I can see my boss is trying. She is speaking to me more quietly. I have stopped asking her questions except by email, so she doesn’t walk away from me anymore. Also, I seem to have learned her accent – I’m understanding what she is saying to me, which helps. I’ve probably also picked up enough of the jargon there that I can figure out more on that front also.
I am completely miserable.
The heat hurts – my AC is not good. I’ve got an allergy reaction in half my face. Last week, a tooth I had pulled got infected – the site, I mean. Then I had a reaction to the antibiotic I was prescribed. Everything’s cleared up, but now I have a sore throat/allergy in my nose. Somehow I feel I can’t cope with it.
The job is so incredibly trivial and meaningless. As there’s no editing, I’m doing some of my colleague’s simplest tasks. Today’s task was to download a list of about a hundred files from various systems and locations, and adjust the file names. I didn’t know there were jobs like this. Mechanical, yet tricky enough that you have to pay attention. No human interaction. Nothing means anything.
I’m stopping the self-criticism, stopping the inner critic as much as I can, and it’s making a big difference. Maybe I’m talking myself out of my feelings while I’m at work? But still, putting my best foot forward.
I appreciate not feeling in conflict with this boss at the moment. I do. But I’m in such despair after work. I guess the heat is a stress, and it’s the straw breaking.
I feel like if I can just accept that this is a crappy job I have to do for a while, and not let it bother me, it would be a good thing. Why can I not accept this? Instead, I feel humiliated that in my fifties, this is my job. When giving me the task, my boss was even considering, out loud, whether this would be difficult for me. As if it would task to the utmost my five little brain cells that have to work so hard just to keep breathing, for f sake.
My co-worker is the most silent, the most incurious, the most obtuse person imaginable. Actually no, she is intelligent. But how can anyone be so incurious? She kind of dismisses me when I try to make a bit of conversation, and I feel stupid. But she hadn’t heard of Brexit, for goodness sake. She didn’t know what I was talking about, that Thursday when the news broke. And she works for a financial institution.
I need to tune this job out and I can’t. I need to not take it personally. Instead I feel humiliated and at fault. I should have gotten a better degree at school, all those decades ago, when I was struggling with a huge depression on my own, with not even a self-help book. If I had more education, I wouldn’t get these hopeless types of menial jobs.
Maybe I’d be better off taking an admin job, where at least I’d have contact with people.
Ironic that my family’s focus was so much on education and getting some great job, preferably academic. Maybe if they’d had a different focus, I could have gotten a better education for my own reasons.
Well, I’m just a pool of misery. When this weather breaks, I’ll do better again.