Mess

Day after therapy and I am a mess. I’ve gotten into some kind of a state where I can’t really function and now can’t sleep. It’s like this shocked state maybe. It feels bad but not really like a feeling which passes if I stay with it. It’s more like a state.

It’s not probably Ron’s fault. His therapy doesn’t help me with this, but I had other stressors. I knew I didn’t want to go into see him but it was too late to cancel, so I went. He’d actually moved the session at the last minute to the evening for me so I could go to a job interview.

The interview stressed me out a lot. It was a last minute request, so I hadn’t had a chance to memorize answers to the HR type questions they sometimes ask. My first interview this round of looking. So I prepared all morning memorizing these BS answers I’d written out last time I was looking. And reading over the recruiter’s advice sheets. This is something I try to avoid on interview day because it makes me even more nervous. Something about preparing really scares me so then I’m scared the whole day, and by the time I get to the interview I don’t present calmly.

And it looks like I didn’t get the contract as they were supposed to let me know today. (You only get positive notice.) That’s a bit of an insult. Even though I know I wasn’t as calm as I like to be, I was actually over-qualified for this one. The rate was a good deal less than I’m used to making, and I had 17 years’ experience where they were asking for three. I’d also done basically this job at the very start of my career, for this same large organization. Plus, to top it all off, they are actually hiring six writers. So to not be offered one of those places, something must really have gone wrong in the interview.

I’ve been trying not to take it too personally though. I don’t know what happened. I imagine bad things, like some kind of note on my file from when I worked there full-time over a decade ago….I remember some issues I ran into then. It was my first corporate job and I had some people issues, and one time I complained to HR about something I never would today. Who knows.

They did say though they really liked my resume. Ah well.

It’s not so bad. I have another interview Tuesday for a much better paying contract….Hopefully that one will work out.

The day before I’d had an emotional type day. Which was good, as I have trouble feeling my emotions often, but it left me vulnerable.

I’d gone swimming. I only swim for a short time, as I have trouble with exercise putting me into a dissociated state. This is one of my big issues. I have not been able to figure out why that keeps happening or how to stop it, and it’s so disruptive to my life that I limit exercise quite a bit, as it takes so much time to recover.

I enjoy the actual swimming and lying in the sun. After I got home I was in the usual state – heavy, feeling as if something was wrong, unable to function normally. This time I stayed with it more though, determined to find out what it was. I know i had tears running down my face at times. I tried to write out what I was feeling. And I noticed a lot of expression was coming from a traumatized young child part. So I went with that, and switched over to that part, but still trying to provide caring and compassion from the adult.

And so, I was young and traumatized, but things started to help. I put on some songs that this part liked. We ate ice cream. I tried reading a fairy tale, but the reading was too difficult. Finally, I ended up watching a Disney movie, and this part of me loved the movie. In my usual state, I wouldn’t respond like that to an animated movie, but this child part did.

Then I slept a solid seven hours. That never happens. I always wake up once or twice, if not more, at night. So to sleep that deeply is something. And I woke up not depressed. That was the day of the interview.

I think a problem was that i had to make such a severe switch from that vulnerable state to the adult trying to prepare and go to a job interview. It was a lot of stress right on top of having this emotional experience the day before.

So after the interview, I felt kind of blank and out of it. I went to my scheduled therapy session. I talked about my experience with the swimming and the kid after….I don’t know. Ron looked concerned I guess. I was talking about all this therapy stuff, but I’d say I was pretty out of it really. It was too much – the stress of the interview, after the child episode the day before, and now trying to talk about it. I know therapy is where you go to discuss things, and likely I do need to discuss this, but the timing was very bad.

Plus I’m finding I’m not trusting Ron. Where has my trust gone? I used to trust him so much. He gave me this odd look as I was leaving his office….I know I’m unusual and strange.

I suspect this therapy isn’t much good for me at times.

So here I am. I can’t sleep. I didn’t do enough today as I felt I couldn’t function. I ventured out to the store in the morning but that’s about it. It was threatening rain most of the day, and did rain quite a bit, so it wasn’t good outdoor weather.

There are other aspects to how I’m feeling but I’ll save those for another post.

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12 comments
  1. thinking of you ellen. it sounds like you’ve had a rough cojple of days. xx

  2. leb105 said:

    stay with it, E, great job staying with and nurturing your self! does it make it easier to know what might help, if the state is resulting from an identifiable part?
    Sounded like the interview was a throwaway practice for something down the road that you might actually want… try to stick with the facts and not interpret – your interpretations are all negative… about Ron, about the interview.
    Kudos, I hope you’ll write soon!

  3. I hope something better comes along, in that case.

    The work you did with the child parts seems very positive. I have this idea there is a process to integrating the feelings and state the child holds and accepting they are there and they need care from you is a good step to make. I think the first stage is a lot of anger and frustration that they are even there. This is my own idea and may not be right.

    • Ellen said:

      I definitely feel that anger/frustration that child parts are there. It’s a challenge to not give that anger any energy, and try to care for child parts anyway. First step is accepting they exist, which I seem to have to do over and over. Thanks

  4. Keeping you in my thoughts as you get ready for tomorrow’s interview. Something to consider, my son didn’t get a job because they felt he was over qualified and would get bored with the work and move on. Companies are weird, they want us to be willing to stay with them for ever but they want to drop you as soon as they don’t need you or to save a buck or two. To me your description of different states of being and allowing them to exist is amazing. Your are growing stronger to allow the young one to hang out and enjoy the movie. Hugs. To me trust comes and goes with my counselor. I remember he would get frustrated with me when I would go back to not trusting again. Cheering for you from my computer.

  5. Having to move from traumatized and vulnerable to adult and professional is incredibly hard. It’s a huge challenge for me and one of the reasons (among many) that I quit my full-time job. I’m not surprised you struggle with it, but I’m sorry.

    There are days when we just can’t get a lot done. I have more of them than I’d like to. It’s not ideal, but that’s how it goes sometimes. I don’t think we can travel a healing journey without being thrown off like this sometimes. I try hard not to judge myself too negatively for this, and I hope you will also be gentle and as non-judgmental as possible.

    Sending many, many good wishes, especially for some peace of mind and some restful sleep.

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