Sleep

Sleep issues again, after I’d pretty much got over this. I was dozing all night, except for when I got up to try over with going to sleep. No huge deal. I’m pretty sure it was the decaf Americano I had in the late afternoon. There is a cafe I love because it’s a bit tucked away from the main street, so there’s still lots of foot traffic for people watching, while away from the worst of the car fumes. They make a good Americano, but somehow their decaf seems to keep me from sleeping. Maybe they grind it with the same grinder as caffeinated, and it gets quite a bit of caffeine in there? I don’t drink any caffeine after nine in the morning, as I’m pretty sensitive.

Evil Americano….

So I’m tired, but it’s fine. I don’t need to be anywhere or get a lot done. I picked up my groceries, did my dishes, and now I’ll head for a walk in the fall sunlight. No more lovely Americanos for me, caf or decaf, at my favourite cafe. Herbal tea will have to do.

I’ve been thinking about my last post. A huge benefit of writing here is I then get to think about what seems to be on my mind! I realize I likely will need to find a new therapist. I’m afraid Martine and I just don’t have enough personal chemistry to make this work. We both try, but I don’t think it should be this hard.

I do think this type of therapy helps me. I feel calmer in my day to day, and I’m doing some type of meditation or yoga daily to help that process. This seems to help me interacting with other people such as store clerks and baristas. I was perfectly polite usually anyway, but I suspect an anxious way of interacting puts people off. People in stores seems nicer to me now. Yesterday the barista at my favourite cafe even chatted with me, which never really happens usually.

The concept that we can’t process feelings or trauma if we can’t remain in our window of tolerance is huge. That is something Martine often talks about and tries to help me to accomplish, and I believe that is the approach I need. The other approach, of going for emotional intensity in the belief that ‘getting it out’ will be curative, doesn’t help me.

As well, I’m becoming more tolerant of exercise than I was. I’m doing a graduated aerobics program, increasing about a minute a week, and I’m up to about 15 minutes, from 7, with no shut down happening after. Increasing my exercise tolerance is a huge goal and it’s going in the right direction.

So it is not obvious that my therapy sucks and I need to end it ASAP. It seems like the right therapy, but the relationship with this T is difficult, and I think it’s not difficult just because of my own issues, but because the personal fit is lacking.

I will go back next week and see if Martine brings up the raised voices disagreement we had at the end of the previous. My belief is that she needs to bring this up and try to deal with it. I know I could. But this is something she definitely knows happened, it wasn’t happening silently in my head, so as the professional, I want to see her deal with it and not sweep it under the rug.

I was also thinking about friends. I think I’m going to cut my depressed friend and my boy crazy friend a lot of slack – we do share things when we do get together, and sometimes friendships are on the back burner. I understand that. I think that unfortunately, I will not reach out to my religious friend any more. For me, when someone doesn’t want to share any emotional parts of their life, I don’t feel that is a friendship. If she wanted to do activities, that would be OK, but her time is taken up by religious activities. So perhaps I do need to let her go.

Well – out for my walk in the sun. Then I may attend an informal outdoor concert happening in the neighbourhood, if I can master my fatigue. Hope you are having a good weekend dear reader.

3 comments
  1. Ashana said:

    Having the day-to-day world (baristas, etc) seem friendly is huge

    • Ellen said:

      Right? Hoping it continues – the world stops appearing as a dark and dangerous place!

  2. Q said:

    My sleep sucks these days, so I feel for you. The days feel so hard when the nights are not restful.

    I am wondering what is happening with you and Martine? Did she bring up the tense interaction? Did you tell her you are going to leave? I hope you are feeling okay about wherever you are with therapy, making a transition or still thinking about it.

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