Ugh. Maybe I’ll just start writing. I did bounce back from last week’s depression. Now I feel I’m back in it, but this time don’t feel positive about my therapy. I’m back on the roller coaster – from therapy is so helpful, I’ve changed so much, to Ron doesn’t know what he’s doing, he’s making it worse…..round and round.
I went to therapy twice last week, and until now I really liked that. I didn’t have time to miss Ron, and it felt like I was taking care of what I need by going twice. But now it feels like too much – therapy plunges me into worse depression than I already have, and going every few days means I never have time to have days without therapy hangovers. Plus I can’t really afford it at the moment – I’m time rich and dollar poor. Even though I get a bit of a break on the second weekly session – nothing is coming in, so outgoing should be curtailed. Of course, when I’m working, I am then time poor and unable to attend twice a week.
Now Ron suggested a bio-session – apparently he books some room with mats and it’s a more physical type session. And longer than usual. I have some curiosity, but really mixed feelings about this. Because I know he wants me to try it, and I am curious, I said yes. In order to make up the cost, I’ll cancel my second session next week. In any case, I feel negative about going to see him, so I’d probably cancel the second session anyway. Although I really wanted to try the two sessions a week. His bio room experiment is really badly timed for me. I don’t think there will be time to just do two ordinary sessions a week for a few weeks in a row – holidays coming up etc.
The idea with the bio session is that I’d get at some of the deeper traumas and Ron would help me to process them. I don’t have much trouble calling up traumas, although it’s true I don’t seem to get anywhere with them. I don’t remember any more details, and never get the feeling that anything was put to rest. I am worried that Ron will dump me into a bunch of trauma and then leave me in it. He has no techniques for getting me feeling more grounded or ready to get back to normal life. I don’t really trust his judgement that this is what is best for me right now.
On the other hand, at times I am more trusting of him. So I’ve said yes. I can always not do whatever it is he does, and just sit there, if I want. I’ll see how it goes in the session.
I think I end up in this untrusting place when I do therapy like an adult. Last session there were no parts, and I discussed everything from an adult type place. This still stirs up despairing feelings, but they’re at a distance. So I feel black chunks of misery and hopelessness, but not sad with crying or any separate emotions I could name. The fact that Ron always thinks this is just fine bugs me. I understand I’m not reacting the way clients often reacts, but he’s known me long enough he should be able to help me avoid this. I think these types of sessions are just counter-productive. Too much and dealt with in an unhelpful way.
Grrr….Bitch bitch bitch. In my session also, I was complaining about everyone I had dealt with that week. I think I’m just depressed.