Life is going on OK. Work has been low stress the last couple of weeks. I feel as if I’ve established myself there as someone who gets the work done pretty well. However we did learn last week that the client will likely be cutting back on the amount of writers on this project, so I may be off looking for more work shortly. However, if not cut, the remaining writers would have several month’s more work.
This is not making me anxious as the thought of being cut for performance did. This is the nature of projects and contracts in general – the client can change their mind, and must only provide two weeks’ notice. I’d get a decent reference out of this though, so I’m better off than before I started the contract. I also learned quite a bit about how processes work.
I am enjoying not having job-related conflicts. No bad boss. I also enjoy my fellow writers for the most part. Now a very outgoing woman is sharing my cubicle (there’s room for two), so I’m no longer lonely at work. Sometimes I do feel overwhelmed by the amount of sharing she does, but in general, I like having someone talk to me, and that we can complain softly to each other about the twists and turns of the project.
I cancelled my therapy session last week. I felt somewhat melancholy at the time I would have had my session, but overall, I am very happy not to be triggered into anything. This means I have some energy to devote to my life. I am not feeling much pull to go back to therapy. I feel as if I am mentally consolidating some gains I have made. I can see more clearly now how my thought processes don’t serve me. I see how damaging my family was. It’s odd, because none of this is stuff Ron told me about. It’s just that having been supported through my emotions, I now have more internal space to see my situation.
I know from other blogs that therapists do teach, and demonstrate things like self-care, or mindfulness, or they teach about PTSD and how that affects the sufferer. My therapist didn’t do any of that. And yet he did help. I just never had anyone care about me in that consistent way before, ever. It made such a difference.
But now, I feel like it’s maybe enough. I don’t want to argue with him anymore about what is good for me in therapy. I am so reluctant to go to sessions. But I’m not angry, I’m grateful.
Perhaps a break of a few months would be helpful. Then I could go back, if it seems like it’s right. I want to try living as best I can, even though, yes, I still have parts, I still have low moods, I am still very fatigued a lot of the time. But without the stress of being triggered every week by therapy, maybe I could use that energy to get some things done with my life?
I’m thinking about this. I do have a session scheduled for next week at the moment. We’ll see.