Chugging along

I have been chugging along, therapy less and all. I missed Ron when I was massively triggered from a too long group hike, but otherwise, not greatly missing. Such a change from previous years, when I was constantly aware of his absence for the vacation weeks.

The T I emailed a week ago did get back to me. We’ve been going back and forth by email a bit, with long delays in between. She thinks she’ll have space later next month, but is not sure about an evening slot. I’m not sure whether I’d need evening or not anyway. The fact is, I feel massively guilty ‘going behind Ron’s back’ and speaking to another T. Even though I’m making no progress on the trauma part of this whatsoever. And I remain sceptical that I ever will with Ron, because he doesn’t have the knowledge.

Though it could be some kind of interpersonal issue I guess. But he’s not going to help me with that either.

And yet. He’s bee so faithful. And never condescending, which for some reason seems difficult for therapists. And I’ve learned a lot about my family. To the point where sometimes I feel negatively obsessed by then, full of anger and resentment. Unreasoning anger and rage. I want to work through this and leave them behind. Instead they seem to be an open seething wound in my soul.

I’ve been trying to complete chores and tasks that I let slide when employed. For instance, my towels started dissolving and leaving gobs of fluff all over me, especially noticeable on my face. I realized they were about thirty years old after all. Went off to a big box store yesterday to purchase more. Difficult for me. It sounds silly, but I’d never been to this damn plaza before, just seen it out of the corner of my eye. So that creates this barrier as something that is a difficult task – something I have to gird myself up for. Did that yesterday, purchased four towels. Even on sale this is not cheap. Boring and expensive, that bad combination.

I washed all my pillows and in the process destroyed one of them. I didn’t know you had to wash it cool, and washed it hottish. A mess of lumps. I slept on it anyway and today I woke up with a massive headache, so bad I felt sick to my stomach. So today nothing got done whatsoever….But the headache is quite a bit better, so that’s something. Just these are my last days off and it is a pity to waste them.

I’ve tried attending more meetups, other than the walking. I am giving myself credit for efforts at socializing. I don’t seem to meet anyone very compatible, but I am realizing I’m OK in social situations. I can cope and say appropriate things. I didn’t used to feel I could, so social situations would frighten me. But I’ve learned. However, it’s still an effort to go to one of these events. Today I could go, and I just can’t make myself.

Today I feel rather down. I’ve been trying to find a good book to read. I read about 100 pages, then give up. Suddenly, the book seems useless and I find i have zero interest in finding out what happens. I keep thinking, if I can just find the right book, I will be happy. Maybe it’s not the books.

I need to get back to this alternate T and maybe get on her waiting list. Maybe it’s a good sign that she’s booked up, maybe she’s especially good. She charges 45 more an hour than Ron. Ron’s prices are a little low though. He is very unmaterialistic. I suspect her rate is more average.

Saw bits of the partial eclipse on Monday. I called my ex, and he called my son, and we all went to a local science centre where they were handing out glasses. Of course by the time we got there the glasses were gone. Still. We borrowed from others, and stayed about an hour. Through the glasses, there was an orange sun with a growing bit of moon shadow in front. And the sunny day became briefly darker, though no where near dark with a partial eclipse. I liked being part of a major celestial event, marking the day by going somewhere new, being part of it for a while.

I was a bit bitchy with the ex. I seem to have a lot more resentment of those years together than he does. Of course, I was oppressed, he was doing the oppressing. He wasn’t happy either, but wasn’t left with a huge chunk of anger as I was. I just wasn’t especially nice. I contradicted, I criticized his choice in the restaurant (he has health issues, but that’s not really my business is it). I felt in general out of sorts after the outing, irritated with him and with myself.

In general I’m just bogged down a bit. I suppose depressed. Shying away from groups. My friend E is back from vacation, so we can do a few things together on weekends.

I’m trying to write stories. I feel that I do suck big time. Still. Maybe if I keep at it, I’ll improve? It’s hard. My family doesn’t really tell stories. In fact, they are outstanding for their silence on almost all topics. So why not blame my lack of story telling ability on them? Might as well. Nya ha ha.

 

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10 comments
  1. DV said:

    I know, it does feel very disloyal seeking out another therapist when you’ve been working with the same one for so long, especially if you are still seeing them while you’re looking. I think an important factor in choosing a new one is whether they can handle ambivalence about working with them, understanding that you want something you’re not getting from Ron but that leaving him (or working with him less) will be a significant loss. It does sound worth at least giving this other T a try though.

    Storytelling is most definitely an acquired skill, one that gets honed right from childhood, and I think it’s fair enough to lay a large chunk of blame on your family for bringing you up in an atmosphere that suppressed that. You do get better with practice, but also from reading other authors and thinking about how their writing makes you feel and trying to work out how they achieved that. Maybe any reading you do could be more with that in mind than the plot itself.

    I don’t think you suck at writing or telling stories. I only follow a handful of personal blogs, ones where I enjoy the writing style and feel engaged by the story the blogger is telling about themselves, where I care what happens next, and yours is one I like. I think you can build on that skill. I’d be interested to hear what drew you to storytelling and what you enjoy about it. Have you ever done any writing classes or workshops? Or been in any groups focussed on that?

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks for being interested in my writing. I was a bookworm as a child and young adult and that was my primary means of escape. I think I read a lot of complex books, but without really understanding the emotional or psychological aspects. Now I can understand these, but am having some trouble reading. Reading used to be my second nature and I miss it. I do find, to your comment, that when I am trying to write a story myself, I instantly pay more attention to how the author is writing, when I do read. It’s kind of automatic/

      I’m just drawn to writing because I have enjoyed reading so much I suppose. And I sometimes feel quite a bit of relief after writing a blog post for instance. Yet the actual writing can feel difficult and slow. I have taken two classes for creative writing, years ago. They were fine. I did fine with the small assignments. Before that, I took some English in uni, and I have a journalism diploma. So I have more writing education than many do. And I have time, and am introspective, which you would think would help.

      I think plots are hardest for me. I can’t think of what should happen… ๐Ÿ™‚

      Cheers

      • Ellen said:

        And I forgot to say – that’s good advice, to try to work out what authors are doing. I’ve just done that with a thriller I’m reading and it’s interesting. Thx

      • DV said:

        There’s a whole other side of you I didn’t know about ๐Ÿ™‚
        I also find that sometimes the words just flow and other times it feels like a struggle. I much prefer to write non-fiction, but I enjoy the process of explaining and ended up doing a lot of writing when I was in the historic re-enactment group, mainly amateur-level archeological research and about the historic objects I was trying to recreate.

  2. I’ve had a lot of resentful and angry feelings about my past recently too. Multiple times a day, memories with rage and anger come into my mind. Apparently it’s a healthy part of the healing process so I wouldn’t beat yourself up about it. Thanks for your honesty in this post. All the best xx

    • Ellen said:

      That sounds like me. Thanks Cycle.

  3. Grainne said:

    Just here to leave a hug and let you know I’m thinking of you. xx

  4. Hi Ellen – not sure if it’s possible for you, but can you have 2 Ts? I have one that I work with on DBT type skills and somatic stuff, and my original T, who is more psychodynamic.
    I have also had a really bad T experience and I just can’t seem to stay in therapy now once things get too close – so T2 is there ‘watching’ for me. I never want to get trapped with an exploitative T again.

    It works really well for me, so long as the practical one sticks to his knitting. They don’t work together or communicate at all (1st one doesn’t even know about 2nd one).

    Re the depression: maybe feeling like the therapy is going nowhere isn’t helping? I am thinking it would make you feel really hopeless (as in, without hope), and give you a sense of pessimism about the future..

    • Ellen said:

      Hi Defrag – Nice to meet you! I suppose I could have two T’s, if I can afford them! I might go that route – hope it works out for you going forward. Cheers

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