So Mr Coffee Date is not even going to respond to my email. What a change from when we hadn’t met yet, where he responded to every email right away. Personally, I think it’s rude not to say a polite no thanks, when someone has taken the trouble to meet with you and sends a follow up. At least I found out he’s a bit of a jerk right away. I suppose it’s a bonus that I’m not that attractive – men won’t deceive me by pretending when they just like how I look.
I feel better knowing he’s not interested, instead of wondering and trying to read the tea leaves. Trying to date will be painful for me. I don’t have social ease, men see me and think they have to try and be intellectual, and then are bored, I have parts that can cut in if I get anxious, which then makes me look like I’m kind of stupid. I need someone to see past all that to the greatness within! Without insulting me on my appearance, which has also happened to me.
At least I made an effort.
The anxiety has left. My method for conquering it was to play dead – I went to bed, I read a classic I already know very well, I dozed and stared out the window. And like magic, no more anxiety. Instead I feel calmly sad. I got nothing at all done today, though I did go for a walk. Job hunting activities made me more anxious, and I couldn’t bear more anxiety. Sometimes giving up is the way to go. I am appreciating being able to sit and write without all the fear I was experiencing today.
My session last week was one hundred percent more helpful than the last. We talked about how unhelpful I’d found therapy the week before, about how I wasn’t feeling trusting. Ron brought up the fact that I hadn’t sent him any tracking – I had decided to wait and see if he would bring it up, or just let it go by. I’m glad he brought it up, otherwise we’d be in denial land, where I no longer wish to live. I brought up that Ron seemed to be taking a bit personally what I’d said the week before about him not seeming caring to me. And that I’d left the session with a kind of pain in my gut that lasted for days.
Ron listened and did not seem to take anything at all personally this time.
However I did have a major therapy hangover this time, which took up the rest of Friday and all of Saturday and most of Sunday. Which did suck. If I’m going to do any socializing or see anyone at all, it tends to be on weekends, so if I can’t function for those days, it really affects my life.
Ron asked by email if I had thoughts on what part of the session caused me to collapse afterwards. I think it’s because I pretty much completely switched into B in the last part of the session. This was crying and upset B. I was trying to switch back out so I could leave and it was really difficult to do. So maybe it was that. One painful thing leading to another at home until I was completely flooded with sadness? And perhaps stuck in a young part, with my mind not working correctly.
Another topic that came up was my sister. My mother did greatly prefer my sister to me as a child. I’d had some dreams where there was some kind of theme that related to being ignored in favor of other people. It seemed to be about that. Maybe that was the trouble?
Hard to say. I don’t really understand why therapy affects me like this. Ron has said this doesn’t happen for his other clients. So it’s not something he’s trying to do, or thinks is especially positive. I’m not sure he thinks it’s entirely negative either, but to me it is. I do need therapy, but I don’t need to lose all those days either.
But, all in all, it seemed a better session. I felt cared about and connected. I felt Ron was hearing me on some things. For instance, at one point, I said I feel like I don’t want to answer that question, and he was ready to back off, as I’d asked him to. But then I went ahead and answered the question anyway – it actually didn’t feel like too much after all. I’d asked him to back off, weeks ago, if I said I didn’t want to discuss something, so it was nice to see that he was prepared to do that.
Unfortunately, I was not in good enough shape to record the session after, so I’ve forgotten most of it. I do remember the dreams, speaking about sibling favoritism, discussing the previous bad session…. That’ll have to do. It’s good enough for now.