Self-help

Time for a post. I am finally mostly recovered, though when I stopped taking my immune boosting herbs a few days ago, the cough came right back, so I went back to taking them. But I am much better overall. I have some energy back at last.

I’m wanting to re-engineer my life a bit. I’ve started to go for a walk first thing in the morning, instead of waiting until I’ve applied for a job. Light disappears so fast in November, the best way to enjoy some daylight is to go out by about 10 or so. I went for a long walk this morning and it was nice. I walked to a near-by shopping street so I would at least see some people and I accomplished a few errands (like buying a tart lemon square at a new bakery, nja ha ha).

I’m also attempting to get up at a decent hour so I could be at my desk by nine if needed. It’s challenging because I so often wake up at night and can’t go back to sleep for a while, but overall it’s a good thing to keep on top of.

I’ve gone back to my 12 step group, twice in a row now. It’s a lot easier for me to do something regularly than once in a while, so this is good. I find the group challenging. There are 15 – 20 people each time, so it is popular, but it’s challenging to share in such a large group. But I manage. It’s got a real self-help focus, which is different from my therapy, but I think it’s a good thing for me to add to therapy.

Then I was trying to do short meditation each morning and evening. That seemed to bring things up a bit for me, one of which we discussed in therapy which was upsetting, so now I’m leery of it. Maybe if I stick to guided meditation it would be more appealing.

To tell the honest truth, the long walk this morning triggered something in me. I don’t know what it is, but I feel kind of teary and exhausted and shut down. I hate that exercise can have that effect. I’d like to feel whatever it is but I just can’t seem to. It just manifests as avoidance, tiredness, lethargy.

So while I’m doing some things that seem like they should be helpful, and they sometimes are, the same things are sometimes mysteriously triggering.

I want to write a bit about my therapy in my next post, once I’ve gotten through whatever this is that’s come up.

Here is what the walk was like:

Walking along is nice. Sometimes an intense sadness hits. I cross the street, see the grey sky and trees with only a few leaves, and sadness like a separate person overtakes me. This sadness doesn’t make me exhausted. It’s like a different way of being. It’s fragile and easily slips away. If I go into a store to buy something, sadness leaves. Is this a good thing? Not really, because I don’t know this sadness. I know depression. I don’t know what the sadness is. Who are you?

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