I’m better again. I’m not sure that all that suffering helped me. How do I tell?
I was catapulted back into some unremembered trauma. The weekend was rough. Lots of negotiating – do I try and get out of the house, and so possibly get a bit of energy or feelings of normality back? Or will that just deplete what little energy I do have, which I need to keep the basics of life going?
Currently I feel a huge distrust of Ron once again. He seems to plunge me into these things, then leaves me to it. I’m remembering how badly he seemed to be handling one of his clients who was actually about to be admitted to the psych ward, and who stayed there a month in the end. We were in group, and the evening revolved around her, and she was spinning, becoming more and more emotional and more and more distraught, and he seemed to be encouraging her to keep going deeper into her feelings, when in my opinion, he really needed to be helping her to shut them down or contain them, at this crisis point. I’m no professional. But it’s always bothered me, that he plunged ahead and seemed to be pushing her deeper into crisis.
I actually don’t need anyone telling me that Ron is not up to much. I swing back and forth about his skills, and it just doesn’t help me to hear that he sounds like he’s not good at his job. It’s not as if any reader has experienced him – it’s always just me, with my doubts, my fears, my attachment, my gratefulness. You can only see him through my neurosis, and a part of that is my severe ambivalence.
Currently I feel angry with him that this last session and the aftermath was so very rough on me, and didn’t hurt him at all. It may be that this re-experiencing is not healing – it’s PTSD, with scenes bobbing up then subsiding again, basically unchanged, ready to come up again at the next trigger.
I remember a therapist I saw for a few years, who didn’t much like me, and whom I didn’t like. I was very depressed, and she had me beat cushions and hit things with a foam bat. And I really couldn’t. The effort was too much, and I’d feel even more hopeless. And I’d cry in despair. She felt I needed to express anger, and then my depression would resolve. As if expressing by itself was enough to heal.
Anyway, she did me no good at all. Ron is nothing like this. I know he has done me good. The way he listens, and cares, and some of the discussions we have help. I see life and relationships so very differently than I did in the past. It’s kind of like seeing the world in three dimensions now, where previously, I only saw two.
I think trying to heal completely on my own, except for fifty minutes a week of therapy time, is not that effective. There is just no one to share my struggle with. It’s true, I don’t try. The friends I have, I see when I’m feeling more upbeat or at least neutral. They truly would not understand. That’s kind of why I felt comfortable with them – they’re people who do not express feelings. And trauma is extreme – you’d need someone special to be able to tolerate someone else’s pain and not judge, when it’s severe like this.
Anyway. I’m not sure that what I’m doing with trauma is helping me overall.
It was definitely the sit-ups that were triggering me. I’ve stopped doing the exercise, because I just cannot cope with regular life and be triggered like that on a daily basis. Very odd that it took me so long to realize what the cause was.
Trying to end this on some kind of more hopeful note. Um….I don’t feel hopeful. I feel this weird mix of gratefulness and distrust towards my therapist. It’s an uneasy place to be.