A post on work and on my therapy session. I’m on a bit of a high from work, kind of overlaying all the exhaustion. Because, ladies and gents, yours truly finished five procedures for the end of our two week ‘sprint’ (today). I didn’t think it was going to happen, but due to circumstances I was able to pull this off. An advantage of having a big challenge is that it does feel good when things come together and I meet the goal.
Work is still exhausting me very much. I suspect it’s the massive anxiety that I am dealing with throughout the day. I’m constantly worried I’m not going to measure up, that I’m falling behind (which I was), that people perhaps don’t like me and are avoiding me, etc. etc. This would wear anyone out.
Another bad thing happened, which is that the only other woman writer on the project was let go yesterday. So I wasn’t wrong that this organization is sizing us up and pretty much ruthless in getting rid of someone who they don’t feel is measuring up. She was dismissed after six days on the job. This included her working many unpaid hours at home trying to catch up and learn the project.
I was the only one on the team to express any dismay about this at all. I felt bad for her, I felt she was judged too fast, and I also feared for my own position on the project. At that point I was behind in documents delivered and had so many fears of not measuring up. Mixed in with anger at organizations who treat people unfairly and expect the impossible.
So that happened. I found it hard to believe the five men on the team had no response to this whatsoever. I know it’s politic to CYA….and I guess they might have been disturbed by this but wanted to show positivity to the bosses. My impression though was no one cared one bit. They didn’t identify with this woman, felt they in no way resembled her, and that what happened to her had nothing to do with them. An attitude I found disturbing.
I am lucky in the PM on this job. He’s a young guy and seems to have a cheerful optimistic temper. He has never been short with me, or even pushed me much, let alone yelled at me. He is all about ‘metrics’, which I find off putting but I realize that’s what PMs do. His job is to care about the quantity of work produced, not the quality.
Now my session. It’s been moved to Tuesday evenings, a day I’ve never yet been to sessions on previously.
Therapy was helpful. I’ll have to discuss later because I’m too tired to type further!