Still confused

I am going to keep expressing. Though I have no conclusions, and I’m just as confused as ever. I’m still not better, though at least my mind is back online. I have gone almost nowhere, except to coffee shops and stores for food. I have spoken with no one since last Thursday except very briefly to a friend, and didn’t mention going through stuff. I have avoided all the things I’ve tried to build into my life to give me an illusion of having people to see – no 12 step group, no church, no monthly discussion group, no walk with a friend, and tonight again no 12 step group. So, I have spoken with no one about what is happening for me.

The feeling of needing to avoid people is very intense. At the start of the day, I plan on doing these small activities, and when the time comes to leave, I do not go. It feels like zero motivation. You might not realize it, but to even just show up somewhere requires a small amount of hope. Somewhere in your mind, you need the tiny feeling that something good might happen at this event, or that you can get something out of that. I’m completely missing that tiny feeling. How can you go to something when you just see a grey wasteland? How are you going to connect with anyone across all that grey deadness?

I still feel as if something shocking has happened to me. My insides feel kind of jolted, and I have a shocked feeling. Also, I want to lie down an awful lot. I read to try and distract from the sadness and loss.

I’m thinking about medication. For me, they don’t work very well, but they do work a bit for the first few months. That is, you wait three weeks, feel pretty sick, and then they kick in and you feel a bit calmer. For me, I stay slightly nauseous also. But the feeling is better than this. It’s not really a good option though. I know they don’t really change anything. Then they stop working, and you keep taking them, just in case they might be helping. They’re this crappy trap.

I think about the crisis line. Should I call? Am I bad enough?

I’ve written Ron a few emails. He has replied very briefly, but never in a way that made me feel he gets what I’m talking about. I wrote him an allegorical type story too. It was kind of fun to write, but also kind of scary, because it alludes to things I don’t like to think about. He replied that it was powerful, and then said a bit of stuff that basically showed he didn’t get what I was saying.

I just want to go back to how I was feeling last week before therapy. I was coping. Now I can no longer cope. For instance. The front window of my apartment doesn’t close completely. This is fine in the summer. But now, it’s really cold. So I need to call my landlady to fix it. I can’t call her as I’m afraid of the phone. So I’m wearing three sweaters and a hat in my living room. So stupid. I am a grown-up and I need to deal. I can’t believe I can’t do this.

I truly don’t know what happened to cause me to go downhill like this. Maybe it was just too much bad stuff all at once. I seem to be having a problem of feeling things as we discuss them in session. I just don’t realize how bad I feel until I get home. I do remember feeling this huge warning go off internally in my session, when I asked Ron to stop speaking about my family. He thought that was me just resisting. But maybe that was the signal that things were so bad as to be unmanageable at that point.

I don’t get why I’m like this. Clearly a lot of people feel pain from their therapy, but I think I am kind of on the extreme end of that. Being disabled like this from therapy seems kind of inexplicable.

I have a session tomorrow morning, so wish me luck. Ron is unexpectedly taking next week off, something he didn’t inform me about until I asked for a session next week. I guess he was going to tell me the session before. He’s usually better than this and does give notice of his holidays.

I don’t know if this will be my last session with him. I don’t want to throw myself further into a crisis by threatening inner parts that we won’t keep seeing him, so I’m being careful. I do know if I tell him I need support and that’s all right now, he will go along with that. I did not get him a token gift this year. I don’t feel like giving him anything.

    • Ellen said:

      I’ve read his book, and thanks for the reminder. I think it is an emotional flashback. Triggered by therapy.

      Do you think emotional flashback is different from being triggered? Just wondering. Thanks AG

      • I think emotional flashbacks can be triggered by something (including therapy). Sometimes the feeling can seemingly come out of nowhere. Possibly the time of day, month or year. Possibly a smell or touch. Could be a person or thing. We are complex. The more we are able to be curious about the feeling the better able we will be to move through it. We all tend to be judgmental and hard on ourselves. It’s incredibly difficult to sit with uncomfortable emotions without judging them as awful. So I didn’t really answer your question. Maybe it’s a matter of semantics but it seems emotional flashbacks are a bit different than simply being triggered. I found a sort of kind of interesting site you might like to read (she has videos too but I didn’t watch)
        I still wish you lived closer and I would so love to go to yoga together. I have you pictured in my mind and think you are very wonderful 💜💜

  1. e.Nice said:

    I have heard that healing takes pain, especially if you haven’t been allowed to feel the pain, and grief, and loss. But it should come only as much as you can handle, and you should have good coping skills to keep yourself well while going through the painful healing. At least that is how it “should” work?

    And to answer your question. Yes. You can call the crisis line. (I feel like a hypocrite). Take care of yourself Ellen. Please.

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks Nice. Yes, I agree about healing being painful. I suspect I need some kind of skills to pull me out of the shut down I get into. I didn’t call the crisis line – I just don’t do that, as I think you can relate to. I’m better now.

      • e.Nice said:

        I am glad you are feeling better. Maybe try calling when you aren’t in as big of a crisis so that the next time you are in crisis you will feel more able to reach out? That has sort of worked for me… sometimes.

        • Ellen said:

          Maybe. I don’t know. It’s not the sort of call in a crisis kind of relationship really. Thanks nice.

  2. Sometimes the smallest things can completely smack you down in therapy or in life and leave you wondering what on earth just happened because the reaction seems so out of proportion. Maybe when you are feeling better it might seem more obvious what is behind it, but right now all that is important is being kind to yourself and getting through. I would tell Ron that you just want support for now – everything else including a decision about whether to quit or not can wait. I’m glad you still feel able to reach out here. Stay safe. xx

    • Ellen said:

      Thank you DV. Do you also feel blindsided by things that seem to be innocuous basically? It’s like living in this bizarre world where things don’t make sense, for me. I did have a more useful session last time.

      • Yes, it’s a big problem for me as well. Over the last few months I’ve been learning to recognise what has triggered the reaction each time, but in some ways that makes me feel more pathetic because it’s such trivial things, plus I often don’t realise how much I am overreacting until after I’ve started to feel better. It is very confusing and very isolating, I feel too embarrassed to admit what is happening to my “normal” friends. It is quite hard to hold onto a sense of hope that things will improve.

  3. I agree with the first commenter you may be age regressing to feeling like a very young child even a baby…ive been through all that exactly, only being able to lie down but even that hurts..feels like a wasteland no end to a pain others will never understand…its SO painful…is there someone you could ask to call you or support you…just one little connection may help but I also understand that inability to do so…sending you love.

    • Ellen said:

      Thank you EFDN. That is what it’s like, and regression might be an explanation. I really have no one to reach out to when I’m this bad, because I can’t really have a social conversation. But I did recover and am better now.

  4. I am feeling your sadness and alone-ness and vulnerability. I hope you feel free to call the hotline. This is the perfect time to call.

    • Ellen said:

      Thank you Cherished. I didn’t call, but got through in my own way in the end.

  5. Its ok to reach out. Its ok to be vulnerable. don’t be scared, you are strong. call that crisis line. they will help you. it sucks to feel alone. I get it. xxx

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