Moody

Such a difficult day. Nothing’s happened, but my mood plummeted. Finally at five I decided to go for a walk and that helped a bit. The sky was purply with some interesting clouds. I just feel so freekin lonely I guess. I suppose that’s it, but i don’t really know. The wind is making this eerie whistling sound. I feel hollow and sometimes on the verge of tears but I don’t cry. If there was someone, I likely couldn’t explain what’s wrong. I mean, lots of things are missing in my life, but I’m not usually this down. Maybe it was bad dreams that I can’t really remember.

I went to Unitarian church this morning. I’ve started taking notes of the sermons. Seems maybe odd, but I can’t remember very well what was said if I don’t. Though today’s maybe I would have remembered as it was not that complex. The congregation is trying to find a new home so this was the topic – about being true to the past and yet moving into the future and changing as needed.

I stay after for coffee time. I have been feeling like crap already all morning, but I’m there to try to connect so I go. I do chat for quite a while to a nice woman. It’s small talk I guess. I’m trying to communicate like a grown up and so don’t mention any heavy topics. I do want to have meaningful conversations, but isn’t it best to keep things very light when you just meet someone? On the other hand, then the conversation is not very exciting. We talked about skiing, snowshoeing, the congregation’s move, that the minister is a cool guy, that she’s thinking of buying a canoe, how long we’ve been coming to the service, where we live, and right at the end that she has a grown-up son as do I. Then I excused myself and left. I was feeling more and more stressed and just wanting to leave.

I had that feeling of being fake in the conversation that I sometimes have in therapy also. But really, I wasn’t fake. I just wasn’t speaking about my deeper concerns. I was trying to keep the conversation going and hoping she liked me. I have this fear that I will be rejected by everyone so it always seems I have to work hard to prevent that from happening.

So I didn’t find out that much about her. Neither of us asked what the other did for work.  She had been going to the church a lot longer than I had. I wondered after if she actually wanted to talk to me or was just being nice to a stranger. Who knows.

Spent some time on an online dating site. Not something to cheer anyone up. Men who contact me are ten or more years older than I am….Been there, done that, don’t want to do it again. I want someone my own age. Then there was the catholic gentleman – we messaged back and forth for two weeks, then it emerged he wants someone ‘god-fearing’ for marriage. I message that I’m not religious and I never hear from him again. He was my age and I like how he looked…Better to find out right up front that we’re not compatible, but this did not lift my mood.

BTW unitarians are spiritual but non-creedal. There is not much mention of God and there is no sacred text. I’m sure a practicing Catholic would not be impressed.

Anyhow.

Ron was sick last week so no therapy. I still want to write about my sessions but I’m too depressed at the moment.

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4 comments
  1. Sometimes it feels like we can carry a great sadness in our soul. We long to share it but fear being rejected again for being ‘too deep’. I think this is something I can really relate to. Its not always easy to make heart to heart connections. Sending you a hug.

    • Ellen said:

      Yeah, that’s kind of how I feel. Thank you.

  2. Laura E Burns said:

    if you can bring your feelings to a “light” topic, I think that works… you feel connected to the conversation, and perhaps this will be common ground. Perhaps you search for common ground where you both feel connected to the topic? A man in my therapy group spoke of talking to a stranger at a work dinner (that he was dreading) for an hour and a half, about music. he had a great time. He has very painful parts of his life too, but I think this topic gives him joy and comfort.
    How can I make this moment more enjoyable (that is, for MYSELF)?
    I think this is a matter of practice (which you are doing!), finding, preparing, graceful words to say so that you know that the painful places will be protected. You don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to. If you could do this, you might not have to block off whole topics (like the sons you have in common – the pain, anxieties, guilt, satisfactions and joys that you most likely have in common).

    • Ellen said:

      This makes a lot of sense Laura, thank you. I think preparing a bit is a good idea, and trying to find common topics that are not painful is a key point. Not all of my life is about pain so why not try and share that. The sons part is very painful for me, and is the point where I kind of bolted, as my son is not doing well….But the overall practicing speaking to new people with some mental guidelines in mind is what I want to do.

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