Bad day. Overall I feel I’ve come through a bad patch and am out the other side. But emotionally, today seems difficult. For no huge reason. The commute home was rough – I couldn’t read, couldn’t get interested in any of my podcasts. Once home, I felt white with exhaustion. I’d wanted to go to the gym to help with the depression, and just couldn’t get it together. Instead I had to lie down. Now I’m up, and feel sad.
I have come through the dental surgery, and the cancer scare. My boss is not on my case at present. I even have a task to do at work, so I don’t have to fill in endless hours.
So in a lot of ways, my life is better this week. Even the severe heat we had for a few days has let up.
I just really don’t like my job. I don’t like how the managers don’t interact with us peons – only they meet to discuss anything, or interact with other departments. We sit all day and do our allotted tasks. It’s hard for me also because I am so old – all the other ‘analysts’ are decades younger than I am. People my age have pretty much all made it at least into middle management. The other analysts do have hope, that they are at the start of their careers, while I don’t have that.
I was a stay at home mom. For so many bad reasons, including lack of confidence. I started in corporations at forty. So yeah, I haven’t made it that far. The money is fine – it’s the lack of interaction, the being treated as less than, the lack of challenge, that hurts.
Not sure why this hurts so much today, and other days, I can deal.
I wanted to also write about the rest of my therapy last week. We basically talked about the time I spent with my family, going to the family event, driving with my brother. Basically what I wrote about here. I got the feeling Ron was looking for much bigger traumas than what I came up with. I just have ordinary complaints about my family – no trauma with a capital T. No, my younger brother in no way abused me, ever. He’s gentle and withdraws if there’s trouble.
I felt angry with my mother. Ron always gives me this look when I talk about anger at my mother, I suspect because as my father was abusive, I’m supposed to be angry with him, not her. It could be displaced anger. The thing is, I tell him, my mother’s lack of response, her withdrawal, is so infuriating to me. If I tell my father anything, he does respond. He doesn’t pretend I don’t exist suddenly. But this is what my mother does, and I can’t stand it. Yes, my mother never intrudes, never imposes her own views or emotions. But there is such a complete lack of connection with her, it’s scary. It’s like being around an automaton.
I tell Ron I yelled at my mother last time I saw her. This was no big deal, really. We didn’t have a fight. I’d think a fight would be some kind of connection actually. My mother has become hard of hearing, and she pretends she has heard, and nods vaguely. She did that, and I repeated what I’d said, but I screamed it at her. She looked startled, and left the room.
I realized then, I must be angry with her. I remember now what had happened. Like a kid, I was telling her about my dental surgery. She was doing some task, but at least pretended to listen. In the middle of this, my brother arrived. She dropped me completely, and started making a fuss over him. Did he want a glass of water, how was he doing, etc etc….She’d never think to go back to what I was trying to tell her about.
So yeah, I got angry. I guess therapeutically, I would have spoken up, said something about how I felt. I didn’t do that.
Maybe Ron thinks I have all these micro interactions with family members that never really get at what is really going on. He didn’t say that, but I got that impression. I think I’ve gotten enough perspective to be able to track what’s going on for me at least, when we interact. That’s something.
Thursday sessions are after work, and I’m pretty tired from coping all day. I’m not really in a space to be able to really do amazing therapy. It does seem up to me to a large extent – Ron simply waits for me to talk, or not. Sometimes I wish he had more of a plan or idea of what we’re trying to do.
I have also been missing Ron. Which is kind of crazy, because I don’t feel we’re really connecting that well. Parts are not getting the chance to talk with him directly, and maybe they miss him. These parts are the most attached to him. I am more skeptical – while i know he cares a lot about his work, this is a job for him. If I’m not there, someone else will take my spot. But for parts, it’s as if he somehow stepped back into my childhood and is there to be their friend it tough circumstances. He’s hugely important.
However I’m also back to wishing he had trauma training and experience, or at least the desire to learn. He doesn’t. He did take a book I lent him, The Haunted Self, and gave it back after a year I think. That book is so difficult. I’ve read several since that are so much clearer and more helpful, however, I buy them on my Kindle, and so can’t share. Anyway, if he wanted to inform himself, he could. He just doesn’t. He feels, I think, that he has his method down, he knows what he needs to, and that’s it. Nothing has been discovered or thought of in the last two decades that has much interest for him in the way of trauma therapy.
So I’m disappointed that way. I have approached two other T’s who indicate they have a trauma background on their websites, but they had no space for new clients. I am also not flexible, as I need after five or weekends.
Right at the end of our session, after I’d talked about my family, I felt that old feeling of ‘wanting to die’. I told Ron. He remarked that often V seems to come up when I discuss my family. I hadn’t actually thought of V, but I realized that he was right. That was a V type feeling. There was that little ‘ping’ moment, when your T says something that you hadn’t thought of, that seems right.
So since then, I have been dealing with V’s dark feelings, even though she didn’t speak in session directly. So that’s a reason for the depression.