Life is OK

Life is going on OK. Work has been low stress the last couple of weeks. I feel as if I’ve established myself there as someone who gets the work done pretty well. However we did learn last week that the client will likely be cutting back on the amount of writers on this project, so I may be off looking for more work shortly. However, if not cut, the remaining writers would have several month’s more work.

This is not making me anxious as the thought of being cut for performance did. This is the nature of projects and contracts in general – the client can change their mind, and must only provide two weeks’ notice. I’d get a decent reference out of this though, so I’m better off than before I started the contract. I also learned quite a bit about how processes work.

I am enjoying not having job-related conflicts. No bad boss. I also enjoy my fellow writers for the most part. Now a very outgoing woman is sharing my cubicle (there’s room for two), so I’m no longer lonely at work. Sometimes I do feel overwhelmed by the amount of sharing she does, but in general, I like having someone talk to me, and that we can complain softly to each other about the twists and turns of the project.

I cancelled my therapy session last week. I felt somewhat melancholy at the time I would have had my session, but overall, I am very happy not to be triggered into anything. This means I have some energy to devote to my life. I am not feeling much pull to go back to therapy. I feel as if I am mentally consolidating some gains I have made. I can see more clearly now how my thought processes don’t serve me. I see how damaging my family was. It’s odd, because none of this is stuff Ron told me about. It’s just that having been supported through my emotions, I now have more internal space to see my situation.

I know from other blogs that therapists do teach, and demonstrate things like self-care, or mindfulness, or they teach about PTSD and how that affects the sufferer. My therapist didn’t do any of that. And yet he did help. I just never had anyone care about me in that consistent way before, ever. It made such a difference.

But now, I feel like it’s maybe enough. I don’t want to argue with him anymore about what is good for me in therapy. I am so reluctant to go to sessions. But I’m not angry, I’m grateful.

Perhaps a break of a few months would be helpful. Then I could go back, if it seems like it’s right. I want to try living as best I can, even though, yes, I still have parts, I still have low moods, I am still very fatigued a lot of the time. But without the stress of being triggered every week by therapy, maybe I could use that energy to get some things done with my life?

I’m thinking about this. I do have a session scheduled for next week at the moment. We’ll see.

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6 comments
  1. Hoping you find what works for you as far as whether you go back to therapy right away or not. Glad your enjoying work, bet that’s such a relief. xx

  2. leb105 said:

    Love this – I wonder if it’s true for me…
    “It’s odd, because none of this is stuff Ron told me about. It’s just that having been supported through my emotions, I now have more internal space to see my situation.”

    Don’t you think that if you were seriously intending to leave therapy – after many years, it would be better to talk it through with Ron? What does it mean that you consider just cancelling, with hardly a word to this person who has been so important to you? Even Clients have to give 2 weeks notice… What would you be avoiding?

    • Ellen said:

      I’d probably talk it through more with Ron. We have often discussed our differences though. The fact is, he will always believe that he can help me. It is just up to me to figure out whether his therapy is still helping or not. He would never under any circumstances that I can think of say you’re right, you need specialized trauma therapy. Who can blame him. He believes his therapy is the right one. Cheers.

  3. I know the whole issue of dissatisfaction with Ron’s therapy style and whether to continue with him or not is something that you’ve been thinking over for a long time. I can relate to the feeling that just having a therapist consistently there for you, even if they don’t “do” what you want or need in other respects, can give you enough support that you are able to explore things yourself outside therapy (but I can also empathise with the frustration of knowing that some therapists can and do help their clients with these things *in* therapy and thinking “why can’t mine do that?”).

    My perspective on taking a break from therapy with Ron is that would be helpful to consider what it might be like to come back afterward, what shift in the relationship this might bring. Would it change things at all, do you think, or would you just take up exactly where you left off? I’ve had a number of very different therapy breaks with Dr L: I left once because I had genuinely got all that I wanted out of therapy at that point, and only came back after many years, with new things to work through. I’ve also done the therapy equivalent of running away from home and then coming back because I forgot to pack any food or clothes and I’m hungry and cold, and although it wasn’t necessarily the best strategy, it did have the effect of strengthening that sense of him being a stable base to return to. Some of my breaks, though, especially the ones where I’ve seen a different therapist for a while, have changed the relationship in a more subtle way – hard to explain but more like what I’m going through with my daughter, where having her not living with me for several years has led to reflecting on our relationship and trying to reconnect in a new and different way. Still parent & child, but less grownup vs kid if you get what I mean.

    • Ellen said:

      Interesting. I am thinking of maybe going for a more trauma focused therapist, but with an option to return to Ron…Thanks

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