Helloo out there! I thought I’d try blogging a bit again.
Life is a bit different for me since I last posted, and also, a bit the same. The different bit is that I accepted a full-time job in May (I was working contracts previously). There’ve been ups and downs with the job, it’s not perfect, but overall it’s OK. I do love the sense of stability it gives me that, barring anything unforeseen, I don’t have to worry about finding jobs or being between jobs for a while. And it pays quite a lot, for my circumstances anyway, so that’s a bonus too.
I’m still working through therapy, though sometimes I go every second week only. I still feel ambivalent about my therapist – she’s nice enough, but at times says silly things where I just wince inside….She has an ‘education’ approach I wasn’t used to, and while it can feel a bit distanced at times, the knowledge about how trauma works has been invaluable. I didn’t know I need to calm my nervous system – that was never mentioned in my therapy with wild and crazy Ron. I know that this T does keep up to date on knowledge and findings about trauma from this century and that truly is helpful.
I went to every second week only a while ago because therapy continues to trigger me badly. Even though I am cautious about discussing the past and prefer to work on the present, I still somehow manage to touch on triggers without realizing it in the therapy room. Then the next few days are a nightmare of trying to find my way back to functioning. I don’t feel that these episodes help me in any way – I think they’re just triggered responses, that then go back down, ready to emerge again exactly in the same way.
A few weeks ago though, that didn’t happen. I went into the session extremely discouraged about a work situation and feeling hopeless, and left with a good understanding that this was an emotional flashback, not the real current world, and I actually felt better! This lasted through the weekend as well. I do envy people who can go to therapy and then emerge feeling better almost as a matter of course. That can bring it’s own problems I know, as then you may see the therapy as the only way to feel better – but it must be better than feeling worse after sessions.
Then I decided to go back every week again, and the results are mixed – one time I was triggered, another time I felt somewhat better.
I believe I’m having this troubling experience because some of my internal reactions are held in other parts, so I don’t notice them in the session, but then they emerge after. One of the effects of having the SA occur when I was so very young.
Last session, we discussed – that I’d been triggered by the previous session (M says she would not be a good therapist if she shied away from trying to work on difficult issues – whatever), trying to figure out what the trigger was (we had different ideas on that), my current allergies which are limiting my life as I mostly need to stay indoors, a zoom poetry evening I regularly attend where I have difficulty relaxing and feeling accepted (kind of an experiment for me with a basically kind group), a bicycle I have had locked in my garage for years and would like to clean up, take in for tune-up and ride. M offered to cut the session short because my fatigue was making it difficult for me to actually work on much, and we cut it short by a few minutes, which we will tack on to another session.
A big issue for me is that since my family was academic, and they felt that the only good profession is to be an academic (though they would have also accepted doctor, lawyer, etc.), and I achieved a less lofty profession, I have a hard time with anyone who is an academic. There are some former academics in the poetry group I go to, and when they start talking, I feel somehow attacked and rejected….M says this is my own issue, stemming from my past, and the people in the group are not causing my feelings. Which I accept and which I struggle with.
I went into the session very fatigued, and very negative and critical, and I’m sure M wasn’t having a lot of fun dealing with me. However, I didn’t have the blow back at home in the next few days and felt slightly more grounded after the session. Go figure. And luckily, I don’t greatly worry about what M thinks of me, so I don’t have that to deal with for the most part.
I hope if you are reading this, all is well in your world and you also are well.