I’m still suffering the effects of my last session. I wake up at night, my stomach clenched, as if I’d been kicked there. I can’t work out if it’s because I feel unconnected to Ron, or if it’s about my family and what we discussed in session. Likely a mix of both.
I’m still pondering leaving this therapy. There are many good reasons to leave, and if I list them, you will likely agree that I should. And yet….and yet. Is this still my process? Should I be learning to tolerate feelings, not trying to change them by leaving?
I’m not sure that it’s standard procedure to lose at least a day every week to feeling so bad I can’t function, after pretty much each therapy session. After six years, that works out to almost one whole year of not being able to function at all. I understand therapy is painful, but is it effective to be painful to this extent? The reason I’ve put up with this though, is one, hope that this will help, and two, the fact that without therapy I do lose days to black depression on my own. With therapy, I do have some decent days now, while before, I was mostly in a gray fog.
But maybe now, if I stop, I won’t descend into that fog. The thing is, I can’t seem to try and fix my life with so much of it devastated by these after therapy states. I can’t go out, I can’t try and make friends, I am just shut down. As one of my chief problems is lack of relationship, this is not good is it? I do think that any relationships I do have have improved. So I have one friendship, basically, and we’ve become somewhat closer. I am maybe closer to my son, a bit. However, if I see him too close to therapy, I end up not relating well to him at all. So the last two times I saw him this was the case, and I was not able to be supportive, being in too much pain myself.
My career is obviously in the toilet at the moment. I don’t think therapy caused that. It didn’t help a whole lot either.
I don’t have confidence Ron understands enough about parts and dissociation to be able to help me with them. He wants to do therapy on parts. I really don’t see how that would help. It’s not as if I have DID and parts take over and do dangerous things.
I truly don’t think Ron appreciates how far down I go after sessions and how much of my life is lost to coping with the aftermath of therapy. And when I try to limit what goes on in therapy, he pushes against that, as he thinks I’m avoiding. Yes, I am avoiding. Because I can’t handle the fall-out of addressing everything at once. This is actually recommended in dealing with trauma. Why does he not get that.
Anyway. There is an aspect of my frustration with him that has shown up in other relationships I have. I am sure there are unpleasant or unhelpful aspects of myself that are obvious to him, that i just can’t see, as is the case for everyone. It could be it would benefit me to stick around and figure it all out.
Meantime I feel so alone. There is just no one. I will feel better once I’ve recovered more from the session though so I’m hanging on to that.