Session Thursday was so much better than last time. Ron seemed to have really taken my email to him to heart. He didn’t push, didn’t go back to our argument re facing things, and was basically kind and sympathetic. It was what I needed. I’ve been a bit more relaxed since the session, just calming down a bit.
I had some trouble talking. I’ve not been sleeping much, and it’s affected me a lot. I felt like I was almost whispering, though Ron said he could hear me fine. He suggested drawing again, which I used to do a lot of, but had stopped in recent sessions. I always bring my crayons and scratch pad just in case, so I got this out and doodled shapes and colours. I find that soothing, and I know a young part of me loves that.
During the session, I was trying to determine if I felt connected to Ron. I did make eye contact. I much prefer having no conflict, so in that way, I felt more in tune with him. Sometimes I have difficulty feeling that he is real in some sense – I feel as if I’m behind a glass wall. But he seemed moderately real this time.
We did have a moment of humour. Ron doesn’t smile much, but he did this time. I asked him if he’d had any emergency calls from clients distressed by the American election. He said no, just from himself.
He asked me if Trump reminded me of various bad bosses I’ve had, but I didn’t really think so. This kind of blow-hard loud mouth extrovert doesn’t really call up authority figures from my past for me, so I’m lucky in that. My father is a completely different type of person. And of the bad bosses – no one really fit that type either. I said I was upset at first, but now I’m trying not to polarize so much, to realize that the people who voted republican are people too, who see things differently from me, who have completely different lives than I do, and are not necessarily my enemies. Ron said nothing to this, and I suspect he does not much agree. Which is fine. I didn’t want to spend a lot of time on this situation, which is not affecting me that much at the moment. Hoping that remains true.
We tried to figure out why I’m not sleeping. Ron said it’s well documented that job loss can cause sleep issues. I’ve been reading about insomnia, got some books from the library. There’s a lot to know about sleep. So I’ve been trying to track when I go to bed, when I wake up at night, how long I’m up, and when I get up. I am waking up 2-4 times a night at present.
I’ve learned that I’ve been proceeding in a way that is not going to help. I have tended to go to bed early and sleep in late in order to make up for the sleep I’m losing. You’re not supposed to do that. Apparently a ‘sleep drive’ builds up during the day, but you need to be up and about for this to occur. So by lengthening time in bed, sleep drive doesn’t have a chance to build up enough to keep you nicely asleep.
So I’m trying to stay up later, despite my fatigue, and get up with the alarm, even though I don’t need to be anywhere currently. It does give me a lot more hours to my day. To the point where I get bored now in the long evenings, especially since my fatigue makes it hard for me to enjoy anything like a movie, TV or book.
I know some of this sleep stuff is from having PTSD. However. Maybe limiting my time in bed will help – I’ve not tried this before. Anyway. I’ve strayed from the topic of my session, but honestly, I can’t remember much of it. I was just whispering, and drawing, and Ron was being kind and non-pushing, and that’s about it. We did wonder whether now I’m home, the part of me that manages and controls other parts is standing down more, because I’ve noticed parts are forward when I wake up at night and such. I just say it could be.
I feel like if only someone could be kind and present, I could calm down again enough to feel things and so get this therapy and healing back in gear. I think right now I’m still recovering from leaving my job. It’s just going to take a while.
It is a much better feeling to have that trust in Ron back again.