I am going to keep expressing. Though I have no conclusions, and I’m just as confused as ever. I’m still not better, though at least my mind is back online. I have gone almost nowhere, except to coffee shops and stores for food. I have spoken with no one since last Thursday except very briefly to a friend, and didn’t mention going through stuff. I have avoided all the things I’ve tried to build into my life to give me an illusion of having people to see – no 12 step group, no church, no monthly discussion group, no walk with a friend, and tonight again no 12 step group. So, I have spoken with no one about what is happening for me.
The feeling of needing to avoid people is very intense. At the start of the day, I plan on doing these small activities, and when the time comes to leave, I do not go. It feels like zero motivation. You might not realize it, but to even just show up somewhere requires a small amount of hope. Somewhere in your mind, you need the tiny feeling that something good might happen at this event, or that you can get something out of that. I’m completely missing that tiny feeling. How can you go to something when you just see a grey wasteland? How are you going to connect with anyone across all that grey deadness?
I still feel as if something shocking has happened to me. My insides feel kind of jolted, and I have a shocked feeling. Also, I want to lie down an awful lot. I read to try and distract from the sadness and loss.
I’m thinking about medication. For me, they don’t work very well, but they do work a bit for the first few months. That is, you wait three weeks, feel pretty sick, and then they kick in and you feel a bit calmer. For me, I stay slightly nauseous also. But the feeling is better than this. It’s not really a good option though. I know they don’t really change anything. Then they stop working, and you keep taking them, just in case they might be helping. They’re this crappy trap.
I think about the crisis line. Should I call? Am I bad enough?
I’ve written Ron a few emails. He has replied very briefly, but never in a way that made me feel he gets what I’m talking about. I wrote him an allegorical type story too. It was kind of fun to write, but also kind of scary, because it alludes to things I don’t like to think about. He replied that it was powerful, and then said a bit of stuff that basically showed he didn’t get what I was saying.
I just want to go back to how I was feeling last week before therapy. I was coping. Now I can no longer cope. For instance. The front window of my apartment doesn’t close completely. This is fine in the summer. But now, it’s really cold. So I need to call my landlady to fix it. I can’t call her as I’m afraid of the phone. So I’m wearing three sweaters and a hat in my living room. So stupid. I am a grown-up and I need to deal. I can’t believe I can’t do this.
I truly don’t know what happened to cause me to go downhill like this. Maybe it was just too much bad stuff all at once. I seem to be having a problem of feeling things as we discuss them in session. I just don’t realize how bad I feel until I get home. I do remember feeling this huge warning go off internally in my session, when I asked Ron to stop speaking about my family. He thought that was me just resisting. But maybe that was the signal that things were so bad as to be unmanageable at that point.
I don’t get why I’m like this. Clearly a lot of people feel pain from their therapy, but I think I am kind of on the extreme end of that. Being disabled like this from therapy seems kind of inexplicable.
I have a session tomorrow morning, so wish me luck. Ron is unexpectedly taking next week off, something he didn’t inform me about until I asked for a session next week. I guess he was going to tell me the session before. He’s usually better than this and does give notice of his holidays.
I don’t know if this will be my last session with him. I don’t want to throw myself further into a crisis by threatening inner parts that we won’t keep seeing him, so I’m being careful. I do know if I tell him I need support and that’s all right now, he will go along with that. I did not get him a token gift this year. I don’t feel like giving him anything.