for my son’s condition and for him living with my parents, which I know is very hard on them.

My family is such a unit. They all stick together, dancing the family dance, and I don’t fit, don’t want to fit, and get judged.

Anyway, if they’re so great, how did I end up in parts? That happens only in severely dysfunctional situations. They are not that great. They were a terrible family for me.

I am so tired. That’s my main thought. Also sad. But tired predominates. It’s grown chilly and windy here, leaves starting to fall. I zip up my jacket all the way, pull down my hood and cower in.

I’ve still been going to therapy, one night a week, when it’s already dark. By that time, I am worn out. I’ve been coping all day, and I can’t just stop coping because suddenly it’s therapy time. It’s really difficult to unzip emotions when I’ve been holding them in for the work week.

Last session seemed like more of a lecture from Ron than me exploring my feelings. I guess sometimes it’s good to hear what he thinks about my situation. Just I don’t end up exploring my own feelings for that session.

Last time, the theme was my family. I’d explained how tired I was on the weekends, and sad, and mostly couldn’t function. He said holding in your feelings will make you tired. And that I need connection, but am surrounded by people who have profound difficulty connecting. Like my family. My mother, who is mostly silent, or if she talks, keeps things to the most superficial topics. My father, who will talk, but only about what he wants to talk about. Then I have some friends who tend not to be the warm and fuzzy type.

So what do you mean by connecting then?

Ron says connecting is when someone is able to listen, not just in order to jump in with their own stuff, but really listen and care, and respond to what we are saying.

Yeah, I don’t have a lot of people like that in my life. Well, none. Though I do have conversations with my ex where he does listen, and care. Just…..well, he doesn’t have huge tolerance for talking about difficulties – like many men, he feels his role is then to suggest solutions. But at least we have conversations where we are responding to each other.

Then Ron says some things about how emotions are meant to be social – they’re a signal for others about us or the environment. But in my family, emotions are not attended to, so they go underground. I guess the idea is for me to find people to connect better with. But of course, I don’t do that. I sit at home because I’m too exhausted to go out.

I’d say my relationship with my co-worker is somewhat connected. I try to respond to him, and sometimes, he responds to me in a caring way also. For instance, I said I wasn’t sure if I wanted to accept the contract extension, and he seemed worried that I wouldn’t, because then I’d have no income. Worried for me. Which I appreciated.

So maybe staying home and being sad isn’t what’s called for – should I be out and about while I’m sad? That’s not attractive to people. I guess if you have family, you can be sad and they can support you, hopefully, but if you’re by yourself, as I am, that isn’t an option.

The other point Ron had was I could demand more from my family. Say I am not in agreement. I don’t know how I’d do this though. They do everything by omission – they don’t inquire, if I say I’m having difficulties – they don’t want to know. If I insist on talking about a problem, they will likely listen politely, then change the subject. It’s just an absence. How do you fight an absence? It’s shadow boxing.

I tell Ron I don’t see them much anyway. He replies that I do see them, however. And I could stand up for myself. I just don’t see what that would look like.

A general theme of the therapy has been that I’m withholding my responses to people and situations, making me tired. So for instance, I’m not telling the boss how I feel. Well – you can’t. If you want to stay employed.

I did tell my co-worker on Friday I would have quit the job if he hadn’t been there. Which is the truth. Our chats provide a cushioning of all the stress. If I have a strange interaction with the boss, I can run it by him for his opinion, and it helps. Plus he tells me bits of his life, and I tell him bits of mine.

I leave therapy feeling a little dissociated, cut off from feelings. It’s not an unusual state. It’s good to get Ron’s views, because often, the session is chaotic with parts and big emotions. I think the main way therapy helps me though is when I can tell bits of my story that were hidden, and he accepts it. Which didn’t happen this time.

How do I know if his theories are what will help? I can’t tell if they’re true about me. I’ve known since my teen years that my family is not nurturing. Though now I can see more the specifics of what that means.

Today I feel angry with almost everyone. There are not many people in my life, but those that are, I am angry with. But, at least I can feel, which has not always been the case. I’m hoping the anger will pass if I allow it to be there for a time.

I am not angry with the weather though. I love spring – such long, long light days with cool weather, and everything in a state of promise. This is the day the pink magnolia trees bloom, and also cherry trees. I live near a large park which has a drift of cherry trees planted for this one week of pink glory. Went walking under them today.

I went to church. I spend a lot of my hour’s service trying to calm myself and just receive things. A lot of it scares me or parts of me, and I figure it’s my time to try calming and listening, not to overrule how I feel in order to fit in. So a lot of the response stuff, I didn’t pay much attention to and didn’t participate. And I sang maybe half the songs. It’s better for me to pay attention internally. Otherwise, it’s just one more thing where I have to try and pretend.

I went to coffee time. The tea was incredibly stewed and black. I can’t eat the biscuits due to being paleo. Which is fine. But no one talked to me. I just sat, watching. I’ve talked to a few people there previously, but no one would meet my eyes. Don’t know if I was projecting weirdness, or what.

So that made me kind of angry. We are supposed to welcome each other, welcome all.

Especially pissed with one of the men there. I’d talked to him before, we’d both been in a discussion evening, and he was perched right across from me. He talked to other people, but would not meet my eye, so I didn’t approach him. Something about him deeply irritates me anyway. For some reason, I’ve fixated on how angry I am that he didn’t even bother saying hi. Neither did anyone else – why fixate on him for God’s sake. It’s like I’m drawn to be angry with certain people more than others.

In therapy, a lot of the discussion was about my relationship with my mother. Ahem, some anger there. Mostly I felt devastated by talking about it, and was pretty much paralyzed yesterday. So I’d say today’s anger is a step up from that.

This afternoon I went for a walk with my ex husband. We are friends, in a way, and in a way it cheered me up. Well. He told me some things about my parents, what they’re doing with money in regards to my son, which made me furious. He defends them – says it goes two ways, I don’t talk to them. Well actually, I just talked to my mother last weekend. What they do is go around me and get to my son through my ex. Who always allows it to happen. My father is completely controlling, and my mother is in his complete thrall. And they try and control using their money. And it makes me furious.

My ex is also controlling, but in a different way. With him, it’s not so all-encompassing. Because he lets a lot go and is very disorganized, it’s easy to think he doesn’t control. But he does, as soon as he feels anxious.

I hate controlling. I hate to be controlled and I won’t be. It makes me feel small and outraged and helpless.

Angry angry angry.

I had asked a friend of mine to attend a charity event with me last night. The event was important to me and I had no one else to ask. When I first asked her weeks ago, she wasn’t keen, but blamed it on a health problem. Now that’s better, but then she had a repairman coming at that time. So she’d call if he came early. I knew she would not call and she did not. The issue being, this was not something she felt like doing. Which is her privilege. However, I rarely ask her to do anything with me, because she is not flexible as to what is done. All activities seem to have to be initiated by her, and I accommodate. She does not. So. I need her more than she needs me. I know she’s like that. It makes me angry, but I cannot lose another friend. I can’t seem to make new ones. So I just simmer. I’ll feel better soon.

Have you ever gone to an activity when you felt horrible? That was me, yesterday, at the quilting group. I was so down from talking about my mother in therapy I suppose. I had this scheduled, Saturday morning, so I dragged myself there. It was hard to be friendly. My paranoia kicked in, and I felt the women there didn’t like me. At home, it felt like a hopeless thing – going somewhere where no one likes me, when I feel awful.

And work – my contract is ending end of July. I really need to re-do a resume and get out there. My boss has stopped talking to me altogether. It’s as if he thinks I’ll disappear if he doesn’t notice me. It’s a stressful and depressing situation. I need to start looking for something else.

Well, other than all that, as in every activity of my life makes me angry in some way, other than that, hey, the weather is awesome. OK, therapy might be going well also. Though too intense. I have to be able to survive the pain.

I probably need a personality transplant. So people will like me. Or something.

At least the spiritual part of church was OK. I’m feeling rather grounded about that part of it. Removing people from the picture.

My weekend was mixed. Saturday was a very down day. I seem to have been triggered into a memory, and it was difficult. I found it hard to move around, so mostly stayed in bed. I read.

These states feel as if I’m in a bit of a dream. Half in the dream, half out. Just at the edges of my mind, I can see things happening, but they never come into focus, so I don’t find out what’s going on. So I just feel grey and hopeless. Perhaps this is what a severe depression is like. Just with depression, it lasts a lot longer. For me, I kind of worked through it and by Sunday I already felt quite a bit better.

I’d say I do not suffer from depression. For me it’s more like these spells, where I feel body memories, and bits of things. It doesn’t stick around though.

Saturday evening a friend from my group called, and we chatted for about an hour. I didn’t go into how I was feeling, beyond mentioning I was having a down day. It was lovely to have company on the phone.

Today was better though not great. I got groceries. I met a friend for lunch. I feel like I’m not good company when I’m trying to get over a day of memories. We had an OK time though.

Therapy. Therapy went by fits and starts. It was so much less intense than before our break. I just mentioned some things from my daily life. No parts or pieces of the past coming up. I did let the kid speak a bit, and she chatted, and that was fine. Everyone was tentative. Very glad Ron was back. Skating around the edges of things.

Ron looked a bit tired, though he said he didn’t feel tired.

I can’t remember our entire conversation. I mention I am reading about Non-violent Communication.

E. Have you ever thought of teaching communication skills in group?

R. No.

E. Just I’ve been reading about non-violent communication.

R. How does it go?

I give an example of if my son left his laundry on the floor, what I’m supposed to say according to this technique.

I remember Observe, Feel, Identify your need, Request.

E. I see your dirty socks on the floor. It makes me feel frustrated. I need a clean and organized house. Would you be willing to pick up socks?

Ron doesn’t say anything.

E. Do you think those kinds of skills are good?

R. They can be useful sometimes. They’re a tool. They can be used well or misused. They can by used to avoid dealing with things sometimes.

E. How do you deal with things?

R. Um. That’s a good question. One part of it is by being very honest.

I think he may have said a bit more. I know he definitely doesn’t like the idea of doing communication skills in his groups. I guess he thinks people would avoid their issues and paper things over using them.

I let this drop.

E. So I have a new boss.

R. Yes?

E. He seems OK. Just I have this tendency to argue with him. I have to watch that. It’s like this energy, I want to contradict him and show I know better.

R. Is it like when we have arguments here?

E. I would never allow myself to argue with a boss at work the way I do with you. No. Or with a co-worker either. That wouldn’t work at all. I’m just hoping if I keep talking about it here I’ll keep it under control.

I don’t think this goes any further either. I hadn’t thought about how that tendency to argue with men played out in therapy also…so that was a good connection.

I talk about my visit to my family a few weeks ago, and explain about being left out by my siblings. I don’t think Ron says anything about that. I know I’m not moving forward with dealing with my family. I think I’m supposed to be more honest with them in order to feel better. However I don’t ask, and Ron doesn’t say anything.

At one point, I mention it feels difficult to talk.

E. It feels hard to speak. I kind of feel….like I’m by myself here.

R. What do I do that makes you feel like that?

E. Nothing. It’s nothing you’re doing. I just feel like that.

I think Ron tries to find out more about this, but I don’t have anything else to say about it.

And I completely forget about my fight with my ex and my son. Sigh. This is where I could really use therapy type input. It flies entirely out of my mind.

Then the kid chats about a children’s story we’re reading, and about a DVD she wants to watch, but we’re watching a grown up one instead.

E. It’s stupid It’s about grown-ups….they’re in an office….it’s stupid. We have this other one it’s for kids but we’re not watching it.

R. Do you hate grown-ups?

E. Nooo….I don’t hate grown-ups. Grown-ups are OK. Just…..sometimes they’re boring? I like things for kids.

So I switch back out. That’s about it. We say goodbye calmly, and I go home and work for a while.

Then Saturday, bang, I wake up in this difficult state. There doesn’t seem to be a reason for it.

whiteLabour Day weekend. Lonely, loveless and despairing….

No, not really. My efforts at socializing were not without problems this weekend, but I did have company.

I went out to see Blue Jasmine Friday with a friend, and we had a snack after. This friendship is a little rocky though. I find I have changed a lot through therapy, and I see people differently now. This friend is a very bright woman. She believes in doing things, and that we get our value from what we do. Which is OK for her. Though I don’t do that much besides survive, so we don’t have that in common.

And emotions are not welcome. OK. That’s what I was familiar with from my FOO, so I used to find this normal. Now, not so much. This is not her fault in the least – it’s I who have changed.

And a final problem, every time we meet she tells me how much she hates Ron. This time, I didn’t even bring up the subject of therapy or group. And she tells me over and over how ridiculous I am for going to group therapy, when it upsets me so much. I’ve tried to explain the concept of it many times to her, but it never takes. She feels that negative feelings should be suppressed, not shown to others.

That is a point of view, and I certainly did have issues with group as well. Just I’m fed up with hearing the same criticism from her about my choices pretty well every time I see her. I never asked her to pick up the pieces when I was upset with group – it doesn’t impact her.

OK, end of rant. We didn’t have the funnest time, but it was OK. The movie is great. Woody Allen has been terrible the last few years, IMO, and now he’s back.

Also less than a huge success was yesterday. I had my son over for dinner. I’m not a confident cook, so I don’t often have people to dinner. Now you’d think my son would be an exception, as he ate my food every day when he was growing up. And he is, but I still feel a little on the spot preparing a meal for him. I went to some trouble, going to buy food, looking up recipes, getting it all together.

Then his father called me in the afternoon, and we had a fight. He can upset me a lot. I think I time travel back to when we were together. Under stress, he becomes very domineering. He is sure he knows what is right and what everyone else should do. The fight concerned my son, who is not getting work and needs to. OK. I don’t think he needs to be pushed. Ex pushed him all through his childhood and my son pushed back and under achieved with a vengeance.

Somehow this got turned around into I don’t think he should be working. Which is far from my opinion.

I told ex I was through discussing this and essentially hung up on him. I don’t need him yelling at me and accusing me of things. I need that like I need  a hole in the head.

I was very upset. Anyhow.

My son came over, long after dinner was ready. We clashed almost right away. Turned out, he didn’t have the idea he should be paying rent while living with his dad. This was all news to him, that this was expected. Not market rent, but something.

If I hadn’t already been off balance from the phone call, I would have handled it better.

Anyhow. It wasn’t completely terrible. Though at dinner, my son wouldn’t talk to me. So that was sad. My day had been arranged around getting this dinner shopped for and cooked, so it was disappointing for me.

We talked about it a bit after. I said I was disappointed, he said I was condescending to him. At least there wasn’t a complete retreat into coldness that happens in my family. We talked about the problem.

I didn’t drive him home, I let him take the subway. He is in his twenties for goodness sake, he can do a few things for himself.

Children are difficult.

I plan on having him over again next week. If he’ll come. We were starting to warm up to each other again before last night, and I hope we can get that back.

This morning I went off to church. There is a nice little church just the next block over. I want to develop my spirituality, but can’t decide between Buddhism, Christianity, or Unitarianism. Sigh.

I can’t say I believe, but I’m willing to. I like the bits of singing, and the sermons there are interesting. Today a little snippet about Syria. I’d been trying to think about Syria. The horror of chemical weapons. Yet, the other horror of warplanes and bombing. The pastor’s view is violence is never a solution.

Would it be a deterrent if the US were to bomb Syria in protest of chemical weapons?

I can’t decide. If the alternatives are to drop US bombs, or to do nothing, which to choose? Is there another option?

I feel like Winnie the Pooh contemplating this – like a woman of very little brain. I don’t get very far, and I go and eat ice cream.

After the service I go for refreshments and the intern minister comes right over to talk to me. She’s a little too enthusiastic about our responsibility to love our neighbour, and I get uncomfortable. Am I being preached at? But she’s also interesting. I raise some questions about the service, and she has interesting things to say.

A huge sadness hits me at church. I think it was one of the hymns. Singing, even softly, seemed to put me into my emotions. Suddenly I feel like I want to cry. So at coffee time, it’s awkward because I feel like I want to cry. I try and ignore the feeling so I can talk, but I know this seeps through. I fear they are wondering what’s wrong with me.

Anyhow. It’s basically OK. Just I don’t want to be saved, and I don’t believe Jesus is the answer to my depression.

Basically I like the church, there’s a good range of people there, and I think I’ll go back. I need to keep going out to things.

Now I’m staying home. I had some plans to go shopping, but I couldn’t. I’m tired, I need to chill. And vacuum, if that could be arranged.

I’m still on a kick to keep moving despite sadness / depression. So I’ve had a better weekend than usual, but on the other hand, now I’m dissociated and can’t sleep. I’m pretty good at pushing feelings back down, but then I end up with symptoms. Sigh. I know I’m supposed to keep feeling and move around, but that’s pretty hard for me to do.

Dinner on Saturday turned out really good – I surprised myself. I didn’t want to cook, and complained internally for ages before I could get myself to start. But the results were good. And cooking was not so bad either once I started. Following recipes improves the result. Not news to you I’m sure, but it’s interesting to me.

Kale with nuts and dates – yum. Then squash baked with maple syrup and butter. I guess I’m liking the sweet. Then baked chicken. The chicken was ordinary – and the one part of dinner I did not use a recipe for. Go figure.

Today I went out to an outdoor concert. I’d signed up to go with a group. It was so very tempting to stay home. I felt lousy and depressed. I decided I was going, and if I felt down, it was OK. And I really enjoyed the concert. World music, a Persian / African blend, it was very interesting.

Now I can’t sleep. I feel like I’ve stirred things up in therapy, then put them all back behind a wall so I could do stuff, and now I feel two-dimensional and I feel like there’s a wall. At least I’m not depressed.

To get back to my session. We finished talking about the family barbecue.

E. We finally got there. At first, I thought I’d have to leave right away again, because I thought no one was going to talk to me. But I took a pill and calmed down and sat. And people came by to talk to me. It was interesting to find out how my cousins were doing, and to talk to their kids.

E. Anyway, by the time I got home again, I was so tense, I couldn’t sleep. And then I had another outing the next day, which was good, but I didn’t get to relax from the barbecue. And then work right the next morning. I was feeling depressed all last week, and I think it’s because I didn’t have a chance to recover from the barbecue. It takes me forever to recover from things.

R. Maybe because you don’t really know what you’re trying to do, that’s why it’s taking so long.

E. Yeah, maybe. I have this problem, that happened last week too. This happens over and over again, just the same way. I come home from work say. Or there’s some other stress. I feel completely exhausted, I lay down just for a minute, and I fall asleep. Then I wake up, and I’m deeply depressed. It takes me hours to get back to being able to function at all. So I spend so much time recovering from things, I don’t do much in my life.

R. Would you be able to do things and still feel bad?

E. I think the pain I feel is too severe for that.

R. Say you’d woken up, and I came over, and I said to you, come on Ellen, let’s cook dinner. What would happen?

E. Well….I might dissociate in order to cope.

R. But I wouldn’t want you to dissociate.

E. In that after nap state, I would maybe drop things, burn things, probably start some kind of fight with you. Not on purpose. Just that’s what happens.

R. Could you talk about how you’re feeling and still cook? You might tell me you feel sad as you’re melting butter in the pan, or that I’m making you angry by getting in your way….

I think about this.

E. I suppose I could try that. I still think it’s too hard after those naps.

We leave the subject here. But I take this on board. I really do want my life to function better, to be able to do normal things, and not be sidelined all the time because of my strange issues.

I don’t have a friend who would help me through it like that, which is why I stay away from people when I’m struggling. It would be nice though.

grassesWhoa. I’m not depressed. At least no more than is standard for me. I’ve done all kinds of things today. This morning I went out and read the paper at an outdoor cafe, while the local street musician sang old Bob Dylan tunes. This afternoon I went for a walk in the local park, and lay under some trees for a long time, reading. It is great not to be processing trauma on a weekend, to be able to do things.

Music is making sense to me. I’m listening to CDs I got from the library, and they’re nice. When I’m down, music is irritating – meaningless noise.

The ‘trauma’ of the group and session is fading quite a bit. I still feel it, a pain in my gut, but it’s no longer overwhelming.

I’ve decided I want to go to the last group session. I don’t feel any need to say goodbye, actually, but I don’t want to let PTSD win. I run because of fear. I don’t wish to keep running. My plan is to go, and simply concentrate on staying, that’s all. I am very scared at the start of every group, until I have talked for a while, but this time I don’t plan on talking. I’m going to sit through the fear, and I am going to feel proud of myself that I did it.

Once I decided this, I felt better about things. I am not a runner. Or if I am, I try again.

Because the group is extremely inhibited, I doubt very much anyone will engage me if I stay quiet. A and E were both very clear that they mainly needed for me to stop talking. That’s not why I’ll stay quiet though. I’ll stay quiet because I am trying to stay, and not talk out of anxiety. I know this may be hard to understand, but my reality is a PTSD space where fear rules. I do a lot of things out of fear, including talking in group. I know it’s the opposite for most people. But for me, this is how it is. So to stay, when I’m frightened, is good practice.

That’s one reason I sat at the outdoor cafe this morning, and why that gave me such a boost. I was anxious sitting there on the sidewalk. Then I gave the busker some money, and sat right by where he was singing. For some reason, I then felt very awkward sitting there. But I stayed for quite a long time. I thought he might be staring at me, and was afraid to look at him. Stupid. But the main thing was I stayed. And I enjoyed the music and the sun and the paper.

I remember now one thing that tipped the balance for me and made me run from group. It was the look of contempt on A’s face as he talked about how he wished I wouldn’t talk. I just wasn’t expecting contempt. This was someone I used to care about after all. E never pretended to like me, so I don’t feel as hurt by her.

The other thing was, the ‘attacks’ just came out of the blue. I didn’t engage negatively with anyone on my own steam – just built up bad feelings I guess. And I’d thought A and I had made headway the session before in accepting each other. I thought wrong, at least on his part.

Then, I don’t see why Ron seems to lose all his therapy abilities at once. He started lecturing me about how therapy works, in that creepy soft voice, and telling me what I should be doing. He wasn’t able to offer any support at all. It was too much for me, taken altogether, and I ran.

It’s distressing me again now I’m writing it out. However. This whole debacle hasn’t increased my PTSD. I am not depressed or dissociated. I see how I need to outlast my fear more, how it is imprisoning me.

Now I’m writing this, I’m no longer sure about going back. I would also still need to clear it with Ron. Ron assumed I wasn’t going back – he said I drummed myself out of the group. Not sure what that even means. He may not want me to go back, so I’ll see.

My worry is with outlasting the fear, if it is severe, I’ll end up out of my body and dissociated. That’s happened before where it’s taken me days to get back. I think since this is the last session, it’s a risk I’m willing to take.

My main accomplishment last session with Ron, was that I stayed put and didn’t leave. The urge to leave was there the whole session. I told him I was making a huge effort to stay. I found we were completely disconnected, but no matter how hurtful he was being, or how obtuse, I stayed and stayed. I feel proud I did that, and that is why I feel I want to go back to the last group.

Today I’m grateful for the busker and his music.