I skipped therapy this week. I just gave 24 hours notice too – I usually try to give a lot more so he can fill the slot, possibly. Selfish.
I wanted a weekend where I was not too sad to function, where I could go out and do things I’d planned, and maybe even speak to someone. I worked from home every day last week and had no meetings, so I barely spoke all week. It just seems too much to be disabled by sadness every single weekend.
Well, that was the plan. I felt sad when I cancelled my session, but I did not really miss going, and I definitely did not miss the aftermath. However, we have a strange winter storm that hit precisely on the weekend. Freezing rain is one of those circumstances where I like to stay nice and dry at home. So, I’ve been on my own anyway. I guess I might as well have been sad and recovering from therapy.
I think therapy is making me worse. It’s been eight years, so it’s not really the kind of worse where you’re opening up new emotions. I don’t think. To tell the truth, I’m not sure what is causing my distress after therapy. The sessions do not seem that intense. I don’t cry. I don’t have conflict with Ron, for the most part.
I’m thinking of going every two weeks. That would keep the attached parts calm, while giving me every second weekend to get things done and go out a bit.
To change the topic a bit, I’ve been on a physical health kick. I got a book from the library about adrenal burn out/thyroid issues. It’s got a whole plan for how to help, focusing on diet, with exercise and stress reduction, and supplements. I bought a fancy(ish) blender which is now taking up a big chunk of my tiny kitchen counter, so I could make the breakfast smoothies this plan recommends. The general idea of the diet is that a lot of fatigue, illness, and weight gain is due to the adrenals or thyroid no longer functioning optimally. The plan attempts to ‘reset’ your hormonal balance. Part of this is having limited carbs in the morning, some carbs at lunch and more carbs at dinner.
The smoothies are interesting. I’m putting in spinach, and trying for the right amount of berries, also a small scoop of white beans, a fat, and protein powder. I am eating way more veg and fruit than usual this way. I’m not feeling quite full all morning from this though. I’m not really doing this to lose weight anyway – I just do not have much energy and am hoping this will help.
I’m also pretty regularly going for a thirty minute walk before noon, which I can do because of working from home at the moment. That gets me out into bright light and also some exercise, but not enough to trigger off my symptoms.
I was thinking, what if my collapsing after exercise is at least in part because of a hormone issue? Apparently if you’re on the far end of being burnt out, any vigorous exercise makes you feel worse. Maybe I have a physical issues as well as the mental one.
My lack of energy rules my life to a large extent. So I’m hoping this helps. At times, I think it is already helping. Just I’m still getting triggered and collapsing quite a bit.
I really like that I’ve started various activities and they are important to me. I go to knitting circle, writing group, choir, church group once a month, ACA group. But I’m needing to miss an awful lot when I go to therapy and then can’t function anymore. I feel sometimes I’m getting more out of the activity groups than I am out of therapy.
Now I feel guilty I’ve said that. Because I do have a close relationship with Ron. I know he’s done his best for me year after year. I just don’t quite think he’s helping me anymore.
That said, I’ve gained a lot. I’m able to be nicer to myself. I can hear various parts and I try to take care of them. I am nicer to people – I didn’t come from a ‘people pleasing’ problem, so for me, it’s good that I can be nicer now, consider how the other person is feeling. I don’t date or have a relationship so I’m not sure if I’ve improved in that area. Possibly.
It’s good to remember I’ve made some gains from this huge investment of time, money and energy.