I feel better. Just want to get this down before I once again feel like I’m endlessly wading through sticky mud.

I did not miss my cancelled second session today at all. I’m glad I have the chance to recover from therapy for the rest of the week. Therapy is just so hard on me. I’m forever stirring up old crap. I hope it’s doing some good.

I feel quite disconnected from Ron, but it’s not bothering me at this point. We had a session last week where I didn’t feel connected and I felt missed, in a way. I used to write angry emails to Ron following this kind of session, and then when he replied, I’d feel better and usually connected again. But. This time I felt like letting the adult me stay in charge. The adult me sees very well that Ron didn’t do anything to hurt me. He encouraged me to speak about anything I needed to, and did his best to listen and be  empathic. So what the heck.

I suspect the disconnection came from the fact that I did the session as an adult only, even though a big reason for going to see him is to take care of these younger parts. But the adult me did have traumas to discuss. My painful family, my mother, my son….Everything I talked about was basically deeply painful. Just I talked all from one point of view. For me it’s like pretending to be a regular client without parts. Ron is happy to go with this, and he treats me as if there’s just the adult there. Which then hurts my feelings. But why should it really. I can see why he does that. It’s not his role to encourage parts or call them forth. I think he’s always hoping they’ve disappeared – integrated. They never have, but he hopes it might happen.

Today was almost depression free. I did have a lot of anxiety instead, but it was manageable. It seems to help to launch myself out into the world somehow in the morning, resisting the temptation to hide at home and surf the web. I enjoyed a walk in the sunny middle part of the day, went to the library, drove to the mall to look into buying a shredder, got groceries, and worked out at the gym. For me, this is a huge amount of activity, but it all felt doable.

I’m in an odd space because I don’t feel like reading. Reading has always been my go to activity and I can usually be drawn in by a story. Right now, I’m finding it hard to concentrate and don’t find any book appealing. Very strange for me, but if it means less depression, I’ll take it.

I have also been doing some shopping online. It feels a bit dangerous to be spending money when none is coming in. However, I have a built up demand, as I haven’t been taking care of things on the home front while I was working. I bought a modest TV to replace my twenty incher, and now need something to put this on. I bought an inexpensive printer, since mine isn’t working, and a shredder, so I can get rid of old documents and free up space to file the overflow. I want to buy curtains to make my place seem cosier. I have all this energy right now to try and fix a bunch of stuff that I’ve just let slide in my need to survive working. Maybe I should go with that and not worry too much. Things are on sale right now too.

I feel quite superficial. I’m happily staying out of the depths and the muck, and doing my online shopping and errands, and letting that be OK. I feel like I’m finally bouncing back from the stress of my last job, and I want to give my mind and spirit a chance to just rest and recover. I want to try not to worry over much about finding work right away. The market is very slow before the holidays, so I want to not go into a panic about this. I have faith it will pick up in the new year, and in the meantime, I can take care of things I need to take care of.


  1. I always find that if you’re feeling capable and motivated it’s best to seize the moment and get as much done as possible while it lasts.

    PS. As someone who does a lot of shredding with a small domestic quality shredder – it’s worth getting oil or oil sheets to lubricate the shredder, and be aware that they’ll often overheat and need a rest if you’re doing a very big batch. I thought I’d broken mine the first time this happened, but once it cooled down it was fine to go again.

    • Ellen said:

      Yes, exactly. Who knows how I’ll feel the next day.

      Thanks for the tip on shredders. I’ve never had one before – I’m wanting to be more adult and business like about my life in general, hence the boring but useful purchase. I’ll get the oil or sheets.

  2. I can really relate. Since I have quit my job, I haven’t done a lot of reading, though I used to read so much, even when I was working overtime. But I do want to clean up and organize my home and sort papers. Sometimes I feel like organizing a file drawer or sorting through a pile of [whatever] gives me some sense of control to counteract the feeling I have that I am actually losing control of my life.

    • Ellen said:

      I have been doing some sorting/organizing stuff also, and for me it was sorely needed. I also get a sense of control and of ‘grown-up-ness’ from having a home that’s more neat. I hope the reading comes back though. Thanks

  3. Rachel said:

    Ellen, I was happy for you to read that you have these moments of being able to get tasks done and not fall into the depression. I know how hard it is for you when that happens, and that it happens often. I think staying out of the trauma stuff is a smart strategy. I think dipping in and back out, and learning how much to go into it, and then back off, is an important part of the recovery. It shows the younger parts that the adult can protect them, that they are safe, someone is taking care of them. Anyways, just wanted to say hi : )

    • Ellen said:

      After getting your comment I googled moving in and out of trauma. It’s really difficult to calibrate that. Nothing earth shaking came up though.

      I really like being competent even for short stretches. Thanks Rachel.

  4. e.Nice said:

    I agree with what others said that it is good to take advantage of the productive days and its nice to have a break from the deep heavy depression. Sometimes it feels like living superficially but I don’t know that that viewpoint is accurate. At any rate I’m glad you have had some time off from the depression stuff.

  5. I am glad you have had a few good days. being productive feels good oesn tit? I hope things continue to be good for you. xxx

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