Hello Blogland,

I do wonder if anyone will read what I write after so long. I am doing OK. I’ve been working since October last year, and this contract has had its ups and downs. Its a project moving some processes from one division to another. I was hired to write some of the processes, though now it’s turned into more of a training/woman of all work type of position.

I am still seeing Martine for therapy. We meet online, although she has offered to meet in person as I am working from home and see almost no one. I did go back in person in the summer and fall, but since our latest lockdown we stick to online. It feels a bit more distant but I manage.

I still don’t feel wildly attached to Martine, the way I was with Ron. However, this therapy helps me while Ron’s therapy really did not, after about a year or so, and I stayed many years. Allowing my feelings free reign is kind of the opposite of what I need to be able to do. And the ‘group therapy’ I went through was a bit of a horror show. I now believe Ron needed to provide guidance and direction, instead of sitting back and let everything happen as it would. What do you learn from chaos? He could also have directly shared with me how I could have interacted in a more productive way. Anyway – in the past. But I do think that was needless suffering for me with little gain. I try never to think about it, but it’s a real painful memory.

We are doing Internal Family Systems at the moment, which Martine is doing a bit of training in currently. Although I also have dissociative parts, she is focusing on looking at things from an IFS perspective. For instance at the moment, I have a part active that she says is a protector part. I am having fierce anxiety lately during work hours and she is looking at this as a part. I dunno. Could be?

Also we’ve been looking at how a lot of situations at work remind me of my past, so triggering me into a lot of big emotions. It’s sobering to think that most of my reactions are to a past which has already happened, rather than appropriate to the present.

I am struggling at work to present in a calm way. There’s this huge emphasis on calmness, no matter what is actually said or done, that I cannot live up to. In general, I have trouble presenting as always the same – I can be quite fractured at times, which confuses people and hurts my reputation.

I’ve also had a severe struggle with my one other team-mate. I tried to problem solve the situation but seem to have perhaps made things worse? Hard to say. And it is too bad because it would be so helpful and cheering to have someone to talk to about work things.

The main thing I work on day to day is staying regulated. I do at least one guided meditation or walking meditation a day, and am trying to build in activities that are calming, though this is hard when I’m often just so stressed all I can do is sit and watch TV. However, I try. I’m listening to audio books at times, and sometimes even am able to read. I’m focusing on middle grade books for the most part. There is some great writing for children these days IMO.

All the emphasis on emotional regulation has taught me to pay more attention to how I am feeling throughout the day, sometimes considering if I’m in my window of tolerance, and if not, how can I get back? Not an easy thing at times with strong emotions winning out often. However, that is the battle, and at least now I feel I am on the field. Trying to remain a calm adult self, not get hijacked by younger emotional parts. It is difficult.

I am also glad I’m no longer in an attached therapy. This means I don’t really worry about what Martine is thinking. Sometimes she does hurt me with a comment, but it’s not the end of the world for me. I don’t think we are naturally compatible, yet, we both try, she is nice enough, and we both have goodwill. And the theories she uses match my situation. Which I now think is hugely important. When I was feeling super attached, I didn’t have perspective. I don’t think that helped me.

I’m still reading blogs, just not commenting much. I’ve come to the conclusion that blog comments can’t really help, unless it’s to build camaraderie. We’re all caught up in our issues, and if we could find a way out with something said, we would already be free. Hope all are very well.

  1. Its good to hear news of you.. things are going so much better for you.. its always so good when triggers do not trigger us as much as they used to.

  2. Me said:

    Lovely to hear from you and that you’re doing so well. Take good care of yourself x

  3. It’s so nice to see you are still here and that things have improved so much for you! I’m glad you are doing well and that therapy is helping. 💗

  4. Q said:

    It’s really good to hear from you and find out how things are going. Sorry I didn’t see this earlier (I have only recently started spending more time in the blogging world again).

    I think it’s a huge step forward when we learn to monitor our emotional states and start to have coping mechanisms for the times we are out of our window of tolerance. Even if the mechanisms don’t always work perfectly, even if we don’t always have the energy to use them, just their existence gives us the sense that, oh, maybe everything is not as completely out of my control as I thought. And every success, every time we manage difficult emotions or get re-regulate ourselves, these all add up and build confidence. At least that’s how it’s felt for me and it seems like I am seeing some of that in your post as well. Of course things won’t be perfect; that’s okay. Better is already a big relief.

    I’m glad you are working, that Martine is helpful, and that you have some strategies that you can rely on. Sending good wishes!

  5. Ashana said:

    I’m really glad see a post from you. Although I am not writing much either, I wondered how you were.

  6. Hi there! I never even knew you’d changed therapist! I’m out of the loop! I hope you are still well, and doing ok, or as ok as you can be. X

  7. Hi Ellen,
    I am a new reader and I just found your blog. I am struggling with similar challenges and it’s validating and comforting to read about your experiences. Thank you for sharing here on your blog 😊 :).

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