Made it

I made it. I’m home from my last day at work. I’d had this idea I would leave at noon, having little to occupy me there. However my co-worker said that would be unusual, people usually put in a full day. So I compromised and stayed until three, which was hard enough. Just before, I did the rounds of the department, saying goodbye to everyone. It was a bit hard to do that, because I was so stressed out after waiting all day to leave, but it was OK. Some people were nice. I actually had a longish discussion with one long-time worker there just as I was leaving. He said the whole department is stressed out  and lacking ‘civility’. I wondered if maybe he could have become a friend, because at least he liked to talk. I didn’t have to pry anything out of him – he had lots to say, but also listened if I spoke. Kind of an unusual person though – very intense. So who knows.

I was very scared to say good-bye to one of the directors there. At first I’d really admired him, because he seemed so articulate, then realized he’s pretty controlling. I never had much to do with him directly actually. He is very important to the department. Anyway, I decided to say goodbye, and felt all emotional for no good reason except that I was stressed out. He didn’t actually seem to know why I was saying goodbye to him anyway. Sigh. He’s very good pals with my boss anyway. Well, who cares. That life is behind me now, and I no longer need to care about these personalities.

C, who was the director who was so nice to me when I worked with him, totally withdrew once I resigned. He was nice and smiled when I came to say goodbye, but again I felt emotional and so forgot to thank him for being so kind, and just said goodbye. A few people, including C, said they’d miss me, and I said truthfully I’d miss them also. There is one co-worker, N, who clasped my hand warmly and said he’d miss me. He’s a complete numbers guy, but he was always nice and never felt threatened by my questions or suggestions. He seemed so emotionally open somehow. I don’t know how to describe it. Like he brought his whole self to wishing me goodbye, standing up and clasping my hand, gazing at me with large open eyes. He’s from a middle eastern culture – I wonder if that’s a warmer culture than my own chilly Canadian one.

And interestingly, I had this whole whispered conversation with B in the morning before boss arrived, on how we could have avoided accepting these jobs with J as the bad boss. I was wondering how I could improve my interviewing, to be alerted to bad situations before I take the job. Two of the red flags B told me about when she interviewed with J were also there for me, but mostly after the interview. I honestly didn’t see in my interview with her, I didn’t see issues or warning signs. I really don’t probe at all, I guess, and am so eager to be hired I don’t evaluate properly perhaps.

I am so relieved to be done with this. It is fairly possible I won’t be employed now until spring though. The time leading to the holidays tends to be dead for hiring, even for contracts, and ditto for January, where people are just recovering.

I hope I don’t fall back into depression. Right now I’m OK, just wishing I had someone to talk to about all this. Maybe I’ve done my grieving and now get a break?

I’ve booked another longer therapy session for tomorrow. I’ve remembered that just before I took this job, Ron and I had decided on twice a week sessions, and I’m thinking maybe I should try that during this work hiatus, even though funds are not coming in at the moment. I’d never be able to do that when working, because I need evening appointments, and Ron only offers those three times a week, so taking two of them would be difficult. If I want to do this, I have to ask right away though, otherwise the time will just go and boom, I’ll be employed again.

 

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5 comments
  1. I know you were really stressed, but I’m glad leaving and your last day was mostly okay. I think trying therapy sessions twice a week might be a good idea– it’s something you wanted to try before and now that you have the time, it might be helpful.

    • Ellen said:

      It was OK. A lot of people there basically like me, which I forgot under the stress of everything else, but saw when I went around to say goodbye. I may go that route with therapy. Thanks Alice.

  2. Rachel said:

    I am relieved you are done with the job, too. That wasn’t a healthy situation for you. I like the idea of twice a week therapy for you. Might help hold the younger parts better.

  3. so glad you made it. goodbyes can be emotionally charged. so I can see why you’d be emotional even if you did not know a lot of them well. therapy twice a week might be a good idea for a while. you’d get a lot out of it i’m sure. xxx

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