I spoke too soon in my last post. This is the thing with dissociation – I have trouble knowing what I’m feeling. I continued to feel better about Ron and our relationship. But the pain I had gotten into at the end of the session came back with a vengeance the next day. I got up for breakfast, felt so bad I couldn’t manage to make any, and went straight back to bed.
I suppose the exercise Saturday temporarily blocked the pain.
I don’t really know what it is. It’s not depression – it’s not a grey lifeless fog – it’s more like emotional pain – as if something has happened to me that’s really bad, but unfortunately, I can’t remember what it is.
Maybe it’s some kind of early childhood memory. Just the edge of something really bad happening. I have a sense of my mother rejecting me and shutting me down, presumably when I went to her with whatever it was that had happened to me.
Spent a lot of yesterday in bed, unable to deal. But did go out to see some friends later in the day. I almost cancelled, then went afterall. And I could separate from the pain. I had a self I could use to interact. Which was helpful, as I got a bit of companionship. Even if I’d wanted to talk about what I was going through, really, what could I have said? Some vague sliver of memory from therapy? Painful feelings? My friend would not have understood, and I didn’t have the slightest urge to tell her about it. I was just relieved I could function socially.
I am committed though to not shutting myself down if I can help it. That pain is still here, three days later. I don’t really know how to take care of it, but I acknowledge that it’s here. I try to be kind to myself.
Today I also bought a suit. Basically the first one I tried on. I knew I didn’t have the energy to shop around, and this one seemed good enough. I feel I need to look better for interviews. Black wool, single button blazer. Then wanted to buy a necklace to go with – just a business type necklace. I might return the one I got – is it junky? I don’t think it’s me. So now I’m hung up on this stupid necklace.
I’m getting worried about finances and I’ve spent a lot today. All in service of drumming up business though. I’m not cut out for having no money. I’d rather make it than endlessly scrimp and save.