I’d been having a rough week. Every day after work, I felt so out of it, I had to lie down, so got nothing done all week. I’m often tired after work, but I was still getting out to return library books or go to the gym. Last week, no, I just couldn’t.
I tell Ron about this. It is a Thursday after work, and so I feel those feelings right there – that white fatigue, that need to lie down. I speculate as to what’s changed. I wonder if it’s because I stopped taking medication in order to sleep, so I’m simply more tired. Without medication, my sleep is interrupted a lot, so I don’t seem to sleep at all deeply the second part of the night.
At home, I realize what the change likely is. It’s that I’ve been doing sit-ups and pushups before work. Just a few. But as exercise triggers me, I’m pretty sure I push those feelings right down at the time so I can make it into work, and then by end of day, I’m completely shut down, so have no energy (since I’ve shut all my energy down).
It’s odd that I can’t make these connections in my session. I’ve noticed that a lot – it’s as if a bunch of fairly obvious things leave my mind entirely while I’m in Ron’s office.
I start the session by complaining about this dissociated feeling, how I had trouble writing out his cheque because first I couldn’t remember what year it was (of course not remembering I could simply look at my phone) and then I couldn’t remember his name…fun times. Of course, after a few minutes I did get it together and wrote the cheque, but I was running late, and it was frustrating.
I then talk about stuff I thought Ron missed last session. I mean to go into the anger at work scenario I wrote about here, but instead I talk about when I got angry with my mother. I’d felt Ron hadn’t really understood how difficult my mother is. At my session the week before, I had forgotten why I’d become angry – the whole story of trying to tell her about my dental surgery, then my brother arriving, being dropped. I had forgotten this whole reason for the anger, and Ron had seemed to focus on my mother’s hearing problems, which to me where completely beside the point.
So this time, Ron did empathize with me. When I said he didn’t seem to understand how difficult my mother is, he said it seems as if I am not taking on board how difficult the level of abandonment in my family towards me was for me. And i say that lately, I’ve been remembering the emotions of what that was like, and it is quite horrifying sometimes. I am realizing it, and I hate it.
A lot of the rest of the session was working with the greyness I had been feeling that week and was feeling now in his office. I thought it might be V’s feelings, which came up at the end of the previous session. She seems to carry the damage from my family from when I was in school.
I tried to let V talk, but it was difficult. That part is so depressed and so sad, at times it seems she cannot speak at all, just feel.
In the middle of the session, some kind of shadowy scenario came up. There were large people around (adults from my child perspective), we were in the apartment in European country, there was a crib, maybe on of my sibling’s.
I tried to get more clear on what was happening, but couldn’t. The scene was all shadowy.
Eventually I became extremely upset. It was as if some awful awful thing had happened, and I was totally alone with it, with no one to help me. To a child mind, help is expected. I knew someone should help me, yet there was no one to do so.
So I cry in this heartbroken way.
The session was almost over, and I know in a part of my mind I need to come back, but really can’t. Ron tries to do grounding, but I have absolutely zero interest in that. I kind of come back, but feel incredibly remote and withdrawn. I tell Ron I don’t want to do an emergency switch, as I have in the past, because it cuts those parts off entirely. He agrees, and keeps trying to help me come back enough to leave and drive.
I think I stay one or two minutes late, trying to breathe and get back. Then I leave, not really saying goodbye. I’m kind of shocked by what seems to have happened to me in the past.
Since the session, I’ve believed more that something really traumatic happened to me. The part that carries that is buried, but less buried than before. So I feel pretty bad – not very functional.
I did notice Ron did not offer a call or check in. He said I could write to him. I miss him offering check ins.
Overall though Ron was great. He always wants to hear how it is, and hear from any parts that can speak. He doesn’t push, and he doesn’t shy away either. I do have the feeling that he was there in the experience with me somehow, which makes it more bearable.