I’ve realized I absolutely must do something about work. In fact, I’ve basically left it until I was in a complete crisis with it all. I’m lying on my bed, feeling just absolutely psychotic. I don’t know how else to describe it. All the characters from work have become larger than life, monstrous in my mind. I feel as if I am coming apart.
The only think I can think to do is to immediately go and speak with J’s boss first thing Monday. I think when J started giving B my work (we have completely different skill sets), and leaving me day after day with nothing to do, that was my breaking point. That and no longer having B to speak with on any level.
How come for some people, it seems so easy for them to be alone, never speaking to anyone, just doing actions to function and to keep themselves so called safe? How come I can’t do that? It reminds me so much of my family, where I was shunned, made to feel so much less than my siblings in knowledge, skills, personality….My family also is so good at pretending, at not feeling and not speaking, while basically an insane person was in charge.
How come I keep landing in these situations where this is all played out again? It hasn’t happened this severely for me before, but over and over, I am in a situation where I am seen as less than, not given much to do….Of course, perhaps I am less than. Perhaps my skills are not good. People with poor skills don’t know, after all. Everyone assumes they are competent.
I used to dress very poorly, and I see how that hurt me. When you do that, you give corporate city people one quick reason to judge you and dismiss you. I bought some clothes, I don’t do that any more. Yes, the clothes are mostly from one store, because I don’t have much energy for shopping. Still, I blend in now for the most part.
I guess that wasn’t the main thing. I just end up not wanting to be alive, most days after work. And I’ve reached a breaking point. Something has to change. Quitting would not be the worst thing, but I feel I made a commitment to J’s boss to stay until October. I need to at least talk with her first.