Life is chugging along. How’s that for a basically meaningless opening? What I mean is, I am participating in life, and it’s taking a lot of my energy. I’ve got a contract where I need to be onsite every day, with quite a long commute. So doing that, and then the daily stuff – food, clean, laundry – that’s about all I seem able to handle. To my chagrin, because I have interests I’d like to pursue.
I’ve been sick, some kind of coughing flu, and though now largely over it, I have a bit of a cough still and a lot of fatigue. Ron also has been sick, so between the two of us I missed about a month’s worth of sessions. Since I don’t get paid sick days and had to take almost a week off, it’s probably for the best that at least I saved that expense for a while.
We’ve been discussing relationships, and my lack thereof lately. Last week, we touched on the ‘K’ issue. I’d been very drawn in to this issue, and because I was at home when the two gave their testimony in front of the judiciary committee, I saw both testify live. At the time, I’d though that it would be impossible for this rapist to be confirmed. But, of course, I was wrong.
I wasn’t triggered by Prof Blasey Ford’s testimony in the sense that it brought up my own abuse memories. What did trigger me was how she was then treated, and the solid wall of denial that slammed down on her. Because, though I haven’t disclosed the SA to my family, I know that is how they would respond also. The fact that this man was then actually confirmed, and that this victim/hero was mocked by the so called leader of our neighbour to the south, that did trigger me. We discussed in therapy just towards the end, and then I asked Ron to stop talking about it because I needed to leave the session and was becoming more and more upset.
I feel that I do better when I go to therapy, but it’s more a matter of being listened to and supported, rather than anything Ron says. Being supported week after week is actually worth an awful lot. I think that because of this, I am able to think about my past and my present in ways I was not able to before. There’s something about dysfunctional families that stops you from being able to think about them. I don’t hear this discussed much, but I’ve found it to be a very basic truth of trying to heal.
The other thing I have discovered and have been thinking about lately is a way to deal with my dissociation. For me, it seems to be very deeply true that I need to reach out to these younger parts of me internally, reassure them, and explain what’s going on in terms that make sense to a young child. When I do this, I start to feel a lot better and become more able to do tasks. Somehow, these young parts have been living in an abusive environment, and it’s up to me to fix that, to be a kind of parent who is gentle and available and patient.
This is not something Ron has talked about. If I bring it up, he’ll say that he is in agreement. It pains me sometimes, that he doesn’t really have knowledge of dissociation or how to help. However, with him supporting me in other ways, I can find this stuff out on my own. I do think I’m doing as well as others who have more specific help though. A therapeutic relationship is not easy and it is so helpful to have it, and I am grateful for it.