Cooked dinner

Definitely depressed today, Sunday. I am exhausted by work, and then I end up resting and doing the basic chores, and don’t make the further effort of doing anything special. But when you always want to lie down, it’s tough to push for things.

I’m not sure what’s going on with me. Yesterday I cooked dinner for a friend. It was quite satisfying to be the one giving, instead of having someone cook for me. It was hard being social though, even just with her. She seems to be going through a rough time herself, and hinted at being down, but she doesn’t like to discuss her problems. At least, not the big ones. I know she is pining for a boyfriend and feels sad about her life as a single woman.

I am relieved I am not pining for a boyfriend. Yes, I would like one, but mostly, I don’t think about this. There’s no one specific anyway. And, I had more than my fill of a partner who was destructive and whom I wished gone for a long long time before I finally was able to leave.

She asked me about my therapy, just casually, and asked if it would ever be over? I said who knows…..It is one of my anxieties, that this therapy process is so open ended. On the other hand, if I don’t go, I’ll still have the same issues, just without a therapist. I’ll still be me. This friend doesn’t ‘believe’ in therapy, though she doesn’t go so far as to tell me not to go. She just doesn’t understand it.

Anyway. I did get my back balcony planted. It’s kind of artistic, if I do say so myself.

I should have gone to visit my son and didn’t. I don’t think I’m much good to him depressed like this.

My session last week was good. It didn’t seem a chore to go – I was eager to see Ron. We had a low-key, companionable type session. We talked about how I might get more people in my life. I’d been trying with an ACA group and with church, but have given those up for now. They took a lot of my limited energy and I didn’t end up with much social contact out of it. Ron wondered if those situations, because they focus on the person, make me even more self-conscious, and if an activity based group would be better.

I liked how Ron was trying to help me think of what concretely I could do. I’m kind of assuming that once in social situations more, I would make pals. I seem to be doing OK at work – I enjoy the cameraderie there that comes from just sitting together at a table. I feel like I’m having companionship even if we’re not best friends.

Activities might work, assuming there’s nothing terribly wrong with how I speak to people or how I’m being perceived. I kind of think there isn’t, really. That if I had people around, I would make friends.

This was all OK. Towards the end of the session, I brought up a visit to my family the previous weekend that had not gone well as usual. I tried to explain to Ron what had been bad. It’s hard to explain about my family. I don’t want to get into it here – this is likely the cause of my depression. I get the strong feeling they blame me for my son’s condition and for him living with my parents, which I know is very hard on them.

My family is such a unit. They all stick together, dancing the family dance, and I don’t fit, don’t want to fit, and get judged.

Anyway, if they’re so great, how did I end up in parts? That happens only in severely dysfunctional situations. They are not that great. They were a terrible family for me.

  1. At the end, about your family not being as great as they seem to believe, there is so much to that. On the one hand, it means it’s something that can’t really be fixed. They are like this. I think the grief can be very profound. I have really been reflecting on this lately–how our families are lifelong entities and not just childhood phenomena. Well after people presume they have achieved independence, they rely on their families for support that I will never have. It is a support so normal people don’t even see it. The dysfunction in your family is less florid and dramatic, but it is substantial. You have no support for being you whatsoever. Practical support yes, but not for your identity. It is so important.

    • Ellen said:

      It’s true, families are life-long entities. In both outer and inner worlds I think. I know I have internalized my family dynamics, and it’s just hard work to see it and to try and undo that. Thanks Ash.

    • Ellen said:

      I planted begonias and coleus, as well as a few plants I don’t know the names of. And some herbs – basil, parsley. Cheers

  2. “They all stick together dancing the family dance and I don’t fit, don’t want to fit and I get judged.” This just really hits home for me. You had no support, have no support in who you are. That is painful and lonely. I’m sorry. Xx

  3. Great insight on your part to recognize that your family was not good for you. Do you have a park and recreation in you area? Here, through the city for not much money, I can take classes with different interest. Sometimes friendships can come from a shared interest.
    You are right becoming in parts is not easy or in a functional situation. Cheering for you from my computer.

    • Ellen said:

      Yes, I’m in a major urban area, so that stuff is available. I don’t actually have the energy to do that while I’m working though, unfortunately. I’ll see. I do want to try some things now my contract is over. Thanks.

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