Aack. Loneliness. One of my few friends has now found other friends she prefers, so I feel cast aside. We aren’t that close, but she is someone to do a few things with, but she no longer has much time for me.
I also fear I alienated another friend, who lives in another province. We just visited by phone. I know I touched a sore spot with her, and so she has withdrawn. My friends are withdrawers – if something goes wrong, they say nothing, but distance. I find that difficult. I know I picked them because their style felt familiar and safe to me, but now I no longer like that.
The friend who I alienated, I said something about her ‘diagnosis’. She lives on disability on the basis of this. It’s a tough diagnosis – schizophrenia. This came about because of a breakdown she had many years ago, where she landed in hospital. We have similar issues of abuse in our backgrounds. I do feel that her issues are similar to mine – that’s why we’ve been pretty close friends – we understand how it is. My opinion is that she was misdiagnosed – I think dissociation and PTSD can explain what she’s going through well enough. Though of course I wasn’t there.
This friend is not at all critical or independent minded. She barely knows the internet exists, for instance, and so does no research on her own. She believes what those in authority, doctors, tell her. This would be OK, except she is taking a heavy duty anti-psychotic. I think it’s bad for her health. She has a bunch of health problems that some research has linked to side effects of these medications. Anyhow – none of my business, right? It’s been my opinion for a long time, but I kept it to myself.
However, one day she called and found me in a bad space. I had been struggling mightily with my work situation and was really down. She launched into maybe twenty minutes of talking about her own issues, which admittedly, were severe. But I knew, after about ten minutes, that I just couldn’t do it, I couldn’t listen to her any more without talking. My friend was too overwhelmed maybe to ask me how I was doing, she just wanted to talk.
And so at some point there, we were going back and forth, and my reservations about her meds/diagnosis popped out. I didn’t insist I was right or anything. I didn’t dwell. But she hasn’t called me since, maybe, two months, which is completely unusual. I know her, and so I know that what I said offended her, and so she withdrew. Hopefully she’ll get over it if I give her space.
So I feel lonely. Ron is away. I had sent him two distraught emails earlier in the week, as my work situation again deteriorated and I felt completely frantic. It does my head in, there, and I can’t work out how much is my part and how much is the dysfunctional workplace’s and boss’ part. I got so depressed I had trouble washing my dishes, and they were piling up. This is one of the basics I need to be able to do in order to keep working, and when I can’t do it, that really scares me. I mean, not that I was doing other things and couldn’t get to the dishes. I just had stopped doing anything much at all.
Writing to him helped. I knew he was out of internet range, but it helped anyway. Like the kid part of me is so relieved that we’re telling a ‘grown-up’. Kind of crazy. I decided while writing that I needed to get mad, and that mad energy helped me carry on.