I’m still attending therapy. Still working.
Work is OK. This time I have no conflict with a boss whatsoever. This boss is fairly nice. I want to listen to her and understand from her point of view. That’s new. But I’ve realized that I don’t know this organization or what her life there is like. I am trying to listen more.
Mostly though I am working from home. It’s kind of lonely. But, in one way less stressful, as if I don’t sleep well, or am not doing well for any other reason, I don’t have the stress of getting myself together early in the morning, flinging myself onto the subway and coping with an office all day. So there is leeway to feel down while still earning a daily rate. Which maybe sounds bad, but really, a lot of office work is spinning in circles anyway. I’m probably average on productivity.
Therapy continues to be very hard to recover from. I’m actually not sure why. Last session, we did not get into trauma or any parts work. I discussed the family Easter dinner, that actually didn’t go badly. A few glitches of course. Maybe even mentioning my family is majorly upsetting. I did not cry or feel any deep crazy emotions in the session. It was adult. We also discussed the difficult reaction I’d had to the previous therapy session where I’d gotten stuck in a child part.
Sometimes strange things catapult me into trauma reactions. One of them happened the week before. I’m following a new health diet and had ordered a blender online. Picked it up on foot from the post office. That blender is huge – you can’t tell from the online picture. So I had to carry this huge and heavy box about a mile back to my house. I rested a few times, and made it in the end.
That night I couldn’t sleep at all. I felt completely blank – I couldn’t feel or think about anything. It’s one of the states that happens to me after physical exercise sometimes. So very aggravating. Ron suggested when that happens again, I could try using my mind to plan something, like a trip somewhere. A mental project. He thinks that might help get my mind online again in this situation.
I like the idea. I think it might help and i’m going to try it next time the blankness happens.
Meanwhile, I tell Ron I’ve decided to avoid things for now. I’m trying not to get triggered, because I want to have a life. So I’m avoiding exercise beyond my daily half hour walk. I try to avoid my family. Because these trauma reactions are consuming so much of my life. The Easter weekend I was mostly unable to function for instance, though I did get out to Easter family dinner.
Because I want to have a life. Not hole up in my apartment while I wait for whatever trauma has been triggered to wear off.
However, unexpectedly my session last Friday once again put me into a place where I was so very sad, I couldn’t do any of the things I’d planned on the weekend. So very frustrating. I can’t say it’s Ron’s fault either – he’s not pushing me to talk about anything in particular. And even though I avoided talking about the past, I ended up in this overwhelmingly sad place.
I’m thinking I’ll cancel for this week and see if I can have a weekend of some kind. I didn’t go to anything I’d planned, so spoke to no one. Now I’m back to working from home where i also don’t interact with anyone. I feel I can’t stand the loneliness of this.
I know I can’t avoid things forever. But wow. I am having no life at all if I keep going to therapy like this. And I’m not entirely sure the therapy is helping anyway. I respect Ron, he’s good to talk to, he doesn’t insist on his way. But I can’t seem to make it work. I don’t know why I get so sad I can’t function after therapy. Ron doesn’t know either. So maybe a little vacation from therapy will help.