Argh. Chocolate and almonds for dinner. I have leftovers I could warm up for more nourishment, and I’m too down to do it. Too down to warm up leftovers. Seems pathetic.
I had another interview today for a short contract. I’d bought a new suit. I wore the necklace. I still feel all that inadequacy these new duds were supposed to ease.
I keep getting blindsided by intense emotions that interfere with these interviews. And it’s different every time. The one before Christmas, I was so sad I couldn’t really hide it. I knew I was putting out a really strange vibe, and despite initially being a shoe in for the contract, she went on to interview others and hire someone else. That sadness seemed to be triggered out by an acupuncture session I’d had the day before. I had not been expecting that reaction at all – I’d been hoping for calmness and balance.
This time, I don’t know what the cause was, though I feel like blaming my working out yesterday. I added another minute to my elliptical routine, and this seemed to wind me up so I couldn’t sleep properly and went right back to trauma sleep.
Today I didn’t feel depressed, but was anxious and uneasy. I did all kinds of things to calm down – dancing, breathing with bells, visualizing the interview going well. I got there, kind of in the nick of time, and found myself horribly anxious. Two young women interviewed, with another on the phone. This time, I was kind of too loud and speaking fast without thinking. Kind of like a know it all. Which isn’t really my personality. I didn’t establish rapport, which you have to do in interviews. When it comes down to it, if they like you, they hire you.
I actually don’t have a strong sense that they will not hire me. Or that they will. But I do wish I could be one personality at these things, instead of being hit with a whole new way of reacting each time. It feels insane. I can’t really plan any mitigation when it’s always a new problem.
Then I came home and fell asleep, so since then, I’ve had to try and struggle out of the blackness and confusion of one of these trauma naps.
As part of all this, I’ve started doubting my therapy and Ron’s competence again. All week, I’d felt that we do have a connection and that therapy is working. Maybe it’s related to my general uncertainty, but that’s gone, and I really miss it. It does seem I’m still in that place where emotional states seem to come out of nowhere and make my life extremely difficult.