Today I went swimming. I’d almost missed the pool, the few hours it’s open, and then there was no parking, but in the end, I managed to get there for about half an hour. I love the water, though it’s pretty dirty in the middle of a summer weekend.
I have issues with exercise, but lately, I’ve been challenging that. Exercise puts me into dissociation, for some reason. I don’t mind it at the time, but about an hour later, I need to go to sleep, and when I wake up, I’m massively depressed. So I don’t want that pattern to keep repeating. Because of this, I decided just getting in the water and paddling about for a few minutes was enough of a challenge. Pleasant enough, and i got to sunbathe for a few minutes after. The shower/change areas are kind of gross, but I kept my sandals on, so it was OK.
Then went to buy some food for dinner, and I cooked. I didn’t fall asleep. I do feel a little strange – hard to describe. Kind of super calm and very tired maybe. From those few minutes of swimming.
Anyway, since we’ve been having this hot summer, it seems like a good idea to keep going for the month anyway, if I can handle the fatigue. I still have things to take care of, but I just want to go to bed.
I’ve been alone this weekend, so no progress on the social front. Yesterday I was massively anxious for some reason. I did go out to buy supplies, and was completely paranoid that I was acting bizarrely. I was so anxious, I probably was acting a bit odd.
Work is better. Go figure. Maybe my boss has slowly absorbed our ‘talk’ of two weeks ago. Her tone towards me has changed. She also complimented me on something I’d done. Not something I was particularly proud of, but she’s obviously trying to be positive. It’s a relief. At the moment, the stress at work is from the big boss, who is a super perfectionist when it comes to documents. My own view is that you can be picky to the point of insanity, and that is just not helpful. However I do understand some of her concerns.
Therapy was OK. Ron suggested reading aloud the angry email I’d sent him, so I did that, and then he responded to some of it. I was no longer feeling angry by that point, and I read it as if it was a piece of theater written by someone else. I didn’t feel connected to what I read, for the most part.
Ron talked about his theories, since one of my complaints was that he didn’t have one. I actually know he does have theories, it’s just it’s hard to figure out what they are. I have no memory of what he said – it didn’t resonate with me at all. Something about feelings being linked to actions. Maybe I’ll ask him next time what he said.
I talked a bit about the family barbecue I’d been to on the weekend, how I’d enjoyed it though I’d thought I wouldn’t. About my brother’s new girlfriend, who was introduced as his ‘friend’, so I didn’t realize right away who she was. How I resented her somewhat – his long time girl friend had only moved out a few months before, and here he was, coupled up already. He didn’t seem to have any depression or sadness about his old GF either – I don’t understand that. I was basically incapacitated for a year when I left my ex.
So most of the session was very adult. All this time, I’m feeling more and more pressure from other parts who are desperate for time. In the last ten minutes, B got to talk, after I first asked Ron’s permission – I wasn’t too sure she was welcome for some reason. She spoke of the things concerning her, as a child relates her concerns to an adult – a list of what she’d done and what seemed important to her. Just before I left, Ron said it’s like a young child who wants their parents’ attention – dad, look at me, look at me….She’s kind of like that. Which I agree is true.
B spoke about things that weren’t sad, daily life things, but then kind of fell into this pit of sadness, kind of crying. There just wasn’t time to get into whatever it was. I had to shut it all away in order to get ready for work, but it was definitely something. At work I was very down for no other reason. Finally, I got some urgent things to take care of in the afternoon, at which point whatever it was was shut down completely.
Likely that’s why I was so very anxious Saturday and this morning. That sadness that I had to lock away, maybe knocking at the door, and I just didn’t have the key anymore to open that door.