I’ve spent a good part of this weekend in bed. Back in that hopeless place, where trying to decide whether to walk to the grocery store or go by car is too hard, and sends me right back to bed.
I did go out with my friend E last night, and we both had cider and sat in a noisy pub. Maybe I cut off my sadness in order to be social, I’m not sure. I didn’t feel especially sad while out with her. It was OK. Stupid also in a way. I was trying to persuade her she is a love addict, but she has no interest in any of this. She’s been ‘in love’ with an internet date for the best part of a year, but they only met four times, last time in April. He keeps it alive by texting her once in a while, and that’s all she needs. She fumes that he won’t meet up with her, and won’t really talk either. Obviously, she’s not actually in love. Four meetings do not a romance make. However, she can’t let him go, and can’t move on to date others, even though she desperately wants a man in her life. She feels if she stops responding to his texts, she will have nothing left to give her life meaning.
Anyway. We all have our own crazy it seems. She is outwardly super capable, has a good job and a house, and is always doing activities. She didn’t used to share problems with me, so I never knew she had these issues. But you can’t save someone else, right? Even though you see the suffering, that person has to want to change. So I fell into this trap of trying to fix it, analyze, etc. After a while it becomes painful to listen to an obsessed person – they’re obviously going nowhere with it all, and you can’t help. She’s essentially been in the same place with it since the beginning of the year.
Why am I criticizing another person?
E did ask about me, and I told her about my job, my impression my boss is ignoring me to the point of avoiding a simple hello when I walk in the door and she is right there. She asks how do I know, am I taking it too hard? And it’s true – how do I know, if someone is ignoring me? What can I say? I felt like yes, I need to try harder to be social with others, to offset the problems with my boss.
Friday was very bad at my job, and I have not recovered. I cannot bear the silent treatment. This woman is so very loud – her voice is heard throughout the department for a good half of working hours every day. Since I took three days off sick, she has ignored me. She speaks only to my co-worker, in this very intense micro-managing way. As my co-worker sits inches away from me, this is hard to ignore.
I can’t explain my distress. I cannot function properly. I don’t think I’ll attend my last yoga for anxiety class, which is tonight, because I cannot bear to go out. I can’t bear the pain of being around other people.
I know it’s triggering. My father gave me the silent treatment for some years when I was a child. It’s not something you can process as a child with no support, so probably those feelings are still alive and ready to come out.
It doesn’t help to think this. I still just feel sick and unable to function.
I have resolved to speak to big boss J next week. If I cannot report to someone else, I must leave.
In other news, therapy is going pretty well. I was not so triggered Thursday, so we didn’t discuss work much. I have so much wanted it to work, that anytime it seems bearable, I don’t want to discuss it.
We talked about my family Thanksgiving. Just at the end, possibly another part took over and explained what it had been like. A more lively, emotional part, but older than B for sure. So in the last minutes of the session, I ended up in this very emotional place. I said something like too bad I don’t start the session crying, meaning then we could try and deal with that. I start the session fairly unemotional, then after fifty minutes, I find the emotion.
Ron actually moved towards me at that point. He asked if a longer session would be helpful next time. So next Saturday, I’m going to be there for 50 + 25 minutes. We’ll see where that goes.
Plus, Ron didn’t want payment for the half a phone session. I was completely surprised – I’d suggested this only because I’d thought I was paying for his time. 25 minutes seems a long time unpaid. Huh.
I did tell him right away how helpful I’d found it to speak with him on the phone. Then he wanted to talk more about the integration aspects we’d discussed on the phone, which I find excruciating to discuss, because parts feel they will die and they feel horribly rejected and panicked by this thought. I tolerated the discussion for a few minutes but had nothing much to say about it, and thankfully we got on to other topics fairly quickly.
When I got home, I no longer felt the sadness I’d felt at the end of session. Which also makes it seem like this was held in a part, who then subsided again.
I want to at least cook tonight so I have lunches for next week.