Sick day

I stayed home from work today. I have been waking up every few hours at night recently, and last night was no exception. I think my sleep cycle may be messed up because of the anti-histamine I was taking, which caused me to be unable to sleep, so I took pills to sleep, and now am trying to wean off them.

Anyhow. I woke up at five or six with massive anxiety. By the time I needed to get up, I felt no better. I forced myself into the kitchen, but just couldn’t do the morning routine. I went back to bed, and decided I couldn’t go in.

Nothing extraordinarily bad is happening to me at work. My manager is still away, so I don’t have that massive stress to deal with. The big boss is quite critical, but not of me in particular. There is the sense though in the department that any lack of perfection would be, if not fatal, at least disastrous.

I didn’t have enough to do earlier in the week, which I find stressful, but today I would have had tasks. I am stressed about the end of this contract – it ends end of September, so in a few weeks. I want to propose a change of manager to the big boss, for me, I mean. They’ve indicated they want to offer me the job full-time. I think I’ve decided that I will not work for this particular manager, but would take the job under a different boss.

I haven’t been sure when to approach the big boss with this. After all, they haven’t yet officially offered me the position. I have no idea if big boss is in favour of keeping me on. My own boss says she is, ironically. Would it be better to approach big boss before they offer it, so if she is going to accommodate me, she can do it tactfully somehow, so as not to offend my manager? Or do I wait until I know for sure they want me?  I can’t decide. And it is stressful, knowing I may need to walk away and start looking for new work. Not knowing what’s coming.

I really don’t know if that explains the paralyzing anxiety I had this morning.

I also feel distant from Ron. He never replied to my email about my son, and my worries that he is judging me for my lack of parenting skill. He would usually reply to something like this, if i am worrying what he is thinking, so as he hasn’t replied, I assume I did hit the nail on the head pretty much.

Ironically, his therapy made it harder (impossible actually) for me to follow through on my intentions to visit with my son. I became so distressed, I couldn’t get it together well enough to drive out there and take him someplace. In general, I am having trouble doing that. Because I don’t have much energy, and going to see him uses up my precious energy for that day. And he doesn’t seem particularly happy to see me in any case. I have to be feeling at least neutral to manage.

By getting so depressed about the son situation, triggered off by therapy, I couldn’t do anything helpful.

Sometimes I really feel therapy makes things worse. I am feeling mistrustful of Ron.

Also, I find he is too silent often. Everything seems up to me, and sometimes, I can’t figure it out. What should I talk about that would be helpful. What am I even trying to do? It’s kind of unclear. OK, by talking about sad events and troubling feelings, they are supposed to lose some of their power. I get that. I just want something more than that at the moment.

 

 

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2 comments
  1. I really empathise with the difficulties you are having in therapy, of often feeling that it is making things worse and not better. I also struggled enormously with silence and neutrality from my psychodynamic therapist because they remind me so much of being judged and punished by my mother, and I still haven’t found a way of working around that. It is part of the reason why I recently changed therapists, although in an interesting development in therapy this week, the possibility has arisen of working with both therapists simultaneously and having the new (trauma) therapist help me work on the relationship with the old therapist.

    • Ellen said:

      This is similar to me for sure. The silence is supposed to be welcoming whatever I want to bring, and sometimes I appreciate that more than others! My mother specializes in silence, unfortunately, and I was punished as a child with the silent treatment. Ron’s silence is of course nothing like that, but sometimes it feels too similar.

      It’s real interesting that you may work with two T’s. I do understand the pull back to your attachment figure, your first T. I feel attached to Ron and feel quite panicked at the thought of leaving. At the same time, I sometimes wonder if actual trauma therapy, with some techniques and a different approach to therapy, would help me more.

      Thank you!

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