I had another run in with the boss. That stupid stupid woman. I wonder if my own depression contributed – probably. She is never calm, and I could not calm down enough to defuse the situation. Yes, she is the boss, and yes, it’s up to her employees to soothe her distress. Despite the fact that she seems to think we’re stupid, and various other bad things.
The stupid fight did give me some energy, though. I strode out of work just after five, not feeling the least bit guilty for leaving ‘early’. I felt so much anger, so much of an urge to quit immediately. Instead of getting right on the subway, and so home, I walked and walked. I ended up in a funkier neighbourhood than my own. I craved a glass of wine, so sat down in a nice-ish place, and had a big glass of red with some chips. That was very potent wine, but I calmed down, read for a long time, and then walked some more.
I think it’s better than going right home and collapsing. Also more expensive, lol. I could have eaten a nice dinner for what I paid for that wine and chips. Well, at least I feel a bit happier. Why shouldn’t I go out on a Friday night, just because I’m alone. I got to enjoy a breezy evening out on a patio, while my apartment would have been stifling. I actually can enjoy time to myself, while out – it’s sometimes more pleasant than trying to make conversation with people who don’t get me anyway.
I have been depressed for the last week or so, not functioning well, though I do make it into work every day. Then I come home, and often have a nap, instead of doing some small task or errand as I used to.
Had a last therapy session yesterday before Ron’s second two week vacation in as many months. It was a pretty good session – I actually felt less depressed right after it, though today I’m right back in it. I hope to describe it tomorrow.
The problem at work was just a problem. I had a discrepancy between what my boss had asked me to add to a document and what the writer had written there, and needed to solve it. Just information, for Pete’s sake. I copied her on the email, she came over to my desk and started talking really fast about what I have no real idea. I couldn’t follow. At first I thought she hadn’t understood the problem. Which she hadn’t. But she cannot pause long enough to grapple with any real problem. I don’t know what she’s doing to be honest. I ended up raising my voice….to match hers. But still – not what I want to be doing.
In the end, I asked her if I should leave everything exactly as the expert had written it, and she agreed yes, just correct one typo. Wow. After all the byways we’d been down, with her trying to ‘explain’ the situation to me.
I realized after she felt threatened. She’d asked me to do something that was contradicted by the ‘experts’ – the specialists who write these papers. So she felt, likely, I was bringing her into disrepute. She feels quite inferior to these experts, I think, and covers it up by being loud and bossy. People in this industry have a habit of talking really fast and using various jargon, as if that will help anything. I guess it’s protective camouflage, to hide that they are scared and don’t know what to do.
I really dislike her again. We had a ten minute team meeting earlier in the day, where she went on about how ‘we’ (likely meaning me) need to take ownership of what we’re working on and not bother her with it. Then a very long rant about how overworked she was, and how she hoped we would carry more of the load ‘next year’.
No way am I going to be there next year.