I believe I’ve decided to quit my job. The actual full-time hasn’t kicked in yet. I need to leave.
I’ve been sick – stomach issues. Today I threw up, and did not eat. I’m not sure if it’s brought on by stress or if the lunch I ate yesterday was off. But as this is confined to my stomach, I’m thinking it’s not food poisoning.
It’s lonely being sick with no one to tell, no one to much care. Anyhow.
I had forgotten how awful my boss can be. How very anxious she is. And how her goals to me are uninteresting, so we’re not at all aligned.
I’d stopped being able to sleep much. It’s back to traumatic sleep, where I wake up every two hours or so, and I am instantly alert. I actually am unsure then if I’ve slept or not, because I can’t remember any dream, I’m not groggy – it’s really strange.
Last night was better, as I slept without needing xanax. Maybe being sick is good for my mental health somehow. I woke twice in the night in a more normal way – groggy, and remembering a dream. The dreams were bad – kind of nightmares really, and I awoke afraid. This still seems better than the other kind of sleep to me, more normal. My brain is trying to process things, or communicate with me at least. The other kind of sleep seems so bizarre.
So I have been quite exhausted, with sleeping badly. Thursday I had run out of work, so I took longer lunch and longer breaks. My boss pulled me into a room to tell my what my allowance of breaks and lunch officially was. I told her I had nothing to do, but she didn’t care. I’m supposed to click through the intranet site endlessly, looking at documents.
We had a team meeting Friday morning. I asked questions when I didn’t understand what she was talking about. I suppose she finds my questions a challenge to her authority. She is very fragile really. I just want to know what she is talking about.
There is some project she’s asked me to help with, for her work. It’s checking over many fields of a large database, checking against another spreadsheet. Fine. She reiterates over and over how careful we have to be to miss nothing, to make no mistakes. It’s just – not what I do. I am willing, but her anxiety is too much.
Then there was some problem with an important document I’d edited but which had been worked on after, and some typos were found. Big boss emailed me to ask how come, copying all. I said I’d need to see the document before it was sent out, in order to fix things. Whereupon my one friendly contact there, the director who wrote this document, seemed to withdraw and no longer say much to me. Anything. So maybe I should have taken responsibility and apologized? Even though I hadn’t seen it? Perhaps.
The thing is, I am likely to make mistakes too. It’s human. And it’s hit me these hours in bed – I am there to catch other people’s mistakes. As in typos, formatting…..I am like one more critical layer in a department that is terrified of making a mistake. And mistakes are these tiny things – some tiny detail that isn’t right.
I don’t want to be a judge, correcting others. That was never what writing was about for me.
Then there is the unfriendliness. And I’ve been informed that people will talk, if I don’t work overtime every day, despite having finished my work. I continuously leave first, at five, while others stay and work. I feel like a criminal every day at five. Five-fifteen then.
My job is not that fascinating. It’s lonely and stressful and eight hours is all I can do.
I think I need to quit. I need to be able to sleep, at least as well as I used to, which wasn’t well, but was better than this.
I do have a health concern, and have been slow to go to the doctor, because work is so upset when I need time off to go to an appointment. I think I’m going to trust it’s OK, not a major illness where I’d need insurance.