Anxious

Today I have a lot of anxiety. Having no work has now gotten old. I can really feel how important the social interaction at work is to me, as without that I have no one to say anything to on a day to day basis.

I wonder if other feelings are beneath all the anxiety?

I feel bad about how my last therapy session went, though I have nothing specific I feel I could write to Ron about it. I think I’ve removed myself a bit from being very emotional about Ron’s actions. I remember being so reactive and freaked out about many many things he said or did. I no longer care as much. I think because we’re no longer doing much parts work, so those younger parts emotions aren’t involved anymore like they were.

Last night I got really suspicious of Ron for some reason and googled him to, um, see if he’d been in the news? What on earth was I thinking. Anyway, it seems he’s removed his professional web page. He’s still listed in Psych Today and on another site, with a profile and picture, but his many paged site is no more. I’m wondering why.

His profile is extremely accurate. I’d read it before, but this time, I realized that he is saying exactly what he believes. He does not treat conditions and does not label. He looks for the feelings underlying any symptoms. His main approach is deep engaged conversation. He asks if the reader is experiencing disturbing emotions they don’t understand….If so, he wants to help. He doesn’t use techniques – he wants to listen.

And that is exactly his approach. You go there with your emotions, and he kind of witnesses and explores.

I’ve looked at the web pages again of two of the therapists I’ve found in previous searches. One of them I saw before, briefly. She doesn’t give an email – I’d have to call. She’s like the anti-Ron. She lists the conditions she treats, and lists her techniques. She’s a psychologist, and I can afford her because she works out of a centre that keeps prices a bit lower. But still higher than Ron’s rate. I liked her OK when I saw her about a decade ago, though I never became attached to her.

I keep thinking I need some skills and some analysis. I feel exhausted by the thought of going to Ron and having to come up with what feels like everything, including what I’m trying to do, and not knowing how the talking is supposed to help me.

But it could be I’d have trouble with any kind of therapy. Facing trauma is so destabilizing, I want to shy away.

I feel confused and anxious and unable to act.

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10 comments
  1. leb105 said:

    If you were a teacher, you’d be enjoying this free time… I wish you could – you certainly earned it! Do you have a routine, structure to your day?
    I think we both want MORE of what we already do well – think, analyze, and that’s where we look for answers – especially, from sources outside ourselves (books, theories, therapists). Feelings (and memories) are scary and turbulent and we can’t think when we are having strong feelings. Both of our therapists seem to avoid giving our heads more to do, hoping to support our emotions, internal life, desires and agency.

  2. DV said:

    It sounds so lonely for you.

    When I sought out other therapists in the last few years it was to have a more skills based approach and to have them coach me through learning and using those skills rather than just “teach” them. It was useful to some extent but it fell in a heap because doing that work in the face of trauma requires a huge degree of emotional support and they just weren’t set up to provide that (either in terms of their therapeutic approach and skills or their availability).

    • Ellen said:

      It is difficult to get everything in one person. And actual trauma therapists here seem fully booked up, at least 2/2 were. I am thinking of going the same route though – getting a more skills based approach, and then maybe going back to Ron to actually work through things. Ron does provide support, for sure. Especially if you’re displaying really intense emotions.

      Thanks DV. Less lonely with comments.

  3. Confused and anxious and unable to act. That is such a yucky way to feel.

    I hate feeling bad about how therapy went, but not having anything specific to write to Bea about. Could you email anyway and just say you are feeling bad and needing to connect? I don’t know if this is true for you, but when younger parts of me don’t get a chance to talk to Bea in therapy, things don’t feel as intense, but I end up with this general feeling of disconnection and sadness around the last session, of feeling bad and wanting to reach out, but not really having a reason to; so maybe it is your younger parts wanting a connection with Ron.

    I agree with you that dealing with trauma is very destabilizing, but I also think that working with a therapist who can give you skills to help cope with the destabilization can go a long way towards healing.

    Things sound so hard right now, and uncertain. Could you make an appointment with one of the other therapists and see if you feel like the skills they offer would be more in line with your current therapy goals?

    Sending support. You deserve to be happy and to feel better. Hang in there. Xx💟

    • Ellen said:

      Interesting about your experience with younger parts. I’m similar – if younger parts are involved in the session, I feel extremely intense and after can have really a bad therapy hangover. Otherwise, I feel more distant but also more adult and able to live my life.

      I am thinking today that I will try and get an appt with the psychologist I saw previously. Though I do have to phone her which will be hard.

      Thank you Alice

      • I know that making the phone call won’t be easy— I have serious phone anxiety— but I know you can do this. Xx

  4. Grainne said:

    That was such a clear and decisive description of how Ron acts in the therapy environment – I’m glad he’s as honest as he is. That counts for a lot. I see the issue there also….you are not looking to ‘explore underlying feelings’ and chat about the horrors by your other parts; I can see how that could leave you extremely unstable and confused by the end of the session. No wonder you’re so stressed after some therapy sessions! Like you’ve said many times, you drag up all the bad stuff and then go home and have to spend the rest of your day (week!) processing it all on your own.

    My therapist was a mix of both. She had methodical practice routines that involved healing traumas in me by both exploring/talking about them and applying therapeutic techniques to help me overcome them. She was compassionate and kind, interested in what I had to say (needed to say) and yet she was constantly searching for the way OUT of the stuff I carried with me. She helped me understand why I felt the ways I do and then helped me cope and deal with it all in my daily life.

    It’s hard to find a therapist who will be able to do both, I think, and I hate that Idea of black or white for you; compassion and understanding OR clinical process and forcing your way through until you’re better able to cope. The latter can be so hard and can nearly destroy you but, the former seems to just be a way of carrying on and on and on without an end goal in sight.

    I know you’ve talked to Ron about this and I doubt he’ll be able to change his entire therapy perspective to meet you half way so what do you do? Can you continue to see Ron for the comfort it brings to be heard on a monthly basis and then maybe try a more technique based therapy the other weeks? Maybe he would be open to working with another therapist whose modality is different than his to better help you? I don’t know the answer…..not a fun place to be though, I know. xox Hugs from me. Hang in there sister.

    • Ellen said:

      Glad you had a good T. I hope to figure something out soon. Thanks

  5. ellen i hope you can find something workable. anxious feelings are hard to cope with alone. if you feel its time to move on then maybe it is time. only you know that though. i hope you get somewhere with all this it seems like you’ve had a long struggle with it. xxx

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