Still

I still cannot get it together. I don’t remember ever having this bad of a reaction to a therapy session for years. I think the last time was when I was trying to do group – I do remember the aftermath of those groups was terrible for me.

I feel weepy and I’m kind of shaking. Maybe part of it is trying to now distance myself from Ron. I’ve cancelled for this week only, but am thinking of cancelling for the rest of the month anyway. Parts of me are so deeply attached to him, is the problem. At the moment, I’m about evenly balanced between needing to stay away from Ron because of the damage I feel he’s doing to me, versus the hope that if I go in to see him, we can repair this, and I will feel better. Although I know from experience the arguing with him actually makes me feel worse. He never seems to see his part in anything, and this being therapy, it becomes all about my issues, my inability to accept and hear what he is telling me.

And yet. He is kind. He is undoubtedly sincere and undoubtedly trying to help me. He has helped me. I am now in a better place than I was before I saw him, usually anyway, this week excepted. I understand more about people. Before this therapy, I never had even the concepts of attachment or abandonment. I really had no idea about this. I was living with attachment problems/avoidance, and was abandoned and abandoning, but I didn’t know about it. That’s huge.

Reminds me of how I didn’t have a concept of anxiety before my forties. That doesn’t mean I didn’t feel it. My whole life was dictated by anxiety, but as I didn’t really know what it was or how it manifests, I was ignorant of this. Anxiety is more than just feelings of fear and unease. Anxiety is the wish not to do something, the blankness, the fatigue. Anxiety is cutting off conversations, not going there, trying to stay so safe there is almost no life happening whatsoever.

I understand more about depression. How it’s a big grey blanket thrown over bad stuff and unacceptable feelings. How it can feel better than the actual feelings underneath it. How hard it can be to allow those feelings, how exhausting, how depression just seems easier – almost a choice. Not quite, not always, but for me, it sometimes is.

I’ve applied to one job today, which is all I ask of myself in the jobs department. No special effort, just clicked apply and attached a resume. It’s a job I’ve actually done over a decade before. But I need work. If I’m back where I was a decade ago, well, maybe this time I’ll do it better. Who knows.

My other two goals are laundry, and get to the gym. The gym will make me feel a bit better, hopefully. I don’t feel up to interacting with anyone yet – I’ve been alone since my session last week, talking to no one except to say hello to a cashier. I don’t care much. I haven’t been able to organize myself to have normal conversations. Hopefully by tomorrow I’ll be able to do that, because this is getting old.

Oh, and I have been looking at therapist profiles. I wouldn’t get a new one right away I don’t think, but I need to look. The usual confusion. How do I tell who would be good. Trauma therapists seem to be all female. I’ve been to a lot of female therapists, ones who say they’re good at trauma, and formed very little connection with them. But maybe this time. But how do I tell?

First, the ones with really good websites that explain trauma in a way that makes sense. I’ve contacted three of these therapists in the past, and they were not accepting new clients.ย  There is one more, and one who lives a fair ways away. The first one only works in business hours and is expensive, so not sure I could afford or make appointments during the day. She does seem very qualified though. Then there are body focused therapists – they also teach yoga, they focus on mindfulness, they seem like earth mother types. I don’t know. Maybe? There are a lot with the same type of training and approach as Ron, which seems like it’s going to be unhelpful for the same reasons he is.

OK, writing that felt awful. I know a large part of me doesn’t want anyone else, wants Ron, just a better version of him.

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11 comments
  1. I’m sorry I don’t comment more often but I’ve been reading along. Have you ever given EMDR a try? Possibly it could help you get unstuck a bit? Laurel Parnel has some wonderful books on attachment Focused EMDR that might be worth looking at? She also has one you can try on your own called Tapping In.
    I am terribly attached to my T as well but luckily she does all sorts of therapies including EMDR, hypnotherapy, bio-feedback and just talk. We are testing out the EMDR by just letting me hold the pulsers throughout the entire session. So nothing magical just that bilateral stimulation that gets things integrated in your mind. It actually helps me speak more easily and it seems like all the parts that go into hiding are able to feel safer and I feel far less fragmented and more present.

    • Ellen said:

      Nice to know you’re still here AG. Your EMDR does sound very helpful. Feeling less fragmented is huge. I’ve tried a lot of stuff, including EMDR twice. For me, it plunged me into trauma and didn’t seem to help. This was done before I knew about other parts of myself, so maybe that was why. Plus I didn’t have the trusting relationship with a T. Maybe at some point I’ll try this again. Thanks!

      • You’re welcomed and yes, I think it requires a trusting relationship plus the knowledge of what we already know. Definitely less fragmented is good. Hope it’s a good day so far ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’œ

  2. It sounds like things are horrible right now. I feel for you, and I wish that you weren’t facing all this.

    Sounds like a lot of the pain you’re feeling is coming not just from the session itself but from the way it is making you question your whole relationship with Ron and what you are getting out of therapy – that’s a huge amount to have on your mind. Once you start questioning something that has been a big part of your life it’s like everything else comes into question as well.

    As far as choosing a new therapist, I think a lot of it comes down to a gut feeling from the info you can get from their websites plus luck of the draw. And then it is tough forming a new relationship, and how long a try do you give it? What you wrote about just wanting a better version of Ron really hits the spot.

    PS feel free to say if you don’t want me dishing out advice and that what you would rather have is just support. xxx

    • Ellen said:

      It’s feeling pretty bad – thanks.

      It’s true – the session itself stirred up my own past, but it has brought to the fore my concerns about my therapy, Ron, and if it’s doing me any good at all.

      I like your advice on finding a T. I actually never feel that you give advice in a bad way, it’s based on your own experience and is helpful.

  3. Rachel said:

    This sounds pretty awful, Ellen. To be in such a state of upset for so long. And to not have any clarity around what could make it better. Especially when the thing to make it better (therapy) is the source of the upset. It almost seems at this point, taking a step in any different direction could be useful to get out of the stuck. Even going to see someone if for the only reason it verifies there is nothing wrong with Ron or his approach at all. But staying where you are does seem completely unsustainable.
    Hoping you can feel better soon, it saddens me that you are suffering so much and I hope for you to have some calmness again.

    • Ellen said:

      It is pretty awful. I don’t clearly know what’s gone wrong but something really really has. I will try and approach other T’s. Thank you Rachel.

  4. e.Nice said:

    Maybe you don’t have to decide right now what to do. Sometimes breathing takes so much work. I am glad you are breathing and I am sorry you are in so much pain.

    • Ellen said:

      Thank you Nice. I’m glad you’re breathing also. ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. ellen, it must feel so confusing to try to navigate finding someone new, and then the whole parts being attached to ron, not wanting to end it with him etc. I hope you find a solution. I am thinking of you and hoping things work out with ron. xxx

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