Losing a job

I’ve fallen into a depression. What else is new. I’m doing my best not to succumb though. I know contact with friends is helpful, and yesterday I hung out with my friend E for a few hours. I feel like we are getting along better now than previously. Neither of us are afraid to speak our minds, and there is lots to talk about, within the limitations of E  not being a therapy kind of a person. I guess I was trying to be entertaining also – I have a jokey entertaining side to me which hasn’t surfaced that much lately, but seems to be back. Even in therapy, where I used to stop and start and subside into silence, now I sometimes go on for quite a while, just describing how i see things, with more energy than I used to have.

Today I keep being pulled back to my bed, but I did go out this afternoon to shop, now I’m writing. I tried to phone my friend J but no luck.

I feel guilty about not visiting my son but I feel like I’m too depressed.

I’m not sure why I feel so bad. I would have thought I’d feel good, quitting my stupid job. And a part of me is very relieved. At the same time, the loss is triggering off these huge sad dejected feelings. There’s some anger there also, at how I was treated. I’m just surprised I am so very down. I still think it was the right decision.

Obviously I’ll have to find new work. It shouldn’t be that hard though. For me, there is not the safety net of having another person’s income still coming in. On the other  hand, my expenses are not that great, and I have savings I can live on for a while.

Maybe I feel sad I’m at this point in my life, and still haven’t got the basics of job or relationship sorted out. It takes so long to figure out. I’ll likely be ready to retire by the time I find work that is tolerable.

I did have two sessions which I haven’t described. A longer one last Saturday, where I ended up speaking a lot about my teenaged years. A very painful topic, as I was isolated and depressed and hopeless as a teen. I became super depressed after that session, but not sure if it was the job or the memories.

Then this Thursday, a regular session. At this one, I simply went over again the details of the job, what I maybe should have done, would this or that have made a difference. I felt a bit better after this session. I just needed to stay in the present, and stay adult for this. I felt as if I’d unburdened myself to a sympathetic listener.

This is all real hard for me. I need to keep going until Wednesday, my last day. And then hopefully not sink deeper into this depression. Maybe I’m working through the feelings of loss and will be better after it’s finally done with.

  1. I wonder if the waiting for things to be over, feeling like you are in this transition period is what is making the depression worse. I have a really difficult time with those feelings of being in transition. Usually it’s the anxiety of waiting for XYZ to be over and ABC to start. I hope the rest of the week goes smoothly for you. Xx💟

    • Ellen said:

      It could be Alice. I know it’s really tough for me to be there – I’m like a dead person in a way, not really contributing, making people a bit uncomfortable to see me….I can’t wait for this to be over. Thank you. xox. BTW, nice dress for the wedding a while ago – I meant to say when you posted the pic!

      • Thank you 🙂

        Maybe people aren’t uncomfortable around you, more just uncomfortable because they know you are unhappy at work and leaving because of that and they don’t know what to say? I often feel uncomfortable when I don’t know what to say.

        • Ellen said:

          Yes, that’s why they’re uncomfortable. It’s not personal really. Actually, since mostly people ignored me anyway, they’re mostly just keeping on doing that. Maybe it’s me that’s uncomfortable…. thx

          • I hope today is feeling okay for you. I’m glad you could see that people’s uncomfortableness is not personal, and I hope you were able to hold onto that today.

  2. What you’re describing of your remaining time at work reminds me a bit of the Japanese madogiwazoku. I hope it feels better once you’re away from there.

    • Ellen said:

      I hadn’t come across that term before – interesting and creepy also. Actually some work did come in for me the last few days, so I’m no longer madogiwazoku. 🙂 I can’t wait for this to be over though. Thanks Dangerous

  3. I’m sorry that you’re feeling so down and depressed. It sounds like a positive thing that you’re leaving a toxic work environment. I hope you are able to find a new job soon.

    Talking about being a teenager and other painful topics sometimes makes me depressed and dysregulated, too. It’s very difficult.

    • Ellen said:

      Yes, it is positive, and I keep telling myself that. My mind has other ideas though.

      Sorry you too have trouble talking about being a teen – it makes me very depressed, even if I don’t feel that bad while I’m talking about it.

      Thanks Sophia

  4. Rachel said:

    This is hard, Ellen. You’re feeling more of the grief around your life, and how it is and has been, and that is so hard. It is hard to really face reality sometimes, even when the reality isn’t entirely our doing or choice (meaning this is because of the impact of your childhood trauma, not “you” or reflective of your adult capacities). It hurts to see ourselves and our limitations, despite trying hard.
    I’m sorry for the social situation at work; if I was ignored the way you have been, or without much interaction, I would be so triggered. I think you’ve done remarkably well.

      • Ellen said:

        And yes, precisely because I was traumatized with the silent treatment, I find the introverted nature of these co-workers hard to deal with. While someone else, who maybe had invasive family members and wanted to have some solitude, would probably not only not be triggered, but feel very positive about the situation.

  5. Laura E Burns said:

    Yes, me too, I think you’ve done remarkably well! No sense in comparing ourselves with imaginary world-beating members of our (and later) generations.
    Leaving even a dysfunctional family, is difficult. The future is over the horizon, it’s possibilities not yet apparent. You’re setting out toward that horizon, leaving this rocky barren shore behind. It takes a lot of courage.

    • Ellen said:

      I do like the image you are painting of my struggle Laura. Thank you. 🙂

  6. ellen, i’m sorry things were so difficult with the loss of the job and the depression. I’m glad the two therapy sessions were good though and you felt like you were listened too. xx

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