On the mental health front, I’ve been fighting. I realized, early this week, that I’m still internally beating you child parts up. I don’t mean to do it. In fact, it doesn’t really feel like me doing the beating up. But whoever it is, B seems mostly petrified that she’s done things wrong and is bad.
When you have dissociation issues, these kinds of things are not so easy to spot. I deeply believe in being kind to all parts of myself, and have believed this for years. And yet…I so often feel overwhelmingly sad or anxious and don’t know why. And I think one reason why is that these are child feelings, which I’m not taking care of, and causing to some extent.
I started operating more like a kind kindergarten internally. As an experiment, for this week. In the morning, I picture myself holding hands with B on the way to work, and telling her reassuring things. Things like we’re doing a good job, and also that I, the adult, will take care of work stuff, that I’m good at it, and that she can relax.
At work, when I have a fraught interaction with my boss, I’ll reassure B that all is well – bosses can be weird sometimes, but there’s nothing wrong with her.
I really felt an inner lightening when I started doing this. I think it’s helping, though a few days isn’t long enough to tell if this is going to really help going forward.
I mentioned in therapy that I was doing this hand-holding visualization type exercise going to work, and Ron thought it was a good thing to do. So this week, I expanded it.
It is really surprising to me that I could be having internal parts getting beaten up without my realizing it was happening. That just seems so strange. And yet, I think this is true. And to guard against that, I need to take so much extra care to show parts love and care. It’s hard, when that was not my experience as a child. But I can provide this.
The world is becoming a lot less scary for me. I want a safe world, and the thing is, it is largely a safe world, it’s just that I have not been able to let that in. The world is safe, and no one is attacking me for the most part, and I need to keep letting young child parts know that this is so. The world is peaceful. The bad things are not necessarily my fault – they’re usually not my fault at all. If something is my fault, I can take steps to try and make it better.