A bit of distance

As to a therapy update – I seem to be moving to going every second week. I’m saying ‘seem’ because I’m letting the session stand and then cancelling. I am giving a fair amount of notice though. It’s a prime evening slot so I don’t want to reserve it if I’m not going to go.

So I didn’t go in last week, but will most likely go in this week. The increased distance seems mostly good to me. I did have some hours of missing Ron on Thursday evening, but other than that, I’m good with it. Every session takes me some days to recover from, pretty much no matter what we discuss. I feel like I have more of a weekend when I don’t need it to recover. I’m also glad not to be mentally criticizing Ron all the time. That was just exhausting and useless. Maybe the continual negativity about therapy was me trying to tell myself I needed a break. It’s been interesting to just go with that part of me and take more distance.

I am mentally taken up by work. I still don’t have much energy for doing much besides working and then taking care of myself by doing chores and resting. It’s kind of the worst thing about whatever it is that’s wrong with me – I just don’t have the energy other people have to put into their lives. All of my energy still goes to survival.

It looks like my contract with work will expire at the end of the month after all. The company I work for had said that the remaining writers would be kept on through the summer but it doesn’t seem to be happening. And a client who is running the project emailed something to that effect, forgetting that she was copying two writers including me. So I’ve started looking. At least, I’ve posted my resume to various sites.

I am so low energy this morning. Going for a nap.

  1. That’s been my conclusion. I am pretty exhausted by normal life. I’ve started to realize that’s because managing my internal state is so difficult for me. It just takes a lot of effort. I don’t get more energy by doing more. There are things that energize me, but I really need time to recharge and depriving myself of that thinking I need to be more productive doesn’t improve anything. I think Country X was so helpful to me partly because there was just less to do. I was able to scale way back and give myself the time I needed.

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks – its helpful to know I’m not alone in this. It seems a bit of an unusual symptom in general. I see how Country X would help. Part of the painfulness of this is that i never have much to report to co-workers /friends about my weekend or hobbies in exchange for their stories about what they’ve been up to. I’m just busy feeling exhausted.

      • I think it’s not as unusual as it seems, but I think the people who feel this don’t acknowledge it–partly for the reasons you say. There isn’t much small-talk to exchange, and it feels alienating. I also think a lot of people cope by numbing with a lot of busy-ness and activity. I was reading about the John Henry phenomenon, where people with difficult backgrounds who are high achievers have really poor health outcomes. Anyway, I think it just results in this feeling that if we need to rest and are terrifically tired, we have failed. We ought to be able to get going again after a quick pick-me-up. It’s not so simple.

  2. I feel something of the same, where it feels as if I’m doing just enough to give the appearance of a successful life to outsiders, but it’s a pretty constricted existence. It’s very hard to break out of because each little step towards a an overall better life is fraught with anxiety, the rewards of changing aren’t enough in the short term to stay motivated and it always seem to result in major setbacks if things go wrong. I think a lot of it has to do with being part of a group which carries you along with it and both provides opportunities for good stuff and buffers the bad – if you’ve never been part of that or (in my case) if you’ve lost that, it is hard to break in, and hard to explain to other people who take it completely for granted.

    • Ellen said:

      I feel similar, except my life doesn’t look that great to outsiders. Still, I’m coping. I sometimes wish therapy could help me put together a better life or at least move in that direction. It really really doesn’t. I think part of the issue for my therapy is that Ron really can’t imagine someone like me. Therapy seems to focus on traumas and emotions, but I could do that the rest of my life, and my actual life would likely remain the same.

      What you say about the group carrying you along is interesting. I’ve never had that. However, at work at the moment, things have shaken out so that I’m interacting with colleagues a lot in a casual way, and it does carry you through your workday at least. Even that superficial type of connection helps me feel part of life.


  3. I hope the break gives you space to let something else in besides just therapy and recovering from therapy. I certainly know what that is like!

    Having low energy is so frustrating. I have spent most of this year that way, and it just fuels my tendency to berate myself for not getting enough done. Just keep reminding yourself that it’s s phase we go through sometimes, probably connected to depression, and it does not reflect on our core worth as human beings.

    • Ellen said:

      For me the low energy is not really a phase or a depression. I’ve never had much energy. For me it’s something to do with the way trauma is bound up in me. Or something. I do feel sad sometimes, but I wouldn’t say I have ‘Depression’.

      I like your suggestion – the low energy does not reflect our worthiness. Thank you.

  4. I hope the therapy break helps you regroup and get back on track maybe do some nice things just for you and your parts treat yourselves be kind to yourselves because you are important. hugs to you all!xxx

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