Argh. Chocolate and almonds for dinner. I have leftovers I could warm up for more nourishment, and I’m too down to do it. Too down to warm up leftovers. Seems pathetic.

I had another interview today for a short contract. I’d bought a new suit. I wore the necklace. I still feel all that inadequacy these new duds were supposed to ease.

I keep getting blindsided by intense emotions that interfere with these interviews. And it’s different every time. The one before Christmas, I was so sad I couldn’t really hide it. I knew I was putting out a really strange vibe, and despite initially being a shoe in for the contract, she went on to interview others and hire someone else. That sadness seemed to be triggered out by an acupuncture session I’d had the day before. I had not been expecting that reaction at all – I’d been hoping for calmness and balance.

This time, I don’t know what the cause was, though I feel like blaming my working out yesterday. I added another minute to my elliptical routine, and this seemed to wind me up so I couldn’t sleep properly and went right back to trauma sleep.

Today I didn’t feel depressed, but was anxious and uneasy. I did all kinds of things to calm down – dancing, breathing with bells, visualizing the interview going well. I got there, kind of in the nick of time, and found myself horribly anxious. Two young women interviewed, with another on the phone. This time, I was kind of too loud and speaking fast without thinking. Kind of like a know it all. Which isn’t really my personality. I didn’t establish rapport, which you have to do in interviews. When it comes down to it, if they like you, they hire you.

I actually don’t have a strong sense that they will not hire me. Or that they will. But I do wish I could be one personality at these things, instead of being hit with a whole new way of reacting each time. It feels insane. I can’t really plan any mitigation when it’s always a new problem.

Then I came home and fell asleep, so since then, I’ve had to try and struggle out of the blackness and confusion of one of these trauma naps.

As part of all this, I’ve started doubting my therapy and Ron’s competence again. All week, I’d felt that we do have a connection and that therapy is working. Maybe it’s related to my general uncertainty, but that’s gone, and I really miss it. It does seem I’m still in that place where emotional states seem to come out of nowhere and make my life extremely difficult.

  1. I hope you get the job. I’m sure it will be a big relief when you are settled somewhere again, and hopefully it will be nicer than your last workplace.

    • Ellen said:

      Most things would be an improvement on my last workplace. Doesn’t look like I got it though. Thanks

  2. Rachel said:

    Chocolate and almond dinners, such a clear picture to me of that place, I know that place. It is my cereal for dinner place. Where even nuking a meal is just too much.
    I really relate to what you write about the changing, baffling moods. It feels bizarre to act one way and receive a response to later realize it was a different part that you now have consequences from. I’m hearing the struggle and it matters. I hope you have a better day today, Ellen.

    • Ellen said:

      This comment really hit home in terms of empathy – thank you Rachel. The changing moods are baffling and in my case are having unfortunate consequences, as I need to find work.

  3. Ashana M said:

    You are doing well. I usually go to bed at 6 pm with no dinner at all when I am in that place.

    Keep at it. This is really hard stuff you are doing right now.

  4. Last week I had an initial conversation with someone about a job in Denver. Over the weekend, I decided the job wouldn’t be a good fit, plus I am not interested in moving to a new city, but the thing that is most sticking with me is that I don’t feel I was my real self during that first phone conversation. I’ve been so low lately, and I was trying to rouse myself for the conversation, but I felt slow and boring and unable to represent myself as a professional. It’s weird as well as discouraging because I know I have a lot of skills, but maybe because I quit my job and haven’t been working, it seems like they are in a box somewhere that I should unpack, but I forgot where I put the box.

    I have no doubt that you, and I, will be able to find our boxes with our professional selves. It just might now be there within easy reach. I wonder what will help? Maybe talking with someone else about work things ahead of time, so that we are more warmed up to it? I’m lucky I wasn’t really interested in that Denver job, but what if I had been? I have got to be able to find that part of me.

    Please don’t be hard on yourself, not about the interviews, not about the chocolate and almonds for dinner. I have definitely eaten tortilla chips straight from the bag for dinner before. The sun will rise again, and we’l have new opportunities to make meals. Sometimes we need things to be easy.

    • Ellen said:

      That is close to what i felt also Q – being out of the workforce, it’s hard to find that professional self. I did think that if I had someone to talk to beforehand even just to calm down, it would be helpful, but I don’t really have such a person. Maybe I could try and line up a friend though.

      Hope you find something suitable as you need it also.

      Thanks for sharing.

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