I am busy trying to feel. You’d think I was feeling all the time, with the sorrow and pain I vent about on my blog. Not so. I feel the operatic type emotions – larger than life – suicidal despair say, or murderous rage. But I’m not doing well feeling the regular emotions of life.
One of the biggest issues I struggle with is my tendency to automatically shut down. All of a sudden, I am at home, and I realize everything seems to be behind a pane of glass (I just wrote pain of glass, he he). Everything is slightly unreal somehow. Or, I feel I must lie down and go to sleep. Which I sometimes do, or sometimes just lie there in a kind of a trance. Not totally unpleasant – just nothing.
Right now for instance, I feel everything is behind a pane of glass. The day was so tough for me, that I stopped feeling anything and fell into this stupid coping mechanism without knowing it. I suppose somewhere along the line my feelings were hurt at work, I felt uncertain and afraid, I felt sad at being ignored, I felt angry at being ignored…..It’s not easy to feel things when you feel under attack, which I do at work. Though I think if I could get a handle on things, at least there is lots of time to feel things. I don’t have a lot of urgent tasks needing my attention. I’d need to make this a project – project feelings. How to get through the day without being dissociated by the end of it.
It is so hard to get out of this dissociation once I’m in it. I’d think it would be easier perhaps to feel the feelings at the time they’re happening, and prevent the dissociation swooping in in the first place.