I do wonder if anyone will read what I write after so long. I am doing OK. I’ve been working since October last year, and this contract has had its ups and downs. Its a project moving some processes from one division to another. I was hired to write some of the processes, though now it’s turned into more of a training/woman of all work type of position.
I am still seeing Martine for therapy. We meet online, although she has offered to meet in person as I am working from home and see almost no one. I did go back in person in the summer and fall, but since our latest lockdown we stick to online. It feels a bit more distant but I manage.
I still don’t feel wildly attached to Martine, the way I was with Ron. However, this therapy helps me while Ron’s therapy really did not, after about a year or so, and I stayed many years. Allowing my feelings free reign is kind of the opposite of what I need to be able to do. And the ‘group therapy’ I went through was a bit of a horror show. I now believe Ron needed to provide guidance and direction, instead of sitting back and let everything happen as it would. What do you learn from chaos? He could also have directly shared with me how I could have interacted in a more productive way. Anyway – in the past. But I do think that was needless suffering for me with little gain. I try never to think about it, but it’s a real painful memory.
We are doing Internal Family Systems at the moment, which Martine is doing a bit of training in currently. Although I also have dissociative parts, she is focusing on looking at things from an IFS perspective. For instance at the moment, I have a part active that she says is a protector part. I am having fierce anxiety lately during work hours and she is looking at this as a part. I dunno. Could be?
Also we’ve been looking at how a lot of situations at work remind me of my past, so triggering me into a lot of big emotions. It’s sobering to think that most of my reactions are to a past which has already happened, rather than appropriate to the present.
I am struggling at work to present in a calm way. There’s this huge emphasis on calmness, no matter what is actually said or done, that I cannot live up to. In general, I have trouble presenting as always the same – I can be quite fractured at times, which confuses people and hurts my reputation.
I’ve also had a severe struggle with my one other team-mate. I tried to problem solve the situation but seem to have perhaps made things worse? Hard to say. And it is too bad because it would be so helpful and cheering to have someone to talk to about work things.
The main thing I work on day to day is staying regulated. I do at least one guided meditation or walking meditation a day, and am trying to build in activities that are calming, though this is hard when I’m often just so stressed all I can do is sit and watch TV. However, I try. I’m listening to audio books at times, and sometimes even am able to read. I’m focusing on middle grade books for the most part. There is some great writing for children these days IMO.
All the emphasis on emotional regulation has taught me to pay more attention to how I am feeling throughout the day, sometimes considering if I’m in my window of tolerance, and if not, how can I get back? Not an easy thing at times with strong emotions winning out often. However, that is the battle, and at least now I feel I am on the field. Trying to remain a calm adult self, not get hijacked by younger emotional parts. It is difficult.
I am also glad I’m no longer in an attached therapy. This means I don’t really worry about what Martine is thinking. Sometimes she does hurt me with a comment, but it’s not the end of the world for me. I don’t think we are naturally compatible, yet, we both try, she is nice enough, and we both have goodwill. And the theories she uses match my situation. Which I now think is hugely important. When I was feeling super attached, I didn’t have perspective. I don’t think that helped me.
I’m still reading blogs, just not commenting much. I’ve come to the conclusion that blog comments can’t really help, unless it’s to build camaraderie. We’re all caught up in our issues, and if we could find a way out with something said, we would already be free. Hope all are very well.