Such a difficult day. Nothing’s happened, but my mood plummeted. Finally at five I decided to go for a walk and that helped a bit. The sky was purply with some interesting clouds. I just feel so freekin lonely I guess. I suppose that’s it, but i don’t really know. The wind is making this eerie whistling sound. I feel hollow and sometimes on the verge of tears but I don’t cry. If there was someone, I likely couldn’t explain what’s wrong. I mean, lots of things are missing in my life, but I’m not usually this down. Maybe it was bad dreams that I can’t really remember.
I went to Unitarian church this morning. I’ve started taking notes of the sermons. Seems maybe odd, but I can’t remember very well what was said if I don’t. Though today’s maybe I would have remembered as it was not that complex. The congregation is trying to find a new home so this was the topic – about being true to the past and yet moving into the future and changing as needed.
I stay after for coffee time. I have been feeling like crap already all morning, but I’m there to try to connect so I go. I do chat for quite a while to a nice woman. It’s small talk I guess. I’m trying to communicate like a grown up and so don’t mention any heavy topics. I do want to have meaningful conversations, but isn’t it best to keep things very light when you just meet someone? On the other hand, then the conversation is not very exciting. We talked about skiing, snowshoeing, the congregation’s move, that the minister is a cool guy, that she’s thinking of buying a canoe, how long we’ve been coming to the service, where we live, and right at the end that she has a grown-up son as do I. Then I excused myself and left. I was feeling more and more stressed and just wanting to leave.
I had that feeling of being fake in the conversation that I sometimes have in therapy also. But really, I wasn’t fake. I just wasn’t speaking about my deeper concerns. I was trying to keep the conversation going and hoping she liked me. I have this fear that I will be rejected by everyone so it always seems I have to work hard to prevent that from happening.
So I didn’t find out that much about her. Neither of us asked what the other did for work. She had been going to the church a lot longer than I had. I wondered after if she actually wanted to talk to me or was just being nice to a stranger. Who knows.
Spent some time on an online dating site. Not something to cheer anyone up. Men who contact me are ten or more years older than I am….Been there, done that, don’t want to do it again. I want someone my own age. Then there was the catholic gentleman – we messaged back and forth for two weeks, then it emerged he wants someone ‘god-fearing’ for marriage. I message that I’m not religious and I never hear from him again. He was my age and I like how he looked…Better to find out right up front that we’re not compatible, but this did not lift my mood.
BTW unitarians are spiritual but non-creedal. There is not much mention of God and there is no sacred text. I’m sure a practicing Catholic would not be impressed.
Ron was sick last week so no therapy. I still want to write about my sessions but I’m too depressed at the moment.