Today I went swimming. I’d almost missed the pool, the few hours it’s open, and then there was no parking, but in the end, I managed to get there for about half an hour. I love the water, though it’s pretty dirty in the middle of a summer weekend.

I have issues with exercise, but lately, I’ve been challenging that. Exercise puts me into dissociation, for some reason. I don’t mind it at the time, but about an hour later, I need to go to sleep, and when I wake up, I’m massively depressed. So I don’t want that pattern to keep repeating. Because of this, I decided just getting in the water and paddling about for a few minutes was enough of a challenge. Pleasant enough, and i got to sunbathe for a few minutes after. The shower/change areas are kind of gross, but I kept my sandals on, so it was OK.

Then went to buy some food for dinner, and I cooked. I didn’t fall asleep. I do feel a little strange – hard to describe. Kind of super calm and very tired maybe. From those few minutes of swimming.

Anyway, since we’ve been having this hot summer, it seems like a good idea to keep going for the month anyway, if I can handle the fatigue. I still have things to take care of, but I just want to go to bed.

I’ve been alone this weekend, so no progress on the social front. Yesterday I was massively anxious for some reason. I did go out to buy supplies, and was completely paranoid that I was acting bizarrely. I was so anxious, I probably was acting a bit odd.

Work is better. Go figure. Maybe my boss has slowly absorbed our ‘talk’ of two weeks ago. Her tone towards me has changed. She also complimented me on something I’d done. Not something I was particularly proud of, but she’s obviously trying to be positive. It’s a relief. At the moment, the stress at work is from the big boss, who is a super perfectionist when it comes to documents. My own view is that you can be picky to the point of insanity, and that is just not helpful. However I do understand some of her concerns.

Therapy was OK. Ron suggested reading aloud the angry email I’d sent him, so I did  that, and then he responded to some of it. I was no longer feeling angry by that point, and I read it as if it was a piece of theater written by someone else. I didn’t feel connected to what I read, for the most part.

Ron talked about his theories, since one of my complaints was that he didn’t have one. I actually know he does have theories, it’s just it’s hard to figure out what they are. I have no memory of what he said – it didn’t resonate with me at all. Something about feelings being linked to actions. Maybe I’ll ask him next time what he said.

I talked a bit about the family barbecue I’d been to on the weekend, how I’d enjoyed it though I’d thought I wouldn’t. About my brother’s new girlfriend, who was introduced as his ‘friend’, so I didn’t realize right away who she was. How I resented her somewhat – his long time girl friend had only moved out a few months before, and here he was, coupled up already. He didn’t seem to have any depression or sadness about his old GF either – I don’t understand that. I was basically incapacitated for a year when I left my ex.

So most of the session was very adult. All this time, I’m feeling more and more pressure from other parts who are desperate for time. In the last ten minutes, B got to talk, after I first asked Ron’s permission – I wasn’t too sure she was welcome for some reason. She spoke of the things concerning her, as a child relates her concerns to an adult – a list of what she’d done and what seemed important to her. Just before I left, Ron said it’s like a young child who wants their parents’ attention – dad, look at me, look at me….She’s kind of like that. Which I agree is true.

B spoke about things that weren’t sad, daily life things, but then kind of fell into this pit of sadness, kind of crying. There just wasn’t time to get into whatever it was. I had to shut it all away in order to get ready for work, but it was definitely something. At work I was very down for no other reason. Finally, I got some urgent things to take care of in the afternoon, at which point whatever it was was shut down completely.

Likely that’s why I was so very anxious Saturday and this morning. That sadness that I had to lock away, maybe knocking at the door, and I just didn’t have the key anymore to open that door.

  1. It sounds like what ever be is feeling is resonating with the whole lot of the other parts. I’m sorry you felt so down and sad and depressed. Hope this week is a better one. Swimming is fun. Glad you got to go and enjoy yourself.

  2. I struggle with dissociating while I run; it is so weird and hard to explain. It’s like you get into a zone and then you gradually slip away. I hope B can get more time to share. It sounds like she is hurting and needs some time to get it out. You do have the key and you can help her. Getting through it, whatever “it” is, will be healing for both of you. My two cents…

    • Ellen said:

      Sorry you struggle with that also. It’s annoying when trying to help ourselves, we end up spinning out and being dissociated.

      Yes, it would be good if B had time earlier in the session. I struggle to let parts have time early, because at that point, I’m still in charge and want to be adult. But it would be helpful.

      Thanks DID

  3. I have issues with exercise too, at times. It used to be for me that actually feeling my body and being aware of it moving was too much and would trigger body memories and I’d really dissociate. Swimming, just slowly floating at being in the water was the first exercise that felt okay to me. I could focus more on what is around me and on the water, as opposed to my body, and that felt okay. Anyway, I hope that you are able to continue enjoying swimming.

    I’m sorry B didn’t get to talk about all she needed to, and that she has so much sadness locked up. That’s really hard for her and for you. I hope she’s able to talk this week. Xx

    • Ellen said:

      I think that’s it for me too. Body memories. A bunch of crap is stirred up and I don’t know how to deal with it I guess. Interesting you liked floating. I will try it also. Younger parts of me love the pool, so it is a good place to try and start with exercise. So helpful to know I’m not alone entirely.

      Thank you Alice.

      • Body memories are the hardest to deal with, I think. So hard to find words for them, or really work through them. I think swimming (and the pretending to be a mermaid 🙂) is appealing to the little girl part. I hope floating feels safe for you, and helps. Yoga also helped, but I needed to practice yoga with someone who could support me. The little girl part of me likes the movement of yoga, and grown up me likes the fact that the movement can create calm in my mind. But no, you aren’t alone with exercise being triggering. I doubt I’ll ever be into “hardcore” workouts like HIIT training. But yoga, swimming, taking walks in pretty areas, all of those things work for me. Also, walking and listening to audio help me not focus on my body. I know you like to read, would audio books be an option for you? Hubby even got me a waterproofed iPod shuffle that can hold my audio books or music so I can listen while I swim.

        • Ellen said:

          I didn’t actually find any way to practice floating unfortunately. I went to a length swim, and while the pool was less busy, a lifeguard informed me I had to stay in the lanes, and couldn’t float in the child part of the pool. Floating in lanes – not cool, you get run over! Maybe I will try yoga again. Interesting re the waterproof ipod – for me it’s not a huge issue, because I actually enjoy exercising – don’t need to take my mind off of it for the most part. I just get hit after with a bunch of dissociation….I do like to listen to music on the treadmill though….

          Anyways, onwards and upwards, right? At least I’m trying a few things to get my body back. Cheers.

          • Onwards and upwards. Exercise is really good self care. It’s interesting that you dissociate afterwards, and I dissociate during. I wonder why? I know for me, I don’t want to feel my body exercising. I think yoga is a great idea. There are lots of yoga sessions on YouTube. Maybe try there. Xx

            • Ellen said:

              Yes, I wonder why also. The whole situation is mysterious to me. I am likely uncomfortable being in my body also, but it doesn’t seem like it at the time. I might try YouTube. Thanks

  4. I think what Ron said about B makes a lot of sense. Children really need attention, and you really didn’t get very much growing up. The attention you got was so constricted: these are the acceptable activities; these are the acceptable topics. That’s not going to feel like actual attention, because it is not authentic. Child need to be able to communicate and bond, and not just be passive recipients of advice or orders or play prescribed roles. B wants to bond. She wants to relate to other people. She wants to find common interests with them. She has interests, and she’s looking for attention to see if people share her interests and if they are interested in her. There must be so much sadness about this, that you never got to be real growing up. You rarely got positive attention for just being you. No one really enjoyed you for who you were. It’s such a lonely feeling, to be child and not get that attention.

    • Ellen said:

      Yes, I like how you describe B, I think that’s true. And my family was like that – so much was unacceptable or not of interest.

      I’m not sure that parts are necessarily expressions of myself at younger ages. Or if they’re different directions my personality could have taken….Or what. B speaks like a young child, and children are like that I think – their world is very concrete, and what’s of interest is what happened that day or week.

      It is lonely, I feel that now, though I’m not sure I felt it then. I’m feeling stuff now that was locked away before I felt it, in the past.

      Thanks Ash.

  5. e.Nice said:

    Have you continued to swim? I tend to let all the little things like actually having to get dressed and leave the house again disuade me from doing things like that so impressed you are doing those things even when feeling anxious. It is really so difficult to balance the needs of the younger parts and remain functioning.

    • Ellen said:

      No. I went twice last week, but this week felt too depressed to bother. It is all difficult – thanks nice.

      • e.Nice said:

        sorry… depression sucks.

  6. This.shaking said:

    Hi, Ellen! How are you doing? I haven’t seen you for a long time. Just want to know what you need. Warm gentle hugs…TS

    • Ellen said:

      Hi This! I was just sitting down to write a bit of an update. Been down in the dumps, to tell the truth. Thanks for checking in. Hugs to you also.

    • This.shaking said:

      Oh, wow, you just posted, at the exact moment I was posting. So glad to hear from you – really sorry everything is so difficult. Still sending those hugs. TS

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