I had what felt like a bad and destructive session today. It was a longer session again, since i had the time. I wish I’d cancelled. I did have the thought that because I’m currently feeling quite traumatized from ending my job, it’s not a good time for therapy. I already feel overwhelmed, and cannot really talk about anything, and don’t want to open up any other issues either. However, of course I didn’t cancel. I’m supposed to go for a longer session again next time, but I’ll cut it back to a regular length instead. If I go.
I have fallen back into a depression, triggered off by this job situation. Although I still do believe it is for the best that I left. This manager is so toxic, and triggers me so severely, I would just be in an uproar all of the time there.
Stupidly, I tell Ron that I don’t want to get into any heavy issues today, I’m already very depressed and can’t really think. And he gets on his usual ‘rant’ about how this ‘might’ be part of the problem – I’m avoiding talking about what I need to talk about. Which I don’t agree is true. There are times to dive into deep issues, and times to try to shore up functioning again. IMO.
I believe my system gets overwhelmed sometimes, like now. I keep shutting down, sleeping or just lying there. It’s really hard to get up in the morning, figure out what to wear, have a shower and such. Right now, everything feels traumatic. I don’t want to add more to all this, so excuse me for trying to cope and make things better.
The whole time in session felt heavy and difficult. I couldn’t find words for anything. Ron encouraged me to vent my frustration, and I did somewhat, about his approach, and how therapy wasn’t working. And it doesn’t make me feel any better. Though maybe there was a bit of a lightening, when I expressed anger. But overall, I feel I spent time with someone I’m in conflict with.
I have trouble feeling, in general. I get overwhelmed, but I can’t cry or feel regular emotions. I think because it doesn’t feel safe. So a session with conflict with Ron is not helping me feel any safer.
Ron did talk to the part of me that seems in charge of shutting me down. This is also a child-like part. She believes she must stop me from talking no matter what. Why, says Ron. Because she doesn’t know what she’s talking about anyway.
This part was interesting. Then that part got fed up with Ron’s questions, and vanished. So Ron said she was shutting ‘us’ down, meaning that part and him. Why be so negative? He could have been pleased to have talked to a new part who had never come forward before.
Anyway. I wish I hadn’t gone. I just feel more hopeless.