I spoke too soon in my last post. This is the thing with dissociation – I have trouble knowing what I’m feeling. I continued to feel better about Ron and our relationship. But the pain I had gotten into at the end of the session came back with a vengeance the next day. I got up for breakfast, felt so bad I couldn’t manage to make any, and went  straight back to bed.

I suppose the exercise Saturday temporarily blocked the pain.

I don’t really know what it is. It’s not depression – it’s not a grey lifeless fog – it’s more like emotional pain – as if something has happened to me that’s really bad, but unfortunately, I can’t remember what it is.

Maybe it’s some kind of early childhood memory. Just the edge of something really bad happening. I have a sense of my mother rejecting me and shutting me down, presumably when I went to her with whatever it was that had happened to me.

Spent a lot of yesterday in bed, unable to deal. But did go out to see some friends later in the day. I almost cancelled, then went afterall. And I could separate from the pain. I had a self I could use to interact. Which was helpful, as I got a bit of companionship. Even if I’d wanted to talk about what I was going through, really, what could I have said? Some vague sliver of memory from therapy? Painful feelings? My friend would not have understood, and I didn’t have the slightest urge to tell her about it. I was just relieved I could function socially.

I am committed though to not shutting myself down if I can help it. That pain is still here, three days later. I don’t really know how to take care of it, but I acknowledge that it’s here. I try to be kind to myself.

Today I also bought a suit. Basically the first one I tried on. I knew I didn’t have the energy to shop around, and this one seemed good enough. I feel I need to look better for interviews. Black wool, single button blazer. Then wanted to buy a necklace to go with – just a business type necklace. I might return the one I got – is it junky? I don’t think it’s me. So now I’m hung up on this stupid necklace.

I’m getting worried about finances and I’ve spent a lot today. All in service of drumming up business though. I’m not cut out for having no money. I’d rather make it than endlessly scrimp and save.

  1. You seem to be doing so well Ellen even if the pain is there you are managing and being there for you. I can fully understand the fear over finances not working. Keep championing yourself its so important. Lots of love Deborah

  2. Ashana M said:

    I suspect your mother rejected you and shut you down about nearly everything. All of B’s chatter–I can’t imagine your mother responding well to that, but it also seems like you were meant to be this lively, personable child. It would have been hard to find points of connection with her, because the range of what she finds “safe” is so very limited.

    Take care. It seems like progress.

    • Ellen said:

      I wonder if that’s true, that I was meant to be a lively and personable child. I’d like to think so. Kind of a new thought. This is such a strong part which isn’t really part of my main personality. It’s true about my mother – she shuts pretty much everything down, positive or negative.

      thanks for your thoughts Ash.

  3. I hope the pain lessens soon ellen. Its good your being kind to yourself. I also hope a new job turns up soon. Having little or no money would really suck. xxx

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