I’ve fallen into a depression. What else is new. I’m doing my best not to succumb though. I know contact with friends is helpful, and yesterday I hung out with my friend E for a few hours. I feel like we are getting along better now than previously. Neither of us are afraid to speak our minds, and there is lots to talk about, within the limitations of E not being a therapy kind of a person. I guess I was trying to be entertaining also – I have a jokey entertaining side to me which hasn’t surfaced that much lately, but seems to be back. Even in therapy, where I used to stop and start and subside into silence, now I sometimes go on for quite a while, just describing how i see things, with more energy than I used to have.
Today I keep being pulled back to my bed, but I did go out this afternoon to shop, now I’m writing. I tried to phone my friend J but no luck.
I feel guilty about not visiting my son but I feel like I’m too depressed.
I’m not sure why I feel so bad. I would have thought I’d feel good, quitting my stupid job. And a part of me is very relieved. At the same time, the loss is triggering off these huge sad dejected feelings. There’s some anger there also, at how I was treated. I’m just surprised I am so very down. I still think it was the right decision.
Obviously I’ll have to find new work. It shouldn’t be that hard though. For me, there is not the safety net of having another person’s income still coming in. On the other hand, my expenses are not that great, and I have savings I can live on for a while.
Maybe I feel sad I’m at this point in my life, and still haven’t got the basics of job or relationship sorted out. It takes so long to figure out. I’ll likely be ready to retire by the time I find work that is tolerable.
I did have two sessions which I haven’t described. A longer one last Saturday, where I ended up speaking a lot about my teenaged years. A very painful topic, as I was isolated and depressed and hopeless as a teen. I became super depressed after that session, but not sure if it was the job or the memories.
Then this Thursday, a regular session. At this one, I simply went over again the details of the job, what I maybe should have done, would this or that have made a difference. I felt a bit better after this session. I just needed to stay in the present, and stay adult for this. I felt as if I’d unburdened myself to a sympathetic listener.
This is all real hard for me. I need to keep going until Wednesday, my last day. And then hopefully not sink deeper into this depression. Maybe I’m working through the feelings of loss and will be better after it’s finally done with.