Notes on my session today rather than a well thought out post. I want to remember sessions better.
I have been unusually anxious all week. Just before this session, my job prospect called to say they want me on board for a contract. So kind of happy and relieved, and still very anxious. Plus it’s a little fly by night somehow – this is a small company, the HR guy was talking about my starting Monday, but I don’t yet have a contract on Friday afternoon….Monday won’t be happening. I’m hoping it all works out.
I went to session. It wasn’t great. Not anyone’s fault. I didn’t feel I got to what is causing my anxiety.
How are you. Fine.
I maybe got this job. Great.
Talk about interviews. Described my ‘date’. And the follow up emails. Thought maybe the anxiety was about job rejection stress and dating stress – too much for me.
Ron asks about moth dream (from tracking). I procrastinate telling him about it, because I know it’ll be painful.
I launch into how I shouldn’t think job interviews are that personal. My answers aren’t scoring points, it’s not based on personality. Give example of question I answered badly at one – on conflict. Ron says my answer seems reasonable to him. I go on about scoring for answers.
I ask Ron what he thinks causes anxiety – is it another feeling underneath? He’d said something like this previously. Gives explanation of anxiety which I immediately forget. I say to me, it seems like it’s feelings underneath. Ron says it can be – they’re linked. Or something.
I ask about tracking. Ron got it. I ask what he thinks happened, that I couldn’t cope after last session. He goes on for a while, basically saying it’s not clear. I say I think I got stuck in a part. He says in the tracking, it doesn’t seem like I stayed in one part. I say the tracking is misleading – if I’m in a part, I don’t necessarily track that, because it seems like me. When I write the name of a part, it’s more because I hear that part’s voice, which means I’m not switched into the part, it’s just close to the surface.
I say I guess the tracking isn’t that useful because I’m not telling you the overall context of the day. Ron says the more details I put in the better. OK – I’m never sure how much he wants to know. He says with some people, it’s more clear, that there’s a trigger, and then they react, but with me, it’s not clear what the triggers are.
Speaking about parts is painful. I feel bad – Ron asks if it’s shame. I say yeah, maybe. Having a parts problem isn’t like regular problems people have – it seems worse somehow. I tell him how I’m dancing in the mornings, and starting to feel the middle of my body, which I mostly can’t feel, but am allowing myself to feel dancing. Ron asks if it feels vulnerable and I say yes. I say it kind of feels like that now. This sounds like it’s maybe about sexual feelings, but it’s actually not – middle of my body is more my gut.
Ron speaks about something. I can’t remember, because for me, I’m holding back a Tsunami of emotion. I tell him that I know this is not about anything he’s doing, but I feel like I’m being tortured. I actually feel like I’m being held down and forced to do things. Or having things forced on me. And it feels like that what he’s doing, when he’s going on about things. Ron asks what that part needs, that feels tortured, but I don’t know. Maybe a voice, I say.
Saying this, I feel more grounded and less freaked out. This is my experience even if it’s not logical. I realize I’m also thinking here of the man who interviewed me for the job I’ve maybe got. Though he was in fact very nice to me, even saying he liked me a lot at the end. I mean, who does that? I tell Ron more about the interview, and how it’s odd I’d be thinking of this guy in relation to feelings of being tortured.
I realize there are only five minutes left, and I feel all this pressure. I haven’t told Ron about the moth dream but I want to. So I tell him, pulling out my notebook for more details. Of course, it is an upsetting dream, and I switch into a younger part explaining it. So then I’m emotional.
It’s about an infestation of moths, being in a house, choking, trying to get my mother to help, and she of course has better things to do and won’t come.
I tell Ron in an outraged way that of course my mother wouldn’t come, she wouldn’t help, she’d fail to see that there was any problem, she would look away and leave.
Then I tell him that’s why I think I have the anxiety – I’m trying to put the lid on a bunch of crap like this (I’m emotional from describing the dream.)
And it’s time to go. Ron tries to ground me, but the sound of his voice panics me, so I ask him to stop talking.
I wish him a good weekend and head out. Hard to get home with rush hour traffic not helping my anxious feelings one bit. Now I’m here and I haven’t collapsed so that’s something.