Therapy Thursday

I had what felt like a bad and destructive session today. It was a longer session again, since i had the time. I wish I’d cancelled. I did have the thought that because I’m currently feeling quite traumatized from ending my job, it’s not a good time for therapy. I already feel overwhelmed, and cannot really talk about anything, and don’t want to open up any other issues either. However, of course I didn’t cancel. I’m supposed to go for a longer session again next time, but I’ll cut it back to a regular length instead. If I go.

I have fallen back into a depression, triggered off by this job situation. Although I still do believe it is for the best that I left. This manager is so toxic, and triggers me so severely, I would just be in an uproar all of the time there.

Stupidly, I tell Ron that I don’t want to get into any heavy issues today, I’m already very depressed and can’t really think. And he gets on his usual ‘rant’ about how this ‘might’ be part of the problem – I’m avoiding talking about what I need to talk about. Which I don’t agree is true. There are times to dive into deep issues, and times to try to shore up functioning again. IMO.

I believe my system gets overwhelmed sometimes, like now. I keep shutting down, sleeping or just lying there. It’s really hard to get up in the morning, figure out what to wear, have a shower and such. Right now, everything feels traumatic. I don’t want to add more to all this, so excuse me for trying to cope and make things better.

The whole time in session felt heavy and difficult. I couldn’t find words for anything. Ron encouraged me to vent my frustration, and I did somewhat, about his approach, and how therapy wasn’t working. And it doesn’t make me feel any better. Though maybe there was a bit of a lightening, when I expressed anger. But overall, I feel I spent time with someone I’m in conflict with.

I have trouble feeling, in general. I get overwhelmed, but I can’t cry or feel regular emotions. I think because it doesn’t feel safe. So a session with conflict with Ron is not helping me feel any safer.

Ron did talk to the part of me that seems in charge of shutting me down. This is also a child-like part. She believes she must stop me from talking no matter what. Why, says Ron. Because she doesn’t know what she’s talking about anyway.

This part was interesting. Then that part got fed up with Ron’s questions, and vanished. So Ron said she was shutting ‘us’ down, meaning that part and him. Why be so negative? He could have been pleased to have talked to a new part who had never come forward before.

Anyway. I wish I hadn’t gone. I just feel more hopeless.

  1. That sounds really difficult. I can relate to what you’re describing, of just not having it in you to cope with picking apart what you’re doing ‘wrong’ when what you really need is just empathy and support until you feel a bit better. It’s not the same as avoiding the hard discussions once you’ve climbed out of that black hole – that would be something that should be challenged, hopefully to prevent it repeating over and over. But it sounds like now is not that time. I hope you can find a way of discussing how you are feeling with Ron and coming to some agreement about what he could do that might help.

    • Ellen said:

      It is difficult, thank you. I feel like quitting this therapy at the moment to tell the truth. However, I’ll wait and see how I feel in a few days. We won’t come to any agreement – he has his views basically. Though it’s true many times I’ve found him empathetic. Not today though.

  2. “There at times to dive into deep issues and times to shore up functioning again.” I whole heartedly agree with this statement. I don’t think therapy is a fully linear process of creating safer/resources/coping skills first and then dealing with the deep issues and dealing with the relationship. I think it goes back and forth. I’m sorry Ron doesn’t understand that. I do hope he is more sympathetic in your next session.

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks Alice. I really believe that is true also. Ron really doesn’t do the ‘skills’ part of therapy at all. But often he’s much more attuned and connected. I’m really angry with him still, and I think about quitting. I don’t have money coming in right now anyway. And it’s so painful to go for help and understanding and then not feeling even understood or cared about.

      • I know how painful it is to go to therapy needing to feel connection and care and then not feel that. I’m sorry Ellen. Does Ron connect well through email? I can’t remember if he emails.

        • Ellen said:

          Yeah, it is painful, thank you. Sometimes email is helpful. Ron replies with a sentence or two sometimes, and almost always if I ask for a response. He doesn’t get into an issue, but I have felt connected anyway through emails at times. This time I didn’t try and communicate my distress, which is unusual for me. Not trying made it worse for me, but I just didn’t feel like emailing.

  3. My counselor also tended to push harder when I was already feeling unsettled. I asked why. He explained that when I am guarded I won’t share many things. Just as for you a part talked that hadn’t talked before, I did something similar, information that I with held came spilling out when I was over whelmed, out of sorts and feeling unsafe. My counselor reminded me that part of counseling is letting go of things that give the illusion of safe but really aren’t . I hope that makes sense to you. Hugs. I’m sorry you are going through a rough time.

    • Ellen said:

      Interesting you went through similar Ruth. That does make sense. Good to know other therapists also do this, and Ron isn’t completely out to lunch. 🙂 Thank you

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