Survival

My life lately has been all about work, surviving work, recovering from work. It’s a pressured situation and it’s really hard on me. Ron was on vacation last week, so there’s no therapy update.

I’m not sure what to say. My problem is how to calm down this PTSD body so I can have a life. In one of our sessions, Ron was saying I need to try and do whatever I can to have a life. Make decisions that support me having a life that I want.

I don’t know how to do that because I’m just. too. tired.

Another person was let go from my project at work. So I’m one of four survivors out of seven hired a month ago. Now they’ve actually ramped up the project and hired ten more writers, two of whom were also let go after four days.

I’m not quite making my targets, but hanging on nonetheless. My work is of decent quality, so I guess they’ve decided to keep me for now. But I’m constantly dreading being let go, and it tires me out. It would be OK if I was. It’s just a contract, and I wouldn’t be alone in being fired.

I am always looking for some way to come back into my body after work, so I can feel things besides fear, and so I can sleep. This kind of situation is not that that good for me. Though there are good parts – I do like a challenge. There are no severe people problems at work. The work is challenging enough that I am fairly engaged. I don’t have the problem of too much downtime and low expectations.

It’s just very cut-throat. It’s how I’d heard business was, but never experienced personally.

I went to my 12 step group, and after a few weeks of feeling more connected, once again felt alone and misunderstood. I don’t connect well to people in this anxious state. I shared about it, but maybe came across badly.  Some people I knew pretended they didn’t see me after the meeting and it hurt my feelings.

Anyway. I’m glad to be working and don’t feel I can quit at the moment. If I could just calm the f down.

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13 comments
  1. leb105 said:

    the expression ‘out of the frying pan, into the fire’ comes to mind… who knew that there were so many ways for jobs to be difficult? is this the norm for this place – or is this a temporary situation? it’s a contractor grinding machine?

    • Ellen said:

      Yeah. 😦 It’s a contractor grinding machine – a short term contract. It’s the way this contracting company operates – I won’t be working for them again. Cheers

  2. That’s a real tough spot to be in with work being stressful and then not making connections outside of work (the 12 step meeting). Is there anything fun you could plan for a weekend that you could look forward to?

  3. Some work settings just run on anxiety. Last week I visited my old workplace for the retirement of a former colleague. It was the first time I’d been there since I quit six months ago. After an hour, I was so happy to leave. I could feel the stress in the place. People work crazy hard and still feel they aren’t doing enough. I’m glad to be gone… though I’m still figuring out how to earn enough money without living that kind of life.

    • Ellen said:

      Some work setting just run on anxiety – that phrase stayed with me Q. It’s so true. It is hard to know how to deal. Thank you.

  4. be safe, i hope you can calm down soon! being all keyed up probably isnt good for you. xxx

  5. Be Courageous and Fearless said:

    That’s not cool that they pretend like they didn’t see you. They are probably just insecure. You need people who enjoy you and your presence. They are out there 😊

  6. This sounds very stressful; the job especially. I hope you don’t have to do that much longer. I hope you can find some connections soon. Hang in there!

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks, it’s become quite a bit better now. Hope you’re well DID

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