I still cannot get it together. I don’t remember ever having this bad of a reaction to a therapy session for years. I think the last time was when I was trying to do group – I do remember the aftermath of those groups was terrible for me.
I feel weepy and I’m kind of shaking. Maybe part of it is trying to now distance myself from Ron. I’ve cancelled for this week only, but am thinking of cancelling for the rest of the month anyway. Parts of me are so deeply attached to him, is the problem. At the moment, I’m about evenly balanced between needing to stay away from Ron because of the damage I feel he’s doing to me, versus the hope that if I go in to see him, we can repair this, and I will feel better. Although I know from experience the arguing with him actually makes me feel worse. He never seems to see his part in anything, and this being therapy, it becomes all about my issues, my inability to accept and hear what he is telling me.
And yet. He is kind. He is undoubtedly sincere and undoubtedly trying to help me. He has helped me. I am now in a better place than I was before I saw him, usually anyway, this week excepted. I understand more about people. Before this therapy, I never had even the concepts of attachment or abandonment. I really had no idea about this. I was living with attachment problems/avoidance, and was abandoned and abandoning, but I didn’t know about it. That’s huge.
Reminds me of how I didn’t have a concept of anxiety before my forties. That doesn’t mean I didn’t feel it. My whole life was dictated by anxiety, but as I didn’t really know what it was or how it manifests, I was ignorant of this. Anxiety is more than just feelings of fear and unease. Anxiety is the wish not to do something, the blankness, the fatigue. Anxiety is cutting off conversations, not going there, trying to stay so safe there is almost no life happening whatsoever.
I understand more about depression. How it’s a big grey blanket thrown over bad stuff and unacceptable feelings. How it can feel better than the actual feelings underneath it. How hard it can be to allow those feelings, how exhausting, how depression just seems easier – almost a choice. Not quite, not always, but for me, it sometimes is.
I’ve applied to one job today, which is all I ask of myself in the jobs department. No special effort, just clicked apply and attached a resume. It’s a job I’ve actually done over a decade before. But I need work. If I’m back where I was a decade ago, well, maybe this time I’ll do it better. Who knows.
My other two goals are laundry, and get to the gym. The gym will make me feel a bit better, hopefully. I don’t feel up to interacting with anyone yet – I’ve been alone since my session last week, talking to no one except to say hello to a cashier. I don’t care much. I haven’t been able to organize myself to have normal conversations. Hopefully by tomorrow I’ll be able to do that, because this is getting old.
Oh, and I have been looking at therapist profiles. I wouldn’t get a new one right away I don’t think, but I need to look. The usual confusion. How do I tell who would be good. Trauma therapists seem to be all female. I’ve been to a lot of female therapists, ones who say they’re good at trauma, and formed very little connection with them. But maybe this time. But how do I tell?
First, the ones with really good websites that explain trauma in a way that makes sense. I’ve contacted three of these therapists in the past, and they were not accepting new clients. There is one more, and one who lives a fair ways away. The first one only works in business hours and is expensive, so not sure I could afford or make appointments during the day. She does seem very qualified though. Then there are body focused therapists – they also teach yoga, they focus on mindfulness, they seem like earth mother types. I don’t know. Maybe? There are a lot with the same type of training and approach as Ron, which seems like it’s going to be unhelpful for the same reasons he is.
OK, writing that felt awful. I know a large part of me doesn’t want anyone else, wants Ron, just a better version of him.