I’d forgotten how awful the depression part of all this is. The frantic wish for escape, twirling around and around, twisting this way and that way. There is no escape because this is my mind.
I’ve been too down to write about my sessions. They are pretty good actually. I started bringing up my reservations about Ron’s therapy, and he was good with all that. And he’s changed his approach a bit – he’s more involved somehow. He’s telling me some things that are a bit hard to hear at times, but it’s OK. I want to know what he thinks. Maybe he was being super gentle, and has decided I can take more feedback from him.
Something about depression though makes me reluctant to describe sessions. As if they will hurt worse if I talk about them.
I’m not totally sure what’s caused this latest bout. We did have some intense heat, which I find very stressful, so there’s that. Then the subways seem to melt in the heat – much longer wait times, and then packed into the cars in a way I find super stressful.
Then work, where I’ve basically given up. I can see what’s needed is essentially formatting and checking that nothing bad has happened to the documents. What’s not really needed is making them readable, especially not for a general audience. These documents are only read by specialists anyway. I am wasting the other workers time with endlessly trying to understand. In any case, I’m not given enough time to do much more than format.
I had work once before that was similar – another bureaucratic organization, with engineers this time, and very complex templates that required specialists, ‘writers’, to enforce.
The thing is, I was thinking of taking the job once my contract expires. I so so badly want to not keep starting again, needing to get used to a whole new set of co-workers, a whole new subject matter, and a different boss with different expectations. I just feel I can’t do it anymore.
But I can’t stay at this one either. I’m not sure if this boss is actually triggering me, or just making my life stressful and absurd. No one in my family has her borderline type characteristics – no one is loud and basically illogical. Or maybe I’m doing her a disservice. It’s more like she has severe communication challenges. She cannot seem to imagine what someone else would need to know in order to understand what she’s saying. Instead she repeats her statement over and over, getting more and more frustrated.
So can she be triggering me if she doesn’t remind me much of childhood authority figures? The only part that reminds me is the relationship between boss, J, and my only team-mate, B. J micromanages B, and B responds by being very very soothing and compliant. This is how my mother and father interact. My mother lost what identity she had in complete compliance to my father, who is controlling and will get very angry if his wishes are not carried out. Not that that every happens.
So in that way, yes, I could be triggered. However, B is not an authority figure for me, so it’s different.
I feel crazy for other reasons too. We were talking yesterday about how I feel about being in parts. Ron has often remarked how my mood plunges whenever we talk about this. I do find it hard to accept, even after all these years. I forget a lot of the switches after they are over. And I used to try never to pay attention to what was going on internally, so I missed the sense of being fractured that I’m feeling all the time now. If the dissociation was more severe, I wouldn’t have that, but as it is less so, I feel it.
I feel like this work situation is a tragedy. Which it is not. I’m trying to talk myself down. It’s something I need to do for a few more weeks, it’s not forever. Yes, some interactions are unpleasant, but that’s all they are. I am not being bullied or ostracized. I don’t have more work than I can handle. The work is not that interesting, but a bit of boredom never killed anyone. Excepting my boss, I am treated well. Even with my boss, her behaviour towards me, her speeches to the team on how to improve, are not personal. They reflect what I’m sure is her own troubled upbringing. I’ve been targeted by a boss before, and this isn’t it.
I just need to be as pleasant as I can, and get through this. I thought I could use it for rent money and then forget it while I worked on therapy and other parts of my life, but it sees I can’t. OK. I will find something else, hard as that is for me sometimes.