Cancelling

I’ve been considering cancelling my therapy session. I go back and forth on it. This week, I really feel therapy is not doing me any good. Do I want to go through the suffering the session seems to catapult me into, when I don’t see how it’s helping me?

I felt all this mistrust of Ron last session and voiced it close to the end of session. I was trying to follow what he was saying about anxiety, and I realized with another part of my mind, I was feeling like I was being tortured. Ron was kind of taken aback when I said that, though he did ask me to speak from that part of me. It was almost end of session at that point.

I quickly still told him about my moth dream, getting into a younger part at that point and becoming upset. So as it was end of session, I told Ron I needed to ground so I could leave. He tried to do a quick visualization of grounding through my legs. Which was fine. Just the sound of his voice really irritated me, so I asked him to stop.

So I left.

I was running into huge amounts of anxiety in the days after the session. I decided to trust Ron and sent him two emails about what I was going through. One of them, I asked him a question about something he’d said in session. He didn’t reply to either email, which really distressed me further. Maybe he does think we are not doing well, I am experiencing him as an enemy, and so why should he respond to me.

On the other hand, I don’t want to run when the going gets tough. Is the toughness to some purpose, or is it a sign I need to leave?

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7 comments
  1. Ashana M said:

    I wonder if that feeling of being suffocated is an indication of needing to set a boundary–maybe something about what he was saying about anxiety felt intrusive in some way. That feeling of suffocation would be something that happened in the past when your boundaries were being violated. It’s not so cataclysmic now, but a boundary is a boundary.

    • Ellen said:

      I wonder. Maybe it did feel as if he was going on about things in a way that didn’t resonate at all, just that feeling of him not really understanding, when I needed to express something else. I get endlessly confused when I try to think about it. Yes, the suffocating feeling comes up for me with any strong negative emotion. Thanks for your thoughts Ash

      • Ashana M said:

        Yes, it’s very confusing I find. It has seemed to me that although these feelings are from the past, they are being triggered by something in the present that I need to do something about, even if it’s just a small step. Take care.

  2. Hoping you can work it out with ron. Its hard when therapists get it wrong, it makes going to therapy so hard and difficult. xxx

  3. e.Nice said:

    This is so hard. To know what is ultimately going to be helpful and what is just continuing the trauma. I wish I had answers for you, but I think you just have to go with your gut. Heart and Head can get it wrong, but usually your gut knows what you need to do. course finding that is never simple.

    • Ellen said:

      I’ll try. Thanks enice

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