Day two of being jobless. I’m still depressed but it’s better. Today I went for a longish walk in the park, and started enjoying it half way through. Amazing fall colours and blue skies in this part of the world this week only. Another few days and all the leaves will have fallen, but this is still that magic time before that happens.
I think I need to try and find work for start of December. At least it is a goal. Because three months out of work is not a good thing at all. I need to be back out there – to get back on that horse, so to speak.
I am still so angry with Ron. I don’t understand why he chose yesterday, the day after my last working day, when I was extremely depressed, to start in again on how I need to not avoid issues. It seemed like the whole session I felt like I had to try and dig up things for him, so he would like me again. It felt oppressive and unhelpful. I just needed someone to sit there and be sympathetic, and let me put myself back together. Not the time for pressure and thoughts on what I’m doing wrong in therapy.
I know I’m probably going overboard in my feelings of needing to get away from him. I started to feel some of the anger I was feeling for my boss towards him, and he’s definitely done nothing to me the way she did. I suspect I’m feeling a lot of angry feelings that maybe belong to other people.
At the same time, what can I do? This is how I see it. I don’t want to see him, I think he’s making things worse, I am fed up to the eyeballs with this story about how I’m avoiding things, when what I’m trying to do is titrate the pain so I can continue to have some kind of functioning existence, such as it is.
No point cancelling now. I’ll wait until next week, because by then I may feel differently again and then it will be embarrassing to ask for the time back.
I don’t even feel like having a ‘closure’ type session. Why should I pay for something that’s just going to be painful and awkward and, well, painful and awkward.
I feel so betrayed. That when I go to him, in such bad shape and in so much pain, he is uncaring. I think sometimes he gets low self-esteem episodes actually – he kind of panics that I’m not making progress, and decides he has to put on the pressure for me to dive into painful topics. It’s more about him than about me – I’m obviously overwhelmed and incapable of deep diving at the moment. I think in his more regular state he would register that and be sensitive to it.
He did encourage me to express anger with him, and I did some of that. It felt shitty basically. I didn’t want to be angry with him, I wanted kindness and understanding. But I was trying to do therapy right, so I did that. It’s really hard when I go in overwhelmed, because I don’t have a whole lot of judgement then about what to do that would help. I just flail around.
Today I went to the doctors. I have this strange thing on my leg – it looks like the fat there has wasted away. There was a medical student there. He spent so much time noting down every detail! It seemed so funny he had so much time to ponder this, while the actual doctor would have me in and out in ten minutes. It was actually nice though to have someone consider my issues so intently, with no rushing. I also mentioned some congestion, and so he did a long intake on that also.
So when the doctor came in, she decided in about two minutes that neither complaint was worrying in the least. Then had to have a PAP test which was unpleasant but I did it. And a quick conversation about my son.
In the last year or so, I’ve really gotten a sense that this doctor cares. I’ve gone to her for a long time, but never had that sense before. So she’s likely the same, but I’ve changed, and can take in that she cares.
Sometimes at home I feel I can’t interact with the world at all – it seems impossible to go to the doctor’s appointment, find parking, get there on time, go through with the appointment. I don’t really know what I’m worried about. I manage fine. It’s like a part of me worries so intensely about every detail, when there’s really nothing much to worry about.
Ron says I have fragments of selves that have strong feelings about things. And that then, they can’t find a way to take care of those feelings, because they’re fragments.
I guess that could be true. When I try and express how I feel, usually younger parts end up speaking, and suddenly I feel all these emotions that they have.
Well, that’s me today. I got a doctor’s appointment taken care of, and took a walk in the autumn light. Now for some dinner and trying to relax before bed.