I’ve been feeling as if I were kicked in the stomach since my session. It feels so very physical, yet when I press down around my gut, nothing is actually sore. It’s like a shocked feeling – what you might feel around the pain, without the actual pain.

I haven’t written to Ron about it, and I don’t think I’ll send the daily tracking to him either, this week. Sending reports on how you feel is for someone you trust and feel close to, and I am lacking that this week.

We really didn’t discuss anything very unusual yesterday and I am not sure what triggered the pain. We spoke about looking for work. We did have two small conflicts, but nothing major really. I had the overall impression he thinks I’m avoiding important things, and I did not know what it is I am avoiding. That endless mostly unspoken difference of opinion on what is going to help me. Then there was the very strong and unusual sense I had at end of session that he was angry, or at least very stressed, and wanted me to leave as quickly as possible.

It reminds me somewhat of all the bad relationships I have known. Including to be honest my father. And I feel like a rebellious client, who won’t conform, and at the same time is completely devastated at the lack of approval and connection that results.

I am containing the pain and trying to get a few tasks done despite a portion of my body being in all this pain. At least I am up and have done the dishes. I am glad I’m not spending the day in bed, even if I did get up late. I won’t try and see my son because I need my emotional resources somewhat intact if we are to have a decent time together.

I suspect my difficulties with severe therapy hangovers, even when nothing huge seems to be discussed, is a difficulty I have with Ron and the way we relate. I didn’t think this for a long time, but I suspect that has something to do with it. The feeling of trying to work through vulnerable stuff while not trusting that I’m being cared about. It would be worth discussing but this doesn’t seem to be Ron’s area at all.

A dark day politically. I’m on a media diet for today – I don’t need to see the spectacle of a malignant narcissist ascending to power in my neighbour country. I just don’t want to know anymore about this than absolutely necessary. Must look out for some hopefulness somewhere instead.

  1. I’m on a media diet too. And it is impossible for how you feel or the fact you’re avoiding things to make you a bad client. It is supposed to be a safe space for all your feelings. Not just some of them. Xx

    • Ellen said:

      Thank you for the kind reminder PD. xox

  2. I’m staying clear of the media as well, while also planning to push myself (in terms of energy) for the Women’s March tomorrow. I can’t miss the opportunity to add another body to the thousands who will be opposing our (gag) new president.

    I agree with PD. Therapy is supposed to be about you, your issues, what matters to you. Seems like the job search would be something that matters! Also, maybe you would deal with whatever the hell it is Ron thinks you should deal with if you feel completely safe and accepted. It drives me crazy that he imposes and pushes what he thinks you need and values that over what you say you need. That feels so invalidating.

    • Ellen said:

      Hope you made it to the march Q. I didn’t, but I did stream the Washington march and was inspired.

      The situation with Ron is complex. Reading over my post, I know that most of what I’m saying is my interpretation. I did have a negative experience and reaction, but I’m really not at all sure what it is that sets me off.

      Thanks for your support.

  3. It took a while to get to this. I really feel for you our inner chikd lives in our gut and Im suspecting you felt abandoned on some level thus the pain. But you got up and functioned. Yayee!

    I think you are slowly working old feelings out. I hope Ron opens enough to discuss how you are being impacted in the next session, if he diesnt meet you there that may provide further clarity.

    • Ellen said:

      Maybe I did feel abandoned. Actually, come to think of it, I discussed just this in session. I’d forgotten. I said that sitting across from Ron, I was seeing a kind of picture of him leaving – going away somewhere. He isn’t going anywhere that I know of. Interesting.

      I hope it is old feelings working their way out, and that I can discuss with Ron. Thanks!

      • Me too. Imprints are very powerful things. We can and do project the past on today. Gaining an awareness of this may be the first step to changing the pattern.

  4. Ashana M said:

    I think this is good. It feels safe enough to feel. Even if you don’t know what that feeling is linked to, having it allows you to integrate it. Good work.

    • Ellen said:

      Your view of this is encouraging, thanks Ash. It bothers me that I don’t know what the feeling is or was caused by, but it is me feeling something, which beats blankness and numbness.

      • Ashana M said:

        For me, eventually it has become clear what the feeling is. It took a long time sometimes, maybe partly because I didn’t expect it to be about so many physical sensations but also they aren’t really typical feelings. They are more complex and they are often about neglect.

        • Ellen said:

          Yes, for me also, they are more like physical sensations that feel bad. I have to hunt for the feelings separately.

          • Ashana M said:

            I think the physical sensations in my body just never got linked to events where they happened and I grew up in a family where everyone had learned not to feel emotions in their bodies in the normal way, so I didn’t know I was even supposed to.

  5. its hard when you feel physical sensations after therapy, like body memories. I get that too sometimes, even during my sessions. i’d say talk to ron about it, but you say he’s not really up for talking unless you specifically bring something up. I do think it would be worth telling him how you feel though…that you felt he was stressed or angry at the end of the last session. xxx

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