Mistrust

Ugh. Maybe I’ll just start writing. I did bounce back from last week’s depression. Now I feel I’m back in it, but this time don’t feel positive about my therapy. I’m back on the roller coaster – from therapy is so helpful, I’ve changed so much, to Ron doesn’t know what he’s doing, he’s making it worse…..round and round.

I went to therapy twice last week, and until now I really liked that. I didn’t have time to miss Ron, and it felt like I was taking care of what I need by going twice. But now it feels like too much – therapy plunges me into worse depression than I already have, and going every few days means I never have time to have days without therapy hangovers. Plus I can’t really afford it at the moment – I’m time rich and dollar poor. Even though I get a bit of a break on the second weekly session – nothing is coming in, so outgoing should be curtailed. Of course, when I’m working, I am then time poor and unable to attend twice a week.

Now Ron suggested a bio-session – apparently he books some room with mats and it’s a more physical type session. And longer than usual. I have some curiosity, but really mixed feelings about this. Because I know he wants me to try it, and I am curious, I said yes. In order to make up the cost, I’ll cancel my second session next week. In any case, I feel negative about going to see him, so I’d probably cancel the second session anyway. Although I really wanted to try the two sessions a week. His bio room experiment is really badly timed for me. I don’t think there will be time to just do two ordinary sessions a week for a few weeks in a row – holidays coming up etc.

The idea with the bio session is that I’d get at some of the deeper traumas and Ron would help me to process them. I don’t have much trouble calling up traumas, although it’s true I don’t seem to get anywhere with them. I don’t remember any more details, and never get the feeling that anything was put to rest. I am worried that Ron will dump me into a bunch of trauma and then leave me in it. He has no techniques for getting me feeling more grounded or ready to get back to normal life. I don’t really trust his judgement that this is what is best for me right now.

On the other hand, at times I am more trusting of him. So I’ve said yes. I can always not do whatever it is he does, and just sit there, if I want. I’ll see how it goes in the session.

I think I end up in this untrusting place when I do therapy like an adult. Last session there were no parts, and I discussed everything from an adult type place. This still stirs up despairing feelings, but they’re at a distance. So I feel black chunks of misery and hopelessness, but not sad with crying or any separate emotions I could name. The fact that Ron always thinks this is just fine bugs me. I understand I’m not reacting the way clients often reacts, but he’s known me long enough he should be able to help me avoid this. I think these types of sessions are just counter-productive. Too much and dealt with in an unhelpful way.

Grrr….Bitch bitch bitch. In my session also, I was complaining about everyone I had dealt with that week. I think I’m just depressed.

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10 comments
  1. I think your concerns are fair and valid especially since you mentioned that Ron doesn’t have grounding techniques for you when it comes to returning. I think trusting our intuitions is hard when it’s someone we trust offering solutions that don’t resonate with us. I wish you the best as you try to navigate this. Xx

    • Ellen said:

      Hi PD – I see what you mean. I’m not sure if it’s my intuition that’s saying no or my mistrust/fear. While another part is saying yes. So it’s confusing. I think I’ll survive fine, even if this session doesn’t help me. I’m going to ask him to leave fifteen minutes at the end for wrapping up/processing/ grounding. Thanks!

  2. I can relate to that feeling of yo-yoing between trust and mistrust, and also what you’re describing of putting a whole lot of material out there but in an emotionally disconnected way and at the end of the session you feel as if you’ve achieved nothing. I’ll be interested to hear how trying something new goes.

    • Ellen said:

      Therapy is confusing altogether. Thank you Dangerous

  3. Laura said:

    It’s tough to base decisions about what course to take on how you feel, since how you feel changes constantly. I do this, too.
    I hope you’ll take a few chances while you have some liberty. Try trusting, even when it doesn’t feel completely safe.

    • Ellen said:

      I may do that. Thanks

  4. Grainne said:

    I used to have sessions like that too. I would go into therapy, basically sit there and complain about my job and week and then I’d pay her and leave, thinking I surely could have done that for free at home with the same results. It feels like out therapists should be pulling us out of that and forcing deeper conversation but maybe they feel that clearing the surface issues is helpful in getting to the deeper ones? I don’t know. That’s what I always told myself when it happened to me.

    I’d say try the bio session. If it feels wrong in the moment, tell him and maybe you can just access whatever it is you need to right then. Hope whatever you choose to do helps you. Xx

    • Ellen said:

      I find also that the ‘little stuff’ can lead to bigger issues. I like starting with smaller things, if I can let the connections to other things come up.

      I am trying the bio session. God help me. Thanks Grainne

  5. Oh my gosh I swear I have an entry in my journal that is virtually identical to this from when I started trauma work with my therapist. I could so relate to this post! Keep up the hard work 💜

  6. e.Nice said:

    Good luck with the bio sessions. Sounds interesting and scary. I’m glad you weren’t feeling as depressed as the previous week. Although it sounds like you are still experiencing depression to me. Just different levels of it I suppose.

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