Sleepless

I’ve had a rough week. Maybe part of what made it rough was I stopped trying to communicate. I didn’t email Ron, which I usually do if I’m angry with him, as waiting a whole week seems impossible sometimes. This time, I felt such a rift, I didn’t bother.

I’ve been unable to sleep. I sleep for an hour or two, then wake up and can’t get back to sleep. During the last months of my job, I got into the habit of taking a xanax when I woke up in the middle of the night, and that seemed to work, in that I got back to sleep. Now I’m off, I don’t want to keep doing that. However, now my sleep has fallen apart entirely. I’m up for hours and hours at night, and feel hollow and fatigued during the day. Though the sleeplessness has chased away the depression. I can’t seem to feel anything much at all now.

I thought about quitting therapy, but just settled for taking back my regular fifty minute session instead of the hour and twenty minutes. At least if it’s bad, it won’t be bad for so long.

I did just write Ron an email saying I cannot have the argument again about facing all of my pain and traumas. I need to get through what’s coming up for me currently, I cannot dig stuff up, and I don’t want to be pushed. I said I need kindness and gentleness and no pushing at this time. A commenter on a previous post asked if I had asked for what I needed in session, and I realized I actually had not directly. It seemed to me that Ron should know what I needed, and if he didn’t, he was a bad therapist. Which is silly.

It’s very tempting to imagine people should know what we need without having to ask. Sometimes they do, but other times they don’t, and it’s not necessarily true that they don’t want to give what we need.

Well, I’m very sleepy and it’s the middle of the night, so maybe I can sleep now.

Also, my condolences to any American readers. I’ve found the election results a shock, and I imagine it’s more shocking to most if this is your own country. We have also had right wing governments, but no prime minister who was anything like Trump. But – we had a notorious mayor with criminal tendencies. So there’s that.

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6 comments
  1. Hi Ellen, I’m glad you told Ron exactly what you need and hope he will listen and provide exactly that.

    I appreciate the condolences about the election. I am sick about it.

    • Ellen said:

      Thank you Q.

      The election result is definitely worrying to me also – I can see why you are upset. Hoping the realities of actually being president in a democracy will stump Mr T.

  2. I’m sorry it’s been a rough week.

    I’m glad you told Ron you don’t want to keep digging into trauma material when you just need to get through what is coming up now. I think you are smart to handle things this way, and to tell him exactly what you need.

    Thank you for condolences on the election. I think I’m still in a kind of horrified shock. It feels surreal.

    💟

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks Alice. It actually took that comment for me to realize that I hadn’t actually said what I needed, so hope it helps.

      I’m sorry you’re suffering re the election but I can see why – this individual is basically horrifying to me, not that I’m his demographic. I’ve limited my media exposure quite a bit as I can’t deal with this either at the moment.

  3. Oh Rob Ford.

    I am glad you told Ron what you needed. You should be the driver of the therapy bus, as A is fond of saying. 🙂

    • Ellen said:

      Yes, Rob. RIP.

      Thank you PD.

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