I’d forgotten how difficult therapy can be. This is one of those weeks where I wonder if therapy is doing more harm than good. I am so down this weekend I can barely function. Aren’t I going to therapy to feel better?
I do know all the things about feeling worse before it’s better. I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder if just talking about painful things from an adult perspective helps. Last week, it seemed I broached some painful topics, but got hit with these disabling feelings in the days following. By next session, this stuff will have dissipated, and I’ll be set to start the cycle again.
The difficult things I talked about where my marriage and my son. I felt completely powerless in my marriage, like he had all the cards and I had none. Some of this was economic – I had no real way of earning a living, so he had the advantage of an income. That’s kind of huge.
The endless house building – renovations starting up at any time, the intrusive noise, dust and mayhem.
I didn’t even hit all the main pain points, now that I’m sitting here thinking about it. Maybe just mentioning the situation was enough to cause these feelings? I really don’t know. All I know is I feel horribly down.
The other painful subject was my son, his illness, being unsure what is causing it, is it physical or psychological (likely both). The chaos he grew up in. The way he chose my ex, J, and hated me, even as quite a young child. How now when we are together, we actually get along much better than in the past.
Ron suggests bringing him in for a session, to work on our relationship. I immediately hate the idea. I picture my son’s scorn that I go for therapy. Then I realize that even if I ask him to come in with me, he won’t do that. I’ve offered to pay for all kinds of things that might help him, and he won’t try any of them. Many times I’ve suggested therapy to him, and he’s always refused.
I don’t say this in my session, because I don’t remember any of this at the time, strangely, but the fact is, I feel hugely guilty about my failures as a parent. I am sure I did unhelpful and damaging things, without meaning to. I had no idea about attachment and connection. Although I tried to learn from parenting books, there really is no way of fixing your attachment patterns alone, IMO. I likely didn’t give him much more than my mother was able to give me.
That guilt weighs me down. I always feel Ron, who in general seems completely un-judgmental, does judge me about my son. He always blames parents, I’m pretty sure, with all his clients. Well, I imagine he does. And I agree, parents are often passing down a really unhelpful legacy to their children – it’s just natural to react to your own baby the way your own mother reacted to you. But the thing is, we don’t do this on purpose. We really really don’t. I know my mother set out to be a good mother also.
So this weekend passes with me being overwhelmed by maybe guilt and sadness. When I’ve been trying to feel more functional on weekends, with some success actually. The last two weekends were a lot better than usual in terms of my going out and doing things.
Likely I’m projecting this onto Ron. I just wish therapy provided some help in dealing, instead of just stirring all kinds of crap up.
At the end of the session, we talked about how I hadn’t missed Ron that much. I felt I’d built a wall between us that kept me from feeling his absence. Ron asked what did the wall look like, and I said it was a rough stone wall, but with gaps in it.
I mentioned that parts hadn’t gotten a chance to say anything, and that V had been prominent for a while. Ron said we still have five minutes, but really, there wasn’t time.
I think sometimes a lot of my emotions are held in parts, so when I try to do therapy as an adult, it never feels like it gets to what’s really going on with me.