I have been chugging along, therapy less and all. I missed Ron when I was massively triggered from a too long group hike, but otherwise, not greatly missing. Such a change from previous years, when I was constantly aware of his absence for the vacation weeks.
The T I emailed a week ago did get back to me. We’ve been going back and forth by email a bit, with long delays in between. She thinks she’ll have space later next month, but is not sure about an evening slot. I’m not sure whether I’d need evening or not anyway. The fact is, I feel massively guilty ‘going behind Ron’s back’ and speaking to another T. Even though I’m making no progress on the trauma part of this whatsoever. And I remain sceptical that I ever will with Ron, because he doesn’t have the knowledge.
Though it could be some kind of interpersonal issue I guess. But he’s not going to help me with that either.
And yet. He’s bee so faithful. And never condescending, which for some reason seems difficult for therapists. And I’ve learned a lot about my family. To the point where sometimes I feel negatively obsessed by then, full of anger and resentment. Unreasoning anger and rage. I want to work through this and leave them behind. Instead they seem to be an open seething wound in my soul.
I’ve been trying to complete chores and tasks that I let slide when employed. For instance, my towels started dissolving and leaving gobs of fluff all over me, especially noticeable on my face. I realized they were about thirty years old after all. Went off to a big box store yesterday to purchase more. Difficult for me. It sounds silly, but I’d never been to this damn plaza before, just seen it out of the corner of my eye. So that creates this barrier as something that is a difficult task – something I have to gird myself up for. Did that yesterday, purchased four towels. Even on sale this is not cheap. Boring and expensive, that bad combination.
I washed all my pillows and in the process destroyed one of them. I didn’t know you had to wash it cool, and washed it hottish. A mess of lumps. I slept on it anyway and today I woke up with a massive headache, so bad I felt sick to my stomach. So today nothing got done whatsoever….But the headache is quite a bit better, so that’s something. Just these are my last days off and it is a pity to waste them.
I’ve tried attending more meetups, other than the walking. I am giving myself credit for efforts at socializing. I don’t seem to meet anyone very compatible, but I am realizing I’m OK in social situations. I can cope and say appropriate things. I didn’t used to feel I could, so social situations would frighten me. But I’ve learned. However, it’s still an effort to go to one of these events. Today I could go, and I just can’t make myself.
Today I feel rather down. I’ve been trying to find a good book to read. I read about 100 pages, then give up. Suddenly, the book seems useless and I find i have zero interest in finding out what happens. I keep thinking, if I can just find the right book, I will be happy. Maybe it’s not the books.
I need to get back to this alternate T and maybe get on her waiting list. Maybe it’s a good sign that she’s booked up, maybe she’s especially good. She charges 45 more an hour than Ron. Ron’s prices are a little low though. He is very unmaterialistic. I suspect her rate is more average.
Saw bits of the partial eclipse on Monday. I called my ex, and he called my son, and we all went to a local science centre where they were handing out glasses. Of course by the time we got there the glasses were gone. Still. We borrowed from others, and stayed about an hour. Through the glasses, there was an orange sun with a growing bit of moon shadow in front. And the sunny day became briefly darker, though no where near dark with a partial eclipse. I liked being part of a major celestial event, marking the day by going somewhere new, being part of it for a while.
I was a bit bitchy with the ex. I seem to have a lot more resentment of those years together than he does. Of course, I was oppressed, he was doing the oppressing. He wasn’t happy either, but wasn’t left with a huge chunk of anger as I was. I just wasn’t especially nice. I contradicted, I criticized his choice in the restaurant (he has health issues, but that’s not really my business is it). I felt in general out of sorts after the outing, irritated with him and with myself.
In general I’m just bogged down a bit. I suppose depressed. Shying away from groups. My friend E is back from vacation, so we can do a few things together on weekends.
I’m trying to write stories. I feel that I do suck big time. Still. Maybe if I keep at it, I’ll improve? It’s hard. My family doesn’t really tell stories. In fact, they are outstanding for their silence on almost all topics. So why not blame my lack of story telling ability on them? Might as well. Nya ha ha.