Bad session yesterday. I’m back in the place where I want to give up and quit therapy. I may just take a break for next week anyhow. I actually started in a pretty good place too, and now I’m back in the black hole, and it sucks a lot.
I know this will pass in a day or two. I know the theory of psychodynamic therapy – you feel a lot worse before you feel better. But how do I know that I will feel better? How do I know that I’m not just injuring myself over and over here?
At some points, I’ve felt like yes, this is healing. Many times I don’t know. Sometimes, like now, I suspect this is just suckiness – I’ve been triggered to no good purpose.
I did write Ron an email yesterday evening about what I disagreed with. It wasn’t super long, but it had some substance. He did reply, which is something I suppose, as I didn’t specifically request a response. His reply was the generic ‘I can see this is hard for you.’ That was about it.
I’m not sure I want to go into details because trying to think about it brings it up more strongly again. We didn’t talk much about the bio session, I just said I’d found it helpful. Ron wanted to schedule another and I said OK but I’m going to cancel.
We spoke about my family. My mother’s kind of erasing of people. I’d seen them at a birthday dinner, and for some reason I’d started complaining to my mother about my health insurance, which is expensive and covers very little. She made no response whatsoever, just kind of blinked at me. I guess in her book you never complain.
Ron said that as a little girl, getting no response from my mother would have felt terrible. Yes it would. Then Ron started going on about my family, and after a bit, I couldn’t listen any more. So I said I didn’t want to talk about it any more. Ron came back to it a few times, and said something about how I shut him down, like my family does to me. But the thing is, I was so upset, struggling with so many feelings about this that I couldn’t articulate, that I couldn’t take in what he was saying to me. I just knew I needed him to stop talking.
It is odd, because in general Ron is not pushy and not talkative. But this time he would not stop talking and seemed offended when I asked him to do so.
And the second problem was with parts. I was trying not to just speak from my adult, but let parts have their say. And Ron kind of said OK, but also, he feels parts are a distraction. Or something. And he said something about how B never says what’s wrong, she just chats, which is like my mother. Which is totally not true. My mother never chats and never wishes to connect. If she does say anything, it’s about high culture and BS like that. B is a tiny child, but she’s also all about her real life, what’s happening that day and that week. Ron thinks she should be speaking about traumas, and I can’t do that. I can’t make her speak about traumas. It’s not that she knows some, as far as I know, and is withholding them. She’s just like she is. When B speaks with Ron, we feel all this connection happening and it’s nice. But for him, he wants traumas, and sees her as a diversion I’m using.
So that was hurtful. I know if I’d just stayed with the adult, and talked about my mother, and felt worse and worse, then it would have been fine by him. That’s facing your feelings. Even though a bunch of other feelings are locked away in boxes.
Oh and he also said parts want to be heard, but they don’t want to connect with him. I suppose he meant they have trouble listening to his interpretations. Plus he’ll ask therapy type questions of parts, who don’t know what to say to those, and then get kind of P’d off that they don’t respond with deep therapy type answers.
I’m really hurt and really angry. Plus all this stuff about my mother hurts so much. Yes it was bad as a child with a mother who didn’t respond to me. All those feelings are stirred up and it feels like I won’t survive. On top of that, I’m not doing therapy right. It’s not enough to have to touch on these really black sticky feelings, in addition, I have to keep the therapist happy that I’m trying or whatever it is he is looking for.
So, I may quit. I’ve been here before, obviously, so bear with me if I don’t. I’m not quitting right now because I know I may change my mind.
Sometimes Ron just gets in this mood where he thinks he has to figure it all out. Those sessions are so hurtful.